The New Ghostbusters Song Is Good And All, But It’s No ‘Ninja Rap’

fallout boy vanilla ice

The revamped Ghostbusters theme by Fallout Boy and Missy Elliott is being celebrated around the world for its originality and powerful, thought-provoking message about busting caps in ghost’s asses. It’s a contender for Best Original Song at next year’s Academy Awards and has already received praise from artists like Yo-Yo Ma and Randy Newman, who are both kicking themselves for rejecting the offer to compose “Ghostbusters (I’m Not Afraid).

“This generation’s ‘Amazing Grace,’ Newman told the New York Times.

Obviously I’m human and can’t resist singing “I’m not afraid” at my apartment’s swimming pool at the top of my lungs in a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man bikini, but I’m of the more purist opinion that no song written for a movie can ever compare to Vanilla Ice‘s “Ninja Rap (Go Ninja Go)” from the Scorsese classic, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

There you have it. Pete Wentz, Patrick Stump and the Fallout Boyz are relevant and Missy Elliott doesn’t need a paycheck.

Continue reading “The New Ghostbusters Song Is Good And All, But It’s No ‘Ninja Rap’”

Disney Beaches Reopened, Still Just As Infested With Gators

disney world alligator signThe beach alongside the Disney World lagoon where a young boy was drowned by an alligator has reopened with “heightened security,” including a before-sunset curfew and signs that read “You should have gone to California instead.”

Justtt kidding. The signs actually say, “Danger! Alligators and snakes in area. Stay away from the water. Do not feed the wildlife.”

Safety precautions or not, you couldn’t pay me to visit, because Florida is home to an estimated 1.5 million alligators and just as many venomous spiders and snakes. It’s also hot, crowded and full of young people that are way better looking than you and old people who are so close to death you don’t know if they’re talking to you or an invisible deceased relative in the corner.

Let me tell you a story.

I grew up near this golf course that was constantly flooding and full of red-winged blackbirds. People like my mom and all our hippie dippy friends were always trying to get the forest service to buy the land and just let it be what it was meant to be, but it never happened.

The entire state of Florida is the equivalent of that golf course, a giant natural wetland that we — a bunch of stupid humans — couldn’t resist building on. Except instead of harmless chirping blackbirds and cattails, they have gigantic teeth-gnashing reptiles that eat children. We have no right to be mad at anyone but ourselves because we displaced them, not the other way around.

Speaking of the macabre and unnecessary, a reported 240 alligators have been slaughtered by Fish and Wildlife in the past 10 years around The Most Magical Place On Earth. The commission, which is currently sold out of Statewide Alligator Harvest Program permits, also wants us to feel better now that they’re “confident” they killed the very same alligator that devoured 2-year-old Lane Graves on June 16.

No! Alligators are like grey pubic hairs. You pull one out, and three more come to the funeral and ruin your plans. The solution is to drug and blindfold all the Floridians and ship them to Arizona (it’ll be days before they even notice).

Excuse me, all Floridians except the Trump supporters.

Build a giant wall on the Southern borders of Alabama and Georgia, and let the scaly, bloodthirsty creatures have the state of Florida.

 

The Real Reason Hillary Needs To Be President

Hillary clinton winkingHello, 18 through 30-year old Democrats that aren’t necessarily feeling “The Bern.” Some might call me a hipster (though I’m pretty most of those are definitely feeling it), but there’s this thing called popularity that I’ve always been wary of. People say, “Hey, see that guy you’d never heard of until 2015? You should totally vote for him.” And I’m like, “Hmm, why?” And they’re like “I dunno. He’s cool! And like, for the people.” Something something money, something something corruption and stuff.

A friend invited me to a Sanders rally and I contemplated going for all of two seconds and then realized that even though I had nothing better to do, I couldn’t consciously attend this event without knowing exactly who this guy was.

Like Sarah Silverman, I’d always been a tried and true Hillary fan, and now that I actually do know more about dear Bernie, I’m still Team Clinton.

