I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…

Nicki minaj pink outfit anaconda
On behalf of everyone, I would like to proclaim that I watched all of Nicki Minaj‘s new music video, which is “Baby Got Back” with a different title and a verse about a dude named Michael with a “dick bigger than a tower” who tossed her salad “like his name Romaine.” 
nicki minaj anaconda gif
Michael and this other guy Troy love that she’s down to bang in a car and that she eats breakfast lunch and dinner because, as you can tell from the salad references and slow-motion banana peeling, she’s very health conscious.

As with all things Nicki Minaj, it all boils down to the ass, and this is definitely the most assalicious song of Nicki’s. (“Dance A$$” doesn’t count if we’re being technical.)

The video is just an excuse for Nicki and other self-proclaimed big bootied hoes to twerk.

All twerk and no play / twerking hard or hardly twerking?

Continue reading “I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…”

Prince Fielder + EPSN Body Issue = Sexiest Cover of All Time

prince fielder body issue cover prince fielder body issue
Prince Fielder’s bear body and DGAF expression put the naked butts and boobs of fellow 2014 ESPN Body Issue cover models Venus Williams, Marshawn Lynch, [snowboarder] Jamie Anderson, Serge Ibaka and Michael Phelps to shame.

If you don’t want to ravish him on a fur rug, your face is a waste of good eye sockets. 

Continue reading “Prince Fielder + EPSN Body Issue = Sexiest Cover of All Time”

Spit-Swapping Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez Dubbed ‘Zichelle’

Michelle and Zac kissing Michelle Rodriguez’s super-fun romance with Cara Delevingne has been replaced for the summer by a less-fun one with Zac Efron (there they are, making out in Italy), who has a really nice body but is boring as month-old apple pie.

Unlike Michelle, her temper and supermodel ex, Zac is almost “too perfect” for my liking. I believe him to be keeping screeching retards captive in his basement like that black lady on Desperate Housewives.

Apparently, Tumblr seems to think “Zichelle” consists of some crappy boy band kid named Zach Porter and gf Michelle Forget, but I’m here to tell you that this is the real Zichelle even though I see them lasting about as long as my desire to have chickens in my backyard. (I don’t have a backyard.)

 

 

Rihanna Basically Wore No Clothes to a Fashion Award Show

Rihanna see through dressRihanna, one of the most-naked celebrities, is considered a fashion icon. Go figure. If fashion is ever-changing, then Rihanna – with her five unique hair styles a year and bottomless wardrobe – IS fashion (Tom Ford called her dearly departed Instagram account “the most important” thing in the industry), but she also has entire closets dedicated to bikinis and nipple pasties. 

Rihanna’s stripper’s paradise continued at the CFDA’s earlier today in New York, where she was presented with the Fashion Icon Award wearing a bedazzled shower cap, see-through strip of fabric by Adam Selma, and pinkish fur.

Perhaps the hat is more of a flapper head dress than synchronized swimwear, but who besides an asexual design student would even notice what’s going on above the neck?

Why Do People Put Things There?: A Question Not Even ‘Sex Sent Me to the E.R.’ Can Answer

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Kinky role-playing ends up in the emergency room. There is a television show on TLC called “Sex Sent Me to the E.R.” This episode stuck in my mind because of the previous post from a book titled “Stuck up.” Stories like these make me wonder why people feel the need to put very odd things in places they don’t belong.

A Canadian couple by the name of Jason and Michelle decides to role play. She a princess and he was a fire breathing dragon. Handcuffs were involved in this role playing (I am unsure why a dragon would handcuff a princess), and the keys ended up in her vagina (like you didn’t see that coming). This event ended with them in the emergency room, and MORE bad news.

At first the couple pretended not to know what was wrong hoping the doctor would find through an exam. Whenever something bad happens to me that I’m embarrassed about, I think “it can be worse.”  Continue reading “Why Do People Put Things There?: A Question Not Even ‘Sex Sent Me to the E.R.’ Can Answer”

Hilarious Fake Lawsuit Has Johnny Manziel Sending X-Rated Hotdog-Themed Selfies

Johnny Manziel hotdogBrowns quarterback Johnny “Football” Manziel allegedly sent Dr. Drew On Call co-host Samantha Schacher a photo of his penis in a hotdog bun and a video of him dancing naked to “It’s a Small World,” in a $25 million dollar lawsuit filed in Florida.

The 1st round draft pick’s agent is calling the suit “1000000% fake,” and it’s more than likely that serial legal attention-seeker Jonathan Lee Riches is behind the whole thing. (Schacher denies ever filing it.)

Riches is the man who accused Kim and Kanye of being terrorists and Britney Spears of forcing him to buy implants and cocaine for her at gunpoint.

