20th Century Fox Agreed To Distribute ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,’ But Why?

People love references to pop culture, the problem is, most of those references have a cheese-like expiration date and eventually become as forgettable as your best friend’s grandma’s name.

Like all things written on paper, comic books are declining in sales. They are read by thousands and seen by millions.

The Walking Dead and Wanted exceeded expectations, and while Scott Pilgrim vs. the World failed to soar at the box office, it remains a cult favorite of teens and 20-somethings.

Jonah Hex, also based on a comic also did poorly despite the casting of Megan Fox and Josh Brolin. But how do movies like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Jonah Hex even get made?

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I Take It Back, I CAN’T Watch ‘America’s Got Talent’

For months I’ve been anticipating America’s Got Talent specifically for Howard Stern. Apparently, I forgot one very important thing, that show SUCKS beyond belief. Not even Stern can save it.

I recorded all 120 minutes of it on my DVR yesterday night along with my usual programming and watched less than half of it. I already had some kind of ginger sun headache and dehydration from drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade so my patience was diminished.

Wimp ailments or not, I couldn’t stay interested. The camera work, editing and audience noise is intolerable plus the “talent” is non-existant. A stripper magician, lady who sings covered in cockatiels, and usual American Idol-style fuck ups don’t cut it.  Continue reading “I Take It Back, I CAN’T Watch ‘America’s Got Talent’”

Did Lionsgate Use Their Hunger Games Money To Pay Off ‘The Cabin In The Woods’ Critics?

The plot of The Cabin In The Woods isn’t something I can talk much about. I can say that the ending insulted my intelligence, that the acting was bad and the special effects worse. Oh, and it’s not scary. Still want to see it?

I can’t warn you enough that it isn’t worth the price of a movie ticket or even a plastic bouncy ball from the Dollar Tree.

You’ll know from watching the trailer that there are five typical horror characters here – the jock, the whore, the fool, the scholar and the virgin.

This group of college-age people travel up to a cabin, belonging to the cousin of jock Chris Hemsworth aka Thor, that is being heavily monitored by an unseen group, Hunger Games-style. It’s part Evil Dead, part Truman Show, part Thirteen Ghosts.  Continue reading “Did Lionsgate Use Their Hunger Games Money To Pay Off ‘The Cabin In The Woods’ Critics?”

Adam Sandler’s ‘Jack And Jill’ Reviews Are A Drag

On Friday, Adam Sandler’s latest comedy Jack And Jill wasn’t an easy over-the-top pill to swallow. In fact, the previews for the film featuring Sandler as himself and as his own sister, were more Scary Movie or SNL skit/spoof than reality.

Rotten Tomatoes had Jack And Jill receiving a 0% rating the day it came out, and later a 3% with critics saying things like “More than 24 hours has passed since I watched the new Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill and I am still dead inside.” (And that’s from Time Magazine)

Brian Orndorf said, “I’m not even sure this qualifies as a real movie,” with Rene Rodriguez of the Miami Herald interjecting, “Left to his own devices, Sandler reverts to his worst, laziest habits.” Key words from ALL reviewers = BAD, SWILL, UNFUNNY and SAD.

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Reasons To NOT See ‘Paranormal Activity 3’

I went into Paranormal Activity 3 with reasonable expectations, or maybe a fraction high since the preview actually made the third movie in the low-budget cult ghost/demon franchise look better than the second. However, PA3 is significantly worse than than the sequel.

After 2007’s Paranormal Activity first hit theaters, the ingenious indie thriller which cost $11,000 to to make, we all wondered how a sequel was even a possibility after the unlucky demon-magnet Katie killed her camera-toting husband and was “never seen again.”

The second movie, which is prequel, same as PA3, followed Katie’s sister Kristi  (Sprague Grayden) just two months before the suspenseful events of the first. It ended with Katie killing her sister and stealing her baby…

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Scarlett Johansson As Useless Black Widow (Avengers Trailer)

I went from liking Scarlett Johansson in movies like Ghost World, to hating her, then Woody Allen convinced me that I loved her and now I’m pretty sure – I can’t stand her.

In interviews she’s vapid and sugary, and in movies, well, she almost always plays the same person. Some confused girl with a far-away look in her eye. But perhaps that IS Scarlett. I don’t know…

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Foster These People…

I know I complain about almost everything and you all might be wondering at this point, what does this chick even like besides bad reality shows and Britney Spears? Well, a lot of things, but praise isn’t all that interesting.

I could praise Foster The People as the biggest indie band of 2011. I could tell that that I love their CD Torches and that my favorite tracks are “Don’t Stop (Color On The Walls)” and “Helena Beat” OR I could tell you that I’m becoming disenchanted with the band after seeing them on SNL…

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Worst Celebrity Bikini Bodies Of 2011 (Porpoise Sightings)

Julia Roberts, Ke$ha and Mel B

Ah celebrities and their love/hate relationship with the beach, bikinis, paparazzi and general body dysmorphia. Body issues that I am in no way helping by critiquing and berated on my filthy, degrading website. (Meh)

Most of these celebrities aren’t even overweight. In fact, many are disturbingly skinny and withered from years of starvation, mid-chest sun exposure, alcohol-slurping and botched cosmetic surgery…

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Terminator’s John Connor (Edward Furlong) Is A Terrible Father

Edward Furlong, who was the second and possibly most memorable actor to play John Connor in the Terminator film series, owes over $15,000 in child support payments to his ex-wife Rachael Bella Kneeland.

This is one of many of Furlong’s public/shameful issues. Kneeland complained back in January that Furlong was a month behind on his payments to her, and asked for an increase in both spousal and child support.