The biggest, least-talked about reason America needs Hill and Bill back in the White House is simple: revenge. As soon as Hillary perches her sweet pearls-and-pantsuit-wearing self in that beautifully upholstered Oval Office chair she can start doing what her husband did when he was president, and that, my friends, is GET LAID.

hillary clinton cigar cartoonOnce elected, Hillary is totes going to get her motherfucking Lewinsky on. Having phone sex with Justin Trudeau while shirtless male interns take turns going down on her. Or taking Air Force One to East Asia to put a piping hot cigar up Kim Jong-un’s tight Korean ass. Perhaps a hot lesbian affair with Sarah Palin? Or an equally amazing round of JELL-O wrestling with Palin, Coulter, Bachmann and Davis?

With permission from his dom, Bill may sometimes be allowed to watch. (Participation is an express no-go.)

Winter isn’t coming. Hillary is.

 

Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week

drunk-girls-puppies-buzzfeedWhat makes women more emotional, adorable puppies or alcohol?

In a pointlessly entertaining experiment, BuzzFeed gave six ladies on their staff booze and then surprised them with a bunch of super adorable, good-smelling baby animals of the canine persuasion.

Upon seeing the dogs, the intoxicated women proceeded to scream, smile, cry and occasionally say profound things like, “I shouldn’t have drank whiskey, I can’t protect them.”

“I had such a hard Friday,” “I can’t take it” and “Wait, is this really happening?” were some of the girls’ other top reactions heard over the barely audible whimpers of the puppies who, by the way, are all available for adoption via Fur Baby Rescue.  Continue reading “Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week”

Unlucky Asian Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’

phuc dat bich passportThis Vietnamese man is so phucking tired of having his social media accounts deleted by biches who doubt the legitimacy of his name.

That’s right, 23-year-old Australia-native Phuc Dat Bich (pronounced “Phoo Da Bic”) posted a photo of his passport to prove once and for all that he is not playing a prank on Facebook.

Bich says administrators have suspended his account multiple times due to their policy of users registering under their legal names, suggesting that it’s “because he’s Asian.”  Continue reading “Unlucky Asian Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’”

Chris Hemsworth’s Fake Dong In ‘Vacation’ Is Terrifying

  

Chris Hemsworth has giant arms, giant calves, giant pectoral muscles, a giant mane of flowing blond hair and is part of a giant blockbuster franchise.

In short, there’s nothing short about him. (NSFW gif ahead.)  Continue reading “Chris Hemsworth’s Fake Dong In ‘Vacation’ Is Terrifying”

Reporter Antagonizes Ronda Rousey, Gets Slammed

Aaron Tru, a reporter who interviews MMA fighters and is specifically notorious for “pissing off” women in the sport, recently got taken down by THE woman, Ronda Rousey.

“I don’t think you have as much strength and can compete with a man,” Tru said, right before getting his ribcage busted and wincing in pain.

It was definitely set-up, along with the time he got choked out by Cyborg (below), but it’s still amazing to see a big guy like him easily thrown by someone much smaller than him.

I’m not of the opinion that Tru is a chauvinist. He’s 100% in on the joke…

Like MMA’s own Steve-O, putting himself through hell for our enjoyment.  Continue reading “Reporter Antagonizes Ronda Rousey, Gets Slammed”

Car Thief Hit By His Own Brick

This gif, made from a video of a drunken criminal in Drogheda, Ireland is so funny it’ll knock you out, make you sh*t bricks, and all those other puns you were expecting.

When the police arrived outside of Gerry Brady’s Pub to investigate the incident, the car thief accused the pub’s owner of “attacking” him.

Fast-forward to Irish cops keeling over with laughter after reviewing surveillance footage that showed him out cold after losing a fight with a car.

