The Xbox One Has a Bad Personality and Needs a Lot of Makeup

Xbox One console and controller
Microsoft unveiled the new Xbox today and it’s pretty much what we feared/expected. It’s not backwards compatible, requires the Kinect to be plugged in at all times, and it looks like a VCR from the ’80s.

What’s that you say? It looks nice and sleek in the picture, like a 360 and PS3’s lovechild?

Well yeah, in good lighting, with all the help of a hundred or more professional photographers and airbrushers it looks like a sober Kate Moss. Brace yourself. Beans are about to be spilled…

Continue reading “The Xbox One Has a Bad Personality and Needs a Lot of Makeup”

Rihanna Trolls Instagram User Who Trolled Her

Rihanna highwayRihanna’s a badass, right? Like, she has a tiny gun tattooed under her armpit and she sings about being “so hard” and shooting men. Rum pum pum pum eh eh oh oh?

One of the many people who forgot she was a gangster with a Penguin-style umbrella arsenal called her family members “retarded” on Instagram. Rihanna noticed this and posted a photo of the user next to a goat, asking her millions and millions of Twitter and Instagram followers to spot the differences.

“Can you spot the 3 things that are different in these pics? Chile, it’s time to privatize that account,” Rihanna wrote in response to ms_kasharna1, a woman who reportedly trolled her in the past by saying she looked “dirty” and needed to be punched by Chris Brown again.  Continue reading “Rihanna Trolls Instagram User Who Trolled Her”

Hacker Group Busts Into E!’s Twitter, Writes That Justin Bieber is Gay

Justin Bieber is so gayE! Online’s Twitter feed was taken over Saturday afternoon by The Syrian Electronic Army, a hacker group who took over AP’s account in April to trick users into believing the White House was under attack.

This time they covered the lighter topic of Justin Bieber‘s sexuality, writing that the pop star had come out as a gay boy and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, was fully supportive of the decision.

“E online’s breaking news twitter and sms accounts were compromised today,” the company said in a statement after a momentary suspension. “We’re working to have this resolved as quickly as possible and are fully investigating the incident.”

It’s too bad this isn’t true. I could see myself being friends with gay Justin hair-flipping and temper tantruming his way through LAX. Straight JB taking endless shirtless selfies, not so much. Continue reading “Hacker Group Busts Into E!’s Twitter, Writes That Justin Bieber is Gay”

Rape, Praise for Rapists and Threatening Rape Victims: Anything Goes in Steubenville

Steubenville rapistsNormally it’s stories of animal abuse that disturb me to the point of actually being distracted during my daily routine, but every once in a while a news report of human tragedy like the one in Sandy Hook comes along and reminds me that I’m not incapable of sympathy.

For me, it was Amanda Todd, the Canadian teen who was blackmailed and bullied so harshly over a topless screen capture that she took her own life. (The post-mortem online bashing pushed me over the what-is-happening-to-the-world edge.)

For others, it’s the Steubenville case in which two “promising” (as CNN reminded us) high school football players were found guilty of rape and sentenced to one and two years in a detention center.

The boys, wide receiver Ma’lik Richmond and quarterback Trent Mays, bragged about their exploits using a trifecta of social media that included Twitter, Instagram and YouTube, posting photos and videos of (and relating to) the unconscious victim.

Continue reading “Rape, Praise for Rapists and Threatening Rape Victims: Anything Goes in Steubenville”

Celebrities as Normal People, by Planet Hiltron

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Photoshop master Danny Evans has been downgrading celebrities since 2006, giving us an opportunity to do more than just imagine what notable celebrities like Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Nicki Minaj would look like as ordinary, working class people.

His most viral piece seems to be bloated Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, but who could forget Ashlee Simpson as a midwestern Nebraskan corn queen, Jennifer Lopez as a social worker who appears to operate out of a barn, or Zooey Deschanel standing alone in a diner after prom?

Continue reading “Celebrities as Normal People, by Planet Hiltron”

Madonna is ‘Addicted’ To Sweat, And Instagram!

Madonna wig InstagramMadonna just joined Instagram and has already started hazing herself. In the first photo, Madge wears a Bettie Page wig with a peculiar orange tint and a simple “Cheers motherf*ckers! I’m on instagram.”

One commentator wrote that she looked like “an aardvark sucking up ants,” but I disagree…

Lady Gaga looks nothing like an aardvark.

She ditched the alcoholic drink in her second picture for a breezy, cucumber-infused shot of semen. Semen that she claimed was sweat. Sweat that she is “addicted to.” (If you’re immature and you know it and you really wanna show it KEEP REPLACING “SWEAT” WITH “SEMEN.”)  Continue reading “Madonna is ‘Addicted’ To Sweat, And Instagram!”

Lewis Hamilton Buys Private Jet to See More of Nicole Scherzinger

Lewis hamilton nicole scherzingerIf you were a Formula 1 Race Driver who just signed a $94 million contract with Mercedes would you rather a) buy a $47 million private jet to see your girlfriend across the world or b) spend $1 million on whores to dress up like your girlfriend. See this is the difference between true romantic Lewis Hamilton and Charlie Sheen.

The 28-year old race car driver splashed out on a private jet so he could see his former Pussy Cat Doll and shiteous solo artist Nicole Scherzinger. See ladies, all it takes to supremely whip a man is exotic Eurasian- Indian looks and the leadership skills to shoot seven strippers to stardom.

