You know that one friend you have that’s all about good “energy, “being “connected” and forcing weird food into your mouth and bad thoughts in your head? The one that makes you feel like you’re gaining and losing brain cells at a rapid and weirdly equal rate with their conspiracies on cancer being secretly curable and GMO corn being responsible for 9/11.
Willow and Jaden Smith are those people, except that they’re 14 and 16, which makes it even weirder than it already is. In an interview with the New York Times promoting Jaden’s music, the Smiths don’t sound like the children of Scientologists, they sound like the children of pretentious, brainwashed hippies.
The only thing that could “explain” the interview is the Jaden line, “I have a goal to be just the most craziest person of all time.”
It starts out like this, with the simple question “What have you been reading?”
WILLOW: Quantum physics. Osho.
JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated.
And then it gets odder:
WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.
JADEN: When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities. But for creativity: That comes from a place of oneness. That’s not a duality consciousness.
And BOOM, your head explodes like a watermelon in a movie adaptation of Fruit Ninja directed by Michael Bay:
JADEN: Honestly, we’re just trying to make music that we think is cool. We don’t think a lot of the music out there is that cool. So we make our own music. We don’t have any song that we like to listen to on the P.C.H. by any other artist, you know?
WILLOW: That’s what I do with novels. There’re no novels that I like to read so I write my own novels, and then I read them again, and it’s the best thing.
And then your internal organs splat onto everything. Intestines on the window pane, liver on the kitchen tile, kidneys wrapped around the faucet while Willow and Jaden laugh sadistically because they’re too cool for novels and music…
JADEN: When babies are born, their soft spots bump: It has, like, a heartbeat in it. That’s because energy is coming through their body, up and down.
WILLOW: Prana energy.*
JADEN: It’s prana energy because they still breathe through their stomach. They remember. Babies remember.
WILLOW: When they’re in the stomach, they’re so aware, putting all their bones together, putting all their ligaments together. But they’re shocked by this harsh world.
Jaden is a decent actor but a terrible rapper, Willow is a decent singer with a knack for fashion and they both need to stop talking before the harsh world turns on them and they learn that the opposite of an apple is a fist to the face.
JADEN: You never learn anything in school. Think about how many car accidents happen every day. Driver’s ed? What’s up? I still haven’t been to driver’s ed because if everybody I know has been in an accident, I can’t see how driver’s ed is really helping them out.
*According to YogaMag.net, Prana is “the original life force,” a constant energy “responsible for the body’s life, heat and maintenance.”