Read: The 18 Most Outrageous Things Johnny Football Has Done

 

And the Best Nude Scene of the Year Goes to…

alexandra daddario true detective nude scene
The guy who founded Mr. Skin, all-knowing authority on naked ladies, says he already knows what the best nude scene of 2014 is, and the honor goes to True Detective and Alexandra Daddario

He says it was a close call between Margot Robbie (in The Wolf of Wall Street) and Daddario, who was previously known for more PG roles in the Percy Jackson series and Parenthood.  The Mr. Skin guy is very well-spoken, attributing her success to the fact that she “has these amazing breasts and all this other stuff.”

The crazy thing about True Detective, besides the jugs, is that people who have seen it and people who haven’t are in the same exact boat. I’ve watched it, and I’m 50% sure Matthew McConaughey plays two different people, but he can’t find himself because he’s always getting drunk in a police interrogation room. It’s HBO’s own United States of McConaughey.  Continue reading “And the Best Nude Scene of the Year Goes to…”

GQ Made Julia Louis-Dreyfus Bang a Clown

Julia Dreyfus clown sexFirst of all, I want to applaud Time magazine for trying to write a serious piece about Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ “lust-filled embrace” with a shirtless clown.

While they chose the title “Clown Sex and the Rise of Funny-Naked Women,” Gawker went with the much more straightforward and attention-grabbing “Julia Louis-Dreyfus F*cks a Clown For GQ.”

It’s not too hard to imagine Louis-Dreyfus agreeing to this, seeing as it was for the Comedy Issue, listing her as one of the “15 Funniest People Alive,” and this picture is definitely funny.

What’s almost better is the photo of the aftermath. #ClownBaby

Dreyfus is on a roll lately, also causing a bit of a controversy when she posed for an April cover of Rolling Stone with words from the US Constitution tattooed on her nude body.

In Other News, Guy Gets Paid To Pour Water on Rihanna’s Back

Exclusive - Rihanna Does a Skin Photo Shoot Half Naked in the Hollywood Hills Some people list teacher, policeman, veterinarian or chef as their dream job, others put “dumping water on Rihanna’s backside.” …To each their own.

Let’s list the pros and cons of pouring water on Rihanna.

Pros: It’s easy.

Cons: If Rihanna sees your boner, she’ll probably alert everyone in the vicinity with a loud “EH!” resulting in the loss of your job and you looking on Craigslist for opposing employment that involves intense labor like hauling cement blocks in the pouring rain.

In other other news, totally attractive virgin bobsledder Lolo Jones wrote on Twitter that it’s going to be hard for Drake to “hand out all those awards to Rihanna’s ex boyfriends” at the ESPYs. Ho ho ho I get it and cannot contain my laughter because Rihanna dated one athlete in 2011.  Continue reading “In Other News, Guy Gets Paid To Pour Water on Rihanna’s Back”

Lindsay Lohan’s List of Famous Sexual Partners Includes One Justin, Two Jamies and an Adam

Lindsay Lohan sex list
In Touch got ahold on a copy of Lindsay Lohan’s list of sexual conquests and quickly put it where it belongs: in our hands. Apparently, besides Mean Girls, banging famous guys is Lindsay’s greatest achievement.

There are many men who could surely pen buzzworthy lists of past shags, hell, some of them are on her list (Colin Farrell), but surely it be more impressive if she hadn’t thrown her career away to go to the clubs where she likely met most of these gentleman callers. Is that ankle bracelet keeping you warm at night? I think not.

Lindsay’s list – reportedly written in January of last year at the Beverly Hills Hotel – includes the obvious (Wilmer Valderrama, Max George) and not-so obvious (Timberlake, Levine, Joaquin Phoenix??) and the downright sad (Heath Ledger, ZACK EFFRON?).  Continue reading “Lindsay Lohan’s List of Famous Sexual Partners Includes One Justin, Two Jamies and an Adam”

Michelle Rodriguez Shares Naked Meditation Photo

Michelle Rodriguez naked Thailand Michelle Rodriguez, angry princess of action films and not giving a f*ck, recently shared a beautiful photo of the ocean view in Thailand. 

Probably taken by her girlfriend of two wonderful months (model Cara Delevingne, who Rodriguez called “cool” and “awesome” to The Mirror), the shot features lovely palm trees, grass, luscious tropical shrubs and most of Michelle’s ass.

“A sweet break from worldly chaos not missing the city although the mosquitoes are killer out here love the peace & quiet,” Rodriguez wrote on Instagram.