Continue reading “Lewis Hamilton Buys Private Jet to See More of Nicole Scherzinger”

Manti Te’o Clears The Air, Says ‘Never Ever Would I Be Part of This’

Manti Te'o Notre Dame AlabamaManti Te’o admitted in an audio interview with ESPN Friday that he tailored his stories so people would think that he had met Lennay Kekua, the woman he believed to be his girlfriend, who was actually a fictional character created by Ronaiah Tuiasosopo and two other people.

“You know I even knew that it was crazy that I was with someone that I didn’t meet. And let alone people find out that this girl who died who I was so invested in, I didn’t meet her as well,” Te’o told Jeremy Schaap.  Continue reading “Manti Te’o Clears The Air, Says ‘Never Ever Would I Be Part of This’”

People Keep Accidentally Posting Naked Pics on eBay

Naked man in tea kettleI’ve always been too impatient for eBay. I don’t want to have to compete for a freaking laptop cord because I have important things to do, like trying to figure out the who, what, why, where and when of American Horror Story: Asylum.

Perhaps if I had known that eBay is a secret breeding ground for more than just baseball cards and Harry Potter collectibles, I would have been more enthusiastic about browsing their wares.

After a British seller named Aimi Jones snapped a naked photo of herself standing next to a yellow dress, The Sun and Daily Mail compiled a collection of equally (or more) depraved eBay reflection shots.  Continue reading “People Keep Accidentally Posting Naked Pics on eBay”

A Brief Summary of Events in the Confusing Case of Manti Te’o’s Fake Online Girlfriend

Manti Teo Lennay KekuThe story of promising Notre Dame University linebacker and Heisman-contender Manti Te’o‘s girlfriend is confusing. Since it’s already all over the news, I’ll attempt to explain it to you in the simplest way.

On October 10, 2011, a woman using the name Lennay Kekua contacted the then 19-year-old football player on Twitter. They quickly became “friends” who interacted frequently, taking it to the next level a few months later, in January of 2012.

In September, Te’o lost his grandma and his online girlfriend, who was thought to have been diagnosed with leukemia.  Continue reading “A Brief Summary of Events in the Confusing Case of Manti Te’o’s Fake Online Girlfriend”

Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3

Jimmy Kimmel released his third “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” segment on Tuesday to commemorate the six-year anniversary of Twitter existing.

The first two featured recent guests like Justin Bieber, Anna Faris, Snooki, Kristen Stewart and Katy Perry reading grammatically questionable Tweets attacking their character, appearance, and/or career.

Continue reading “Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3”

Coming Soon to IMAX: Queen Elizabeth’s Christmas Speech!

Queen Elizabeth red coatFirst the Pope joins Twitter, and now the Queen is in 3D. What’s next, The Celebrity Apprentice in space? The Guardian is reporting that Sky News (who have recently added 3D golf and soccer to their programming), will broadcast Queen Elizabeth II’s speech on Christmas day in 3D.

“What’s the highlight of her speech? Like she’s going to give one hand gesture and people will be like ‘Remember when the hand came at you?'” Chelsea Lately round table member Ryan Stout wondered.

A spokeswoman for the palace said The Queen “agreed straight away” and needed no convincing to have her likeness glaring and waving her finger in an extra dimension on Jesus’ birthday.  Continue reading “Coming Soon to IMAX: Queen Elizabeth’s Christmas Speech!”

Thousands of Facebook Users Fell For ‘Win $1M For Sharing This Post’ Powerball Trick

nolan-daniels-fake-ticketA man claiming to have just won $588 million in the lottery wrote that he would give $1 million to one lucky Facebook user who shared the post.

And share they did, over 707,000 times, not knowing that the man, Nolan Daniels, is a complete liar who couldn’t be bothered to photoshop the Powerball numbers in the right order.

One particularly eye-opening entry in the comment section was even worse than the hoax itself.

“Hey I shared and liked it! :) I heard rumors that the winner was black… but I much rather know it was you!” Alisa Willingham wrote.  Continue reading “Thousands of Facebook Users Fell For ‘Win $1M For Sharing This Post’ Powerball Trick”

Check Out This Playable Tetris Pumpkin!

Programmer and DIY artist Nathan Pryor created pumpkin that you can actually play Tetris on, cleverly naming it “Pumpktris.”

The stem functions as a controller while the lantern face was painstakingly made over the course of a week and a half using LEDs.

In short, his pumpkin is cooler than yours, and cooler than any pumpkin you may choose to make in the future and that’s just the way it is and always will be.

The exact ingredients for this classic game inside a pumpkin = 128 LEDs, 256 pieces of heat-shrink tubing, and 313 soldier joints, according to Pyor’s website  Continue reading “Check Out This Playable Tetris Pumpkin!”

Disney Just Bought Lucasfilm For $4 Billion, Will Release A New Star Wars Film In 2015

Holy crap. Walt Disney Pictures bought Lucasfilm and the rights to Star Wars for $4.05 billion dollars today. And that’s not all. Disney CEO Bob Iger says new movies are on the way!

“The expectation is we’ll release 2 and 3 [‘Episode 8’ and ‘9’] … probably on a cadence on every other year [after 7 in 2015], and then go from there. … The film is what I’ll call early stage development right now,” Iger said in a conference call.

Here’s the official statement from George Lucas:  Continue reading “Disney Just Bought Lucasfilm For $4 Billion, Will Release A New Star Wars Film In 2015”