Amanda Bynes Frolics in Bikini, Makes Long-Awaited Return to Twitter!

Amanda Bynes bikini 2014
Amanda Bynes MAY be giving us the success story we wasted our time hoping for with Lindsay Lohan…

After entering a hospital and eventually rehab for driving crazily, smashing bongs and lighting fires in people’s yards, Bynes is seemingly back to her content, sane self – spending time with her parents and attending the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising.

Of all the negative things Bynes was “famous” for in recent years, most know her for her presence on Twitter.

Once the queen of attention-grabbing tweets that often involved calling people “ugly” and getting her vagina murdered, not to mention the posting of one-eyed duckface photos, Amanda B. has quietly returned to social media with short and sweet messages about her fans and her birthday. (She just turned 28.)  Continue reading “Amanda Bynes Frolics in Bikini, Makes Long-Awaited Return to Twitter!”

Lindsay Lohan Has Bruises All Over Her Legs

Lindsay Lohan bruisesWhile taking a dip in the waters of Brazil, Lindsay Lohan displayed some pretty large, above-the-knee bruises.

Let me explain this, in case you forgot what happens to your pain tolerance when you get sloshed on jungle juice… Drunk bitches fall hard because they don’t feel it.

Alcohol may ruin your vision, motor skills, and equilibrium, but it also turns you into Hulk, and Lindsay is no exception. Close your mouths and stop imagining that she’s being abused by Avi Snow or Max George or whoever she’s supposed to be dating now.

UNLESS one of them pushed her down the stairs without knowing that her “I’m pregnant” Tweet was a late April Fool’s joke. Here are some other photos of past and present damage: Continue reading “Lindsay Lohan Has Bruises All Over Her Legs”

JWoww’s Going to Look Like Big Ang From ‘Mob Wives’ When She’s Older…

Big Ang bikiniBig-breasted frog Big Ang of VH1’s sometimes-hilarious Mob Wives (also starring Snooki’s favorite throaty bad girl, Drita d’Avanzo) took a bikini beach romp in Fort Lauderdale, Florida earlier this week, reminding us all that she is JWoww 25 years and several tummy tucks later.

We all saw Jenni Farley’s plastic transformation from regular girl-with-boob-job to “Wow, something is wrong with your face but I can’t quite put my finger on it” between season one and six of Jersey Shore, but at least her stomach is intact, for now.

Big Ang (born Angela Raiola in 1960) has the type of belly button that can only be achieved after an abdominoplasty or two…

I call it the Eye of Sauron. Or sometimes, Voldemort’s nostrils. (See Octomom.Continue reading “JWoww’s Going to Look Like Big Ang From ‘Mob Wives’ When She’s Older…”

Royal Palace Sh*tting Crumpets Over Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump

kate middleton bikini baby bumpThe palace is going crazy over honeymoon photos of Kate Middleton published in Italy’s Chi (proudly fucking with the royals since 1997).

She is neither topless nor bottomless. Just in a bikini, pregnant with a pinto bean.

All of Britain’s tabloids passed on printing the very unshocking images of Kate and William vacationing in the West Indies out of “respect” (or fear that their heads would be severed quicker than you can say “She ain’t no human being”).

A St James’ Palace spokesperson issued a statement that the family is “disappointed” over the breach of privacy. As usual, their reaction is more sensationalized than any headline, photo, or story. God save the Duchess.

Demi Moore Laps Up Mud and Younger Men at Bikini Boot Camp

Demi Moore MudAccording to Radar/Star, Demi Moore spent her Christmas vacation in Mexico at “Amansala’s Bikini Bootcamp.”

Amansala’s BBC is an eco-chic (yes, that’s a thing) resort that incorporates activities like yoga, mud-baths, Zumba, meditation, heathy eating and circuit training into your daily routine.

Sounds like a nightmare, but it’s all true. Questionable Star Magazine part ahead….

