Nick Jonas Shows Off Disney-Owned Nipples and Body Hair

nick jonas shirtlessLike every other average late 20-something American, I can’t tell the Jonas Brothers apart or name a single one of their songs. Kevin and Nick are especially tough because of the hair.

The shirtless one shown here is Nick (the one with diabetes), Kevin is the one with the reality show and Joe is the black swan Valderrama-looking motherfucker who dated a bunch of starlets.

Now that we’ve lost brain cells with the lesson, check out the super contrast-y body of that one guy who was really popular for a few years. Disney is a gateway drug to nudity.

I have yet to meet a Jonas Bro fan, but that’s probably because I have no desire to walk around grade schools with this picture saying “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?” …I’ve been to jail once and I really don’t want to go back unless I get a callback on #OITNB as Tricia’s sister.

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-14-12]

Judge Judy celebrates her 70th birthday traumatizing world and/or turning it on. (ONTD!)

Living doll Valeria Lukyanova is “amused” by your reactions to her face. (Yahoo!)

Stevie Nicks compares Twilight to Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre. (Huffington Post)

What I Like About You co-star  Wesley Jonathan tells Amanda Bynes to get a chauffeur. (TMZ)

Kellan Lutz goes to beach wearing clothes. Way too many clothes. (ohmyGAHH!)

Another traffic violation for Justin Bieber. New outlets blame Selena Gomez. (Entertainment Wise)

Lindsay Lohan loves being in love, still hasn’t found that one special unreliable lunatic. (Daily Mirror)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-12-12]

Britney Vogues like an Egyptian in new Fantasy Twist advertisement. (ohmyGAHH!)

Antivirus software creator John McAfee suspected of murder in Belize. (Gizmodo)

Justin and Jessica help with Hurricane Sandy relief. (Just Jared)

Lakers hire former Phoenix Suns coach Mike D’Antoni to replace Mike Brown. (Yahoo!)

Ashley Judd‘s fans really want her to run for senate in Kentucky. (Inquisitr)

People born before 1995 are not MTVs demographic anymore. So fuck you. (UPROXX)

Bieber hates Timberlake comparisons but breaks into “Cry Me A River” post-breakup? (Celebuzz)

Christina Hendricks Strongly Dislikes The Term ‘Full-Figured,’ Almost Walked Out Of Interview

Christina Hendricks is tired of being known only as “that lady from Mad Men with the curves.”

During an interview with Kate Waterhouse of the Sydney Sun Herald, Hendricks seemed flabbergasted when the term “full-figured” was used to describe her body.

“You have been an inspiration as a full-figured woman. What is the most inspiring story that you can remember where you’ve inspired someone?” Waterhouse asked.

Hendricks laughs awkwardly and says “I don’t know” then turns away as Waterhouse attempted to rephrase her question but the rephrase is only greeted with a stern “I mean, you’ve just said it again.”  Continue reading “Christina Hendricks Strongly Dislikes The Term ‘Full-Figured,’ Almost Walked Out Of Interview”

Lady Gaga Gained A Bit Of Weight, But Shhh, I’m Not Supposed To Talk About It

Recently, a nutritionist who never met or treated Lady Gaga, told Radar Online that she gained “at least 30 pounds.”

The initial media response was to report about the potential weight gain, because they noticed that she had indeed gained a little bit of weight, though I doubt it’s actually 30 pounds. A mere twelve pounds can look like a lot on someone her height, just ask Snooki, or Christina Aguilera.

The second response from softer outlets, was to defend Gaga, which I also understand.

“But what’s piling on is the bullshit: Body scrutiny like this is cruel and pointless,” Jezebel’s Dodai Stewart wrote in a piece entitled “Shut The Fuck Up About Lady Gaga’s Weight.”  Continue reading “Lady Gaga Gained A Bit Of Weight, But Shhh, I’m Not Supposed To Talk About It”

Aggressive Momager Kris Jenner’s Bikini Body

Fierce grizzly bear guardian of the Calabasas Kardashian-Jenner klan Kris Jenner showed off her 56-year-old bikini body in the Australian celebrity news magazine New Idea.