She also attempted to “terminate” phone contact between their son, Ethan, and Edward, after he called her a “dragon” on the phone to Ethan, and mentioned that her new boyfriend was a wimp who “has a vagina…”

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10 Bands That Suck Live

1. Fall Out Boy. ANY performance on Youtube of these now-defunct emo-pop rockers will prove to you that Patrick Stump and Pete Wentz should be called fall-apart-live-boy. It’s an open-ended nightmare of out-of-breath singing accompanied by mediocre guitar playing, out of sync bass and incomprehensibly bad drumming. I’ve literally seen little girls beating on buckets with spoons that sound better.

2. The Black Eyed Peas. Besides the fact that none of the four members do anything on stage except jump into the air and slap their hands together like those cymbal-banging monkey toys, Fergie’s range is horribly halted. Just check out their Superbowl performance. It’s a tragedy.

3. Ke$ha. It was proven to me finally on SNL that Ke$ha is mind-blowingly embaressing on stage. She lacks all of the charisma you experience when listening to her on CD, the robotic voice, the energy, it’s all gone in concert. All you’re left with is a blonde lion standing on stage in a spandex bodysuit that glows in the dark. Throw in some strobe lights for bad measure. It’s still not worth $60 dollars.

4. Blondie. The fact that some of the most memorable, most sampled songs belong to this iconic 80’s band doesn’t negate the fact that Deborah Harry cannot sing live, or that the band sounds looser than Octomom’s vagina. The songs “Call Me,” “One Way Or Another” and “Heart Of Glass” all play out like some above average cover band that you could see for free in a summer concert series in your local park (This is what happens when you sleep with your entire band, Debbie, no one can focus).

5. No Doubt. I love No Doubt and Gwen Stefani as much as the next person. The band is talented and so is Gwen but her live singing is really bubbly and awkward at times. She changes the whole original flow of the songs by “rapping” certain parts. In the end No Doubt disappoints in concert because you just expect so much more. Gwen needs to stop doing push-ups and focus on vocalizing.

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Obama’s Approval Rating, Worse Than Bush

Today’s Presidential Tracking Poll shows that only 19% of voters strongly approve of Barack Obama’s performance, with 43% strongly disapproving.

Basically, Obama beat out George Bush’s lowest approval rating of 20%, for worst ever.

Of course I don’t believe that that notorious ignoramus George Bush was a better president than Obama. I also don’t think the majority of people, especially democrats, feel that way…

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Reasons To NOT See Shark Night 3D

I’ve been seeing ads for this “sharks in a lake” concept movie for months now, one that sparked my interest as a fun yet unrelated follow-up to 2010’s Piranha 3D, which featured piranha’s in a lake.

Sadly Shark Night is nothing like Piranha, besides the first 20 minutes it is perhaps the weirdest shark movie I’ve ever seen. It lacks that complete ability to make fun of itself that I’m used to seeing with these movies…

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Celebs With Fucked Up Teeth

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As a fellow fucked-up teeth/tooth alumni, I admire celebrities (mostly) who can rock some slightly odd teeth.

I’m also a fan of at least half these people, especially Kristin Stewart, David Letterman, Mischa Barton, Freddie Mercury, Anna Paquin, Morgan Freeman and Keira Knightley…

But oi, I am not gonna ignore the fact that their teeth are a little sketchy. Regardless, rock that crooked grin, with your gaps, Chiclets, wolf teeth (Avril), or lack thereof!

[Show me your teeth]

Is It Sick That I Like A Selena Gomez Song?

The other day I was listening to the radio (gasp) to be specific pop radio (double gasp) and I heard a song that I thought was catchy, so I tapped my foot and whatnot. Then at the end the announcer was like “…That’s the latest song from Selena Gomez, ‘Love You Like A Love Song.'”

Ouch. Even though it sounds like some Miley Cyrus single from Can’t Be Tamed and she looks like a tall version of one of those Toddlers & Tiaras children, with her perm and multi-colored eyeshadow, I kinda of liked it. A LITTLE BIT! Not a ton.

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Game – The R.E.D. Album Review

Notable West Coast-revival rapper Game (formerly The Game) is the proud father of a fourth CD, his first since 2008’s LAX. With his tattoo-body advertising (Converse, Hurricane Shoes, Dodgers) multiple arrests and Grammy nominations, Game is looking to regain the spotlight, though perhaps it is a spotlight he never really had.

While he may have been certified platinum for his well-respected debut The Documentary, his level of recognition has not spiked since. He looks to do just that with The R.E.D Album, his first album to be released when he himself is not surrounded by controversy – whether it be assault charges, lawsuits or beefs with other artists. The question is, does he have “the game,” to be successful without all the non-musical hype?

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Kanye and Jay-Z Debut Boring New “Otis” Video

Look man, I already heard this song last month and found it boring, now Kanye and Jay-Z have released “Otis” as a video, and it’s still boring. Kanye West  hasn’t excited me in ages, not to mention I am 1,000% sure that he only actually release two songs from each album that are even capable of musically interesting the general non-fanatical community.

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Every Teardrop Is A Moment Listening To Coldplay

So I’m sitting on my couch writing on my laptop at 2:15 a.m. and watching Fuse’s All Nighter show, which is distant compared to the clicking of keys but still prevalent, and all of a sudden guess what I hear? The devil’s voice! Seeping out of my TV like cheap toothpaste. And he’s not what you’d think, his voice is high-pitched, and by no means as commanding as you’d expect the devil’s voice to be.

Then I tune my ears in to his voice, and I feel him hypnotizing me with some horrendous new form of torture. And what is that new form of torture? The one where blood comes pouring from my ear canal, and there can never be enough tissues or towels or doctors to stop the painful endless surge of tissue that is escaping my hemorrhaging brain…

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