Justin Bieber Hitches Ride up the Great Wall on Bodyguard’s Shoulders

Justin Bieber great wallJustin Bieber can’t really be bothered to wear a shirt, pull up his pants, go the speed limit or walk up The Great Wall of China without help from his security team. In recent photos posted to Instagram, the 19-year-old turd that was never flushed was shown riding up the famous stairs in Beijing on two of his bodyguard’s shoulders. The positioning of his hands suggest that he is either masturbating or checking his phone, because his privilege equals my suffering.

Not that he wouldn’t be a twat without the fame, but at least he wouldn’t have the option to NOT walk up the Great Wall. He’d still be