Emma Watson and Prince Harry Aren’t a Thing

Hermione mud bloodSo you heard that Emma Watson and Prince Harry are an item, yes? Well, they’re not. Firstly, Watson is a classy young broad who I’d like to believe has much better taste than that, and second, she said so on Twitter (sort of).

But then again, I wanted to believe that Hermione Granger wouldn’t fall for a certain sweet-yet-clueless ginger with a knack for being dead weight when people are busy trying their hardest to destroy Voldemort. Lesson: anyone lacking the last name “Potter” or “Radcliffe” is a bad choice for her.

Here’s what Watson had to say on social media about not dating a full-blood prince:

The “exclusive” story from Women’s Day Australia detailed a tryst that thrived on “secret dates” and the fact that Harry is “smitten” for more than just “Emma’s looks,” and is instead after her soul because he doesn’t have one.  Continue reading “Emma Watson and Prince Harry Aren’t a Thing”

Super-Centenarian Attributes Old Age to Raw Eggs, Single Life

Emma morano CentenarianThe oldest woman in Europe and fifth oldest in the world, 115-year-old Italian-born Emma Morano tells the New York Times she believes she’s cruised through three centuries because of her diet, which has included three raw eggs a day since adolescence, and her decision never to remarry.

Morano has been living the single life since 1938, when she separated from her husband and forever decided she “didn’t want to be dominated by anyone.”

Amazingly, Italy’s famous super-centenarian refuses to ever go to the hospital. Continue reading “Super-Centenarian Attributes Old Age to Raw Eggs, Single Life”

Awesome Honest Valentine’s Cards Will Help Keep Your Heart Frozen

honest funny valentine's card 3

Resist the urge to give Hallmark your hard-earned money with these totally honest Valentine’s Cards. For that person in your life that you’re not sure about at all but were thinking about sending flowers to because you don’t want to be alone…  Continue reading “Awesome Honest Valentine’s Cards Will Help Keep Your Heart Frozen”

Stories I’m Too Lazy to Write About [1-28-15]

Paris Hilton monkey whacking it gif

 No man or monkey is immune to Paris Hilton‘s feminine charms. (Uproxx)

Amada Peet (wife of creator David Benioff) hates Game of Thrones(Gawker)

33% increase in people being idiots with guns at the airport since 2013. (Mental Floss)

Eat as much fat as you can because it‘s delicious keeps you young. (MaxWorkouts)

Woman born with adactylia talks pros and cons of Freakshow’s Lobster Boy. (Jezebel)

One of Blink 182‘s lead singers is still in the band but refuses to tour or record. (Spin)

Football-playing children will grow up braindead. Might I suggest ballet? (Time)

The new Ghostbusters movie is basically Bridesmaids 2 with ghosts. (CinemaBlend)

Nancy Grace Gets Panties in a Wad Over Marijuana Legalization for the 100th Time, Yells at Dr. Drew

nancy grace pot meme2 Chainz and Nancy won’t-listen-to-reason Grace made headlines when they duked it out over whether or not weed is dangerous, and of course 2 Chainz was the rational one.

In a new debate, Nancy made a fool of herself in front of Dr. Drew. (Though Dr. Drew almost beat her out on that front when he sorta kinda said he was for the legalization of meth.) Anyway, since not a lot of kids or women have gone missing or been shot lately, Nancy’s personal marijuana vendetta has grown into a Pacific Rim-sized monster that no one, not even Nancy herself, can put a stop to.  Continue reading “Nancy Grace Gets Panties in a Wad Over Marijuana Legalization for the 100th Time, Yells at Dr. Drew”

Video: Woman Keeps an Arsenal of Useful Items in Her Bra

Some women keep money in their bras, or weed, like my best friend. Others take it to another level… Watch this magician in action as she pulls a flash, a fifth of vodka and a whole bunch of keys out from under her boob like it’s nothing.
woman pulling things out of bra  woman keys and vodka in bra
Couldn’t even tell any of that stuff was in there, could you? (Via Grouchy Muffin)