To cure your boredom, imagine bloodthirsty snakes, skin-melting fire ants and “caterpillars that shoot a cloud of venomous hairs” (according to THIS), interrupting this careless nude meditation session.

 

Video: Beyoncé – Partition (Explicit)

Beyoncé is a dedicated wife and mother, but in her latest clip, “Partition,” we see her do what she truly thrives at: performing. Do me a favor and read some lyrics before proceeding:

Oh he so horny, yeah he want to f*ck
He popped all my buttons, and he ripped my blouse
He Monica Lewinsky’d all on my gown

Oh there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel
Oh baby baby we betta slow it down

(By performing, I mean bedazzling her funbags and wearing floppy hats and elaborate lingerie that could only be undone by a Greek God with an industrial chainsaw. )  Continue reading “Video: Beyoncé – Partition (Explicit)”

Natalia Kills Gets Half-Naked and High For ‘Trouble’

Natalia Kills Trouble stillHot off the release of her second album, Natalia Kills’ latest video is like “We Found Love,” “Love The Way You Lie” and maybe an episode of Skins: full of partial nudity, drug use and general hot-girl-on-ugly-guy mischief.

Kills, famous for her high ponytail and uptempo jams like “Free” (“Wanna be like Midas, but my bank account is minus”) and “Mirrors” from her first effort Perfectionist, usually sprinkles her songs with more than a hint awareness of irony, setting herself apart from the Katy Perrys of the world.

In “Trouble” Natalia’s romance with a hooligan is chronicled, starting with a filthy apartment and a make out session steamier than your vegan friend’s broccoli casserole. Kills (born Natalia Cappuccini), drags her boytoy into a bar where he gets into the inevitable fight which ends with her crying in the rain, plus car sex, plus HOLY SHIT I THINK SHE KILLED HER BOYFRIEND. Again. Continue reading “Natalia Kills Gets Half-Naked and High For ‘Trouble’”

Khloe Kardashian: “Leave My Sister’s Nipples Alone!”

Kendall jenner safe for workIf you haven’t already heard, Kendall Jenner’s nipples caused a huge scene at a Marc Jacobs fashion show in New York because 1. She’s KARDASHIAN famous. 2. She just turned 18, and people are freaks. 3. Men and women alike still go apeshit over the human body because we’re all surrounded by jiggling asses and duct tape nipples and are still made to feel ashamed of our boners.

Big sister’s Khloe and Kim tweeted in defense of Kendall’s mammary glands, not only to the haterade-drinking KKK haters, but to Instagram for removing photos they’d posted of said glands walking the runway.  Continue reading “Khloe Kardashian: “Leave My Sister’s Nipples Alone!””

Snowboarder Puts # On Helmet, Phone Crashed By Desperate Women

russian snowboarder phone numberA young Russian snowboarder received thousands of messages from women who took notice of the fact that he wore a helmet with his actual phone number written on the side and stood on a rebellious Pussy Riot board during last week’s Olympic finals.

Too many sexy texts and topless photos for his phone’s media storage to handle…

“I’ve got a collection of pictures,” the 22-year-old told USA Today. “It’s really boring in the Olympic Village, you know?”

There are three types of women who would do such a thing: ones who want to be famous, ones who want to talk to a famous person, and ones who are just super horny and bored. Most fall a little into all three categories. These women are a step above those who become penpals with men serving life sentences for murder and a big step below frequent OkCupid users.  Continue reading “Snowboarder Puts # On Helmet, Phone Crashed By Desperate Women”

Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams


Vin Diesel may look like he could pick you up and throw you against not just the wall but the ceiling and possibly Earth’s atmosphere and beyond, but his “moves” on the dance floor leave something to be desired.

Click to watch VD in soldier garb doing sex eyes for the camera, sway awkwardly and mouth the words to Katy Perry and Beyonce songs he’s not super familiar. Continue reading “Vin Diesel IS NOT the Dancing Male Stripper of Your Dreams”

Let’s All Take a Minute to Objectify Andrew Luck

Andrew Luck naked locker roomToday was a very upsetting day for me, football-wise.

The Eagles lost by two points to a team who had NEVER previously won a playoff game on the road… those damn voodoo-practicing, bayou bourbon-sipping swamp hobbits, the New Orleans Saints.

Before that depressing reality, Indianapolis made an impressive comeback against the Chiefs. But more interestingly, man-of-the-hour Andrew Luck was captured in an embarrassing half-naked locker room stance in a teammate’s tweet.

Culprit Pat McAfee later deleted this rare photo of a sasquatch in captivity (THAT neck beard tho), but not before it was saved to desktops and posted to every sports site on the internet. Whoops.  Continue reading “Let’s All Take a Minute to Objectify Andrew Luck”