Bruce Jenner Looks So Much Better As A Woman Than As A Man

call me caitlyn coverCaitlyn Jenner subtly clarified in her Vanity Fair article that she is a super separate entity from her stepdaughters Kim, Khloe and Kourtney, but she sure does publicity like a Kardashian.

No more speculation. Even the former Bruce Jenner’s excessive use of plastic surgery makes more sense now. The beauty standard bar has been set especially high in his family, but it also had a lot to do with him hating the masculine features that made him a sex symbol in the ’70s.

“Underneath my suit I have a bra and panty hose and this and that and thinking to myself, ‘They know nothing about me,'” Jenner said in her eye-opening VF interview. “Little did they know I was totally empty inside.”  Continue reading “Bruce Jenner Looks So Much Better As A Woman Than As A Man”

Is Bruce Jenner Actually Becoming a Woman?

Bruce Jenner transitionAfter reading countless gossip articles telling us basically that the Jenner/Kardashian patriarch Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman all because he likes to wear his hair in a ponytail, I decided the “news” was probably nonsense, but finally, after seeing him with, as the Washington Post points out, long highlighted hair, a French manicure, diamond earrings and lip gloss and his own stepdaughter Kim Kardashian confirming that he’s filming a docuseries about his “journey,” it seems that yes, Bruce Jenner is actually becoming a woman.

An Us Weekly source alleges that Bruce has wanted to transition from male to female, or at least enjoyed wearing women’s clothing, since his Olympic golden days.  Continue reading “Is Bruce Jenner Actually Becoming a Woman?”

Bruce Jenner is Considering Shaving off his Adam’s Apple

bruce jenner wants to be a womanThat spicy vampire who spends his few allotted hours off the Kardashian leash constructing toy helicopters and giving motivational speeches insists he isn’t becoming a woman despite rocking a ponytail and contemplating a Laryngeal Shave following his separation announcement from Kris Jenner.

When TMZ caught wind of a rumor that the elder lesbianic Jenner was considering getting his Adam’s Apple sawed off, Bruce confirmed the tale but specified that he is NOT undergoing getting gender reassignment. His exact words: “I just never liked my trachea.”

If he’s not becoming a woman I don’t want to be one anymore. Everyone show solidarity and support by mailing Bruce one high heel and one tube of Ruby Woo lipstick.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated

Kris Jenner Bruce JennerAfter years and years of speculation, rumors, and separate coffins living situations, Kris and Bruce Jenner confirmed to E! that they are no longer romantically involved.

The wording, however, leaves many questions to be answered.

Like, are they getting a divorce any time soon? What’s the point, and were her ladybits more like a carnivorous plant gnawing on him slowly or did they clamp down suddenly, like the twisted rusty bear trap from Saw? 

Bruce and Kris Jenner have separated after 22 years of marriage.

“We are living separately and we are much happier this way,” the pair exclusively tell E! News.

“But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”

He lives in Malibu, she’s in Hidden Hills, the kids are all over the place, no one’s really at a loss except for Vampira’s future lover/client/plant waterer/dog poo scooper.  Continue reading “THIS IS NOT A DRILL: Bruce and Kris Jenner are Separated”

Bruce Jenner Suffering From Skin Cancer ‘For Several Years’

Bruce Jenner nose cancerThe lone elder pole vaulting penis of the Kardashian Kamp was not punched in the face by Kris Jenner for failing to put his toy helicopters away after all…

After being photographed out and about with a bandaged face, Bruce Jenner confirms to E! News that he has undergone surgery to remove cancerous tissue from his nose, thus urging us all to protect our non-Armenian skin with handfuls of sunscreen and to steal wide-rimmed golf hats from that special old man in your life. (Be it a sugar daddy, grandfather, or clueless neighbor.)

“I was diagnosed with…Basal cell carcinoma and have undergone Mohs surgery to remove it,” 63-year-old Jenner tells the site. “I have been struggling with this for several years and appreciate all of the support and prayers while I continue to fight the battle against skin cancer.”  Continue reading “Bruce Jenner Suffering From Skin Cancer ‘For Several Years’”

Bruce Jenner’s Clone Found On ‘True Blood’

I had the good fortune to notice that Bruce Jenner‘s lookalike was in season five, episode two of True Blood (“Authority Always Wins”). Bruce Jenner, if Kris Jenner finally decided to pour gasoline on him and toss him atop her $5,000 stove.

The vampire in question is a former nurse practitioner who was jailed by the fanged mainstreamers led by Roman Zimojic (Christopher Meloni) for eating babies, instead of delivering them.  Continue reading “Bruce Jenner’s Clone Found On ‘True Blood’”

Kardashians Cover Biggie’s ‘Hypnotize’

One of the most shocking moments in my young life came in the form of a harmless walk in the woods behind my house. I had taken to lifting rocks in the hopes of examining interesting bugs, usually ants or the occasional red centipede.

On this comfortably cool summer day on the Oregon Coast I lifted a particularly large rock and discovered a nest of baby snakes. They startled me mostly because there were so many and they moved so quick and pointlessly.

When I see the Kardashian-Jenner family I am reminded of that day. This is a group of creatures that never stop working, but for what cause I do not know.  Continue reading “Kardashians Cover Biggie’s ‘Hypnotize’”

Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics

These two doofs (Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries) got married yesterday! And E! has released a video of footage from the joyous event.

Kim wore a strapless Vera Wang dress and Kris wore a giant Farrakhan bowtie and honestly I dunno what kind of suit, I have the fashion sense of a Madagascar hissing cockroach.

It was a very very white wedding, for someone who, ahem, used to not be so into white things. Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Wedding Pics”