America is the 18th Fattest Country

The United States are in trouble. ISIS and Justin Bieber are still at large, Men are having just as much plastic surgery as women and I keep forgetting which side of the kitchen the silverware drawer is on. On top of all that, we’re not even good at being fat anymore.

Yes, a study pulled using CIA obesity statistics tells us that America, land of the hydrogenated oil spongebath and McDonald’s apple pie enema came in 18th on a list of the fattest countries after Samoa, Nauru, The Cook Islands and a bunch of other names I can’t pronounce because I’m illiterate and overweight but not illiterate and overweight enough to make it to number one. 

Kuwait, Barbados, Egypt and The Bahamas are also all fatter than us.
  
I blame Michelle Obama’s arms and Gwyneth Paltrow, but hey, at least the soda ban didn’t pass and chicken nuggets are on sale at Burger King.

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