“A guest” told the publication she was cougar-ing it up, ignoring the scarce selection of fifty-somethings for the 28 to 33 year-olds, all while using the discreet summer camp counselor-style codename “Topper.”  Continue reading “Demi Moore Laps Up Mud and Younger Men at Bikini Boot Camp”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-16-13]

Shakira naked baby bumpBaby bump: Shakira edition! She-wolf poses in bikini with shirtless soccer husband. (Celebuzz)

Edward Furlong losing jobs left and right after latest domestic violence arrest. (TMZ)

In rare news, Howard Stern apologized! (to Jonah Hill’s doppelganger). (Us weekly)

Oprah basically “satisfied” with Lance Armstrong‘s doping confession. (CBS)

The guy who styles Nicki Minaj’wigs quit over “creative differences.” (Idolator)

Lady Gaga buying a share in Neverland Ranch, for restoration purposes? (Huffington Post)

Special edition of Dead Island: Riptide comes with the bloody plastic torso of a woman. (Jezebel)

Jessica Simpson Poses in the Bathroom Mirror After Drinking too Much Beer

Jessica Simpson pregnant bikiniI like to think of this photo of Jessica Simpson as a sequel to the one of her on the toilet.

You all know how I feel about pregnant women, and this one, a bikini-clad Jessica in the mirror pursing her lips together like she’s about to blow 5,0000 candles out on a cake that happens to be inside a paper mill, is no exception.

And even though I know I could fit a cup of Chili and a Frosty from Wendy’s inside that belly button, I’m not going to say anything mean. Anything else that’s mean.

I’d be just as annoyed if it were a partially naked non-pregnant woman taking her own picture with a bejeweled iPhone in the bathroom (no I wouldn’t).

Jennifer Lawrence in Hawaii to Film ‘Catching Fire,’ Takes Bikini Break

The 22-year-old actress who has ridiculously been called overweight, plus size and fat, went on a work-related trip to Hawaii for the highly anticipated Hunger Games sequel.

Jennifer Lawrence took her not-huge-at-all behind to a Maui beach for a surfing lesson with her older brother.

In just a week, Lawrence will travel to nearby Oahu for some of Katniss Everdeen’s famous Catching Fire island scenes with Peeta (Josh Hutcherson), Finnick (Sam Claflin), Johanna (Jena Malone), Beetee, Mags and Wiress.

I won’t give too much away, but the second movie has the potential to be even better than the first. The third, I’m not so sure how they’ll film, but that’s not happening until 2014 (and 15).

Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence in Hawaii to Film ‘Catching Fire,’ Takes Bikini Break”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-14-12]

Judge Judy celebrates her 70th birthday traumatizing world and/or turning it on. (ONTD!)

Living doll Valeria Lukyanova is “amused” by your reactions to her face. (Yahoo!)

Stevie Nicks compares Twilight to Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre. (Huffington Post)

What I Like About You co-star  Wesley Jonathan tells Amanda Bynes to get a chauffeur. (TMZ)

Kellan Lutz goes to beach wearing clothes. Way too many clothes. (ohmyGAHH!)

Another traffic violation for Justin Bieber. New outlets blame Selena Gomez. (Entertainment Wise)

Lindsay Lohan loves being in love, still hasn’t found that one special unreliable lunatic. (Daily Mirror)

Kelly Osbourne Is Dating Alison Mosshart

Reformed “bad girl” Kelly Osbourne traded in her last boyfriend (who cheated on her with a pre-op transgender named Elle) for Matthew Mosshart.

If you’re at all familiar with the band The Kills, know that Matthew is lead singer Alison Mosshart’s brother and there is a strong resemblance.

In case the shorts and flowery kimono thing weren’t a big enough clue, they’re in Hawaii, for Jack Osbourne’s wedding.

Kelly also flaunted her bikini body, which is 50 pounds lighter because she eats cucumbers for breakfast.

In 2010 she told Shape that she’d “never worn a bikini” in her whole life.

Things change, but the Mossharts will always have long greasy hair.  Continue reading “Kelly Osbourne Is Dating Alison Mosshart”

Paparazzi Invade Selena Gomez’s Everything

When you look at photos of celebrities, you have to consider exactly how they were taken.

New pictures of perpetual babyface Selena Gomez lounging around in her bikini, picking her eye, practicing downward dog, and talking on the phone make me think of the cameraman’s location…

Continue reading “Paparazzi Invade Selena Gomez’s Everything”

Aggressive Momager Kris Jenner’s Bikini Body

Fierce grizzly bear guardian of the Calabasas Kardashian-Jenner klan Kris Jenner showed off her 56-year-old bikini body in the Australian celebrity news magazine New Idea.