Airbrushed or not, you have to admit, the lady looks pretty good and isn’t harboring spikes or scales underneath her flowing sarong, which is a bonus.

Madonna just turned 54 and despite her diet, yoga addiction and nightly lotion sleeping bag ritual I’d much rather switch bodies with Kris Jenner or Dana Delany (also 56), or 60-year-old Christine Baranski.

Sorry, just a short list of people who have less frightening bodies than Madonna.

I could go on and on but instead I’ll let you go back to feeling bad about hoping you look as good as the universal symbol of cougar-y attention whores when you’re older. She did have six children, it’s perfectly natural to be jealous.

Christina Aguilera: Pregnant Or Sausage? (Moves Like Jäger)

When I say “pregnant or sausage” I don’t mean is she pregnant or does she have a penis, I mean is it just her natural sausage physique. You know, where the body morphs and is all one shape and size right down the middle. No hips no boobs, just one conglomerate, like melted taco cheese.

After her performance at the American Music Awards people noticed that Christina Aguilera looked pregnant, but she’s not, and why are people just now noticing this? She looked like that on The Voice and when she flubbed the national anthem at The Super Bowl for god’s sakes and before.

Continue reading “Christina Aguilera: Pregnant Or Sausage? (Moves Like Jäger)”

The Human Head Weighs 8 Pounds, And So Do Jonathan Lipnicki’s Abs

That adorable little nerd from Jerry Maguire is looming past his 15 minutes of fame, how is he doing it? By revealing half-naked pictures of himself, of course. He may be 21 but I still see him as a grinning blonde six year-old, hanging off Tom Cruise and Renée Zellweger, not a chin-up bar.

Alas I cannot freeze time and refuse children the right to grow up. And Jonathan Lipnicki has grown up, he’s transformed into a tiny, less-accomplished version of Ryan Reynolds. On his exercise regime, he told Us Weekly,

“The more results I saw, the more dedicated I became, it is such a great feeling to see your hard work pay off. I mean, if I’m gonna skip the In-N-Out burgers, there better be light at the end of the tunnel!…I work free-weights and do circuit training with my trainer 4-5 times a week, I also train in Brazilian Ju Jitsu several times a week.”

Continue reading “The Human Head Weighs 8 Pounds, And So Do Jonathan Lipnicki’s Abs”

Pattinsquatch Intimidated By Taylor Llamautner’s Bod

Elusive english Sasquatch Robert Pattinson revealed to the Latin magazine 15a20 that he was insecure about his sex scene with Kristen Stewart because of how hard Taylor Lautner (Llamautner) works out for his slutty werewolf role…

Continue reading “Pattinsquatch Intimidated By Taylor Llamautner’s Bod”

Octomom’s Octobelly

Nadya Suleman, better known as the “octomom,” the one I really shouldn’t even be talking about due to the fact that she seems to revel in publicity, but these pictures can not go undiscussed or unseen. Well, they easily could, but I’m sick and I like to torture people…

Ms. Suleman is the proud mother of 14 children overall, so in all honesty this isn’t the worst thing I could imagine. Evil Beet mentioned it looking like Voldemort’s face (slit nose) and not only do I agree but I have a message for all potential mothers out there…

EVEN IF YOU ARE SKINNY, YOUR BODY IS GOING TO GET FUCKED THE FUCK UP.

Continue reading “Octomom’s Octobelly”

Keep Your Shirt On, Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts, 43, went for a beachside romp yesterday in Hawaii with Danny Moder (her husband) and their three children. I know she’s only relaxing and taking a day off, not at a photo shoot, but I gotta say, Julia, you look much much better with your shirt on.

Like  as in good! The shirt is good, I’d be like, “Julia Roberts is a cougar,” but then shirt off I’m like “Ohhh nooo, she’s as floppy as Larry Crowne was at the box office.”