Airbrushed or not, you have to admit, the lady looks pretty good and isn’t harboring spikes or scales underneath her flowing sarong, which is a bonus.

Madonna just turned 54 and despite her diet, yoga addiction and nightly lotion sleeping bag ritual I’d much rather switch bodies with Kris Jenner or Dana Delany (also 56), or 60-year-old Christine Baranski.

Sorry, just a short list of people who have less frightening bodies than Madonna.

I could go on and on but instead I’ll let you go back to feeling bad about hoping you look as good as the universal symbol of cougar-y attention whores when you’re older. She did have six children, it’s perfectly natural to be jealous.

‘Spring Breakers’ Was Designed To Make You Feel Old And Perverted

EVEN THOUGH the stars of Spring Breakers (Ashley Benson, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Rachel Korine) are portraying college kids and are not technically minors, you will feel like a dirty pedophile after simply viewing one promotional photo.

Imagine what will happen when you see the movie. You’ll get put on “the list.” You know, the one viewable by location on the Offender Locator app.  Continue reading “‘Spring Breakers’ Was Designed To Make You Feel Old And Perverted”

No Really, Britney Spears Looks Good!

How many times have we, the media, said “hey guys, Britney Spears is back in shape”?

I think this might only be the 80th time.

It has happened each time she’s gone back on tour since 2004’s meltdown. Also, when she started her job as a judge on X-Factor and every single time someone catches her in a bikini. Not to mention that Fantasy perfume Cleopatra thing.

I don’t think agreeing if Britney Spears is the most repulsive person alive or just another completely above-average person walking around in L.A is something we can do as a nation.

You have to accept that she never look like she did at the VMA’s with that snake draped over her shoulders. This recent photo from Facebook [insert “it’s Britney, beach” joke here] does seem to confirm the above average attractiveness bit. She asks: Continue reading “No Really, Britney Spears Looks Good!”

Here’s Something You’ve Never Seen Before…

Kim Kardashian in a bikini. I knew it was inevitable that’d she’d someday show us what she was hiding under the nun’s habit and the turtlenecks. I was expecting her to have werewolf thigh fur or a third baby leg jutting out from her hip.

Seriously though, I’m not sure why I’m posting this except to tell you that it’s an unphotoshopped picture of Kim (she posted it to Instagram on Wednesday) and that kind of thing can be fascinating…

But only to perverts and professional photographers, or perverted photographers, which exist in droves.

I met a girl who went to school with one of the founders of Instagram. I asked her if she wanted to kill herself after hearing that he was a millionaire. She said yes, without hesitation.

Parents Say Bikini Onesie For Babies ‘Gives People The Wrong Idea’

A father was asked his opinion by the news on this onesie that was made with 18-month-olds in mind and he replied that “it gives people the wrong idea too quickly.”

Yes, I’m sure the three-year old boys just go nuts over this. I mean, you wouldn’t want to send them the message that your two-foot-tall child is easy, would you?

This article of clothing is really made for the parents to laugh at. And since they’re laughing at their daughter (or son, even better) it is kind of inappropriate but not really “offensive…”

Not when you compare it to Toddlers & Tiaras and the fact that you can just buy your kid a real bikini, which are sold everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t buy them for my non-existent churrens but I think they’re manufactured for comfort and not to turn on pedos.  Continue reading “Parents Say Bikini Onesie For Babies ‘Gives People The Wrong Idea’”

Just In Case You Weren’t 100% Sure That Megan Fox Was Carrying David Silver’s Baby…

Several months ago, Brian Austin Green tossed a fastball covered in tadpoles into Jennifer’s Body. After not answering yes or no to curious reporters, Megan Fox‘s status a pregnant woman has been confirmed by visual proof.

She and Green visited Kona, Hawaii for their wedding anniversary and Fox was photographed in a bikini with little David Silver kissing her belly like it held the Khaleesi’s second son.

Speaking of second children, this is the Beverly Hills 90210 star’s second child. His first, 10-year-old Kassius, was conceived with ex-wife Vanessa Marcil.  Continue reading “Just In Case You Weren’t 100% Sure That Megan Fox Was Carrying David Silver’s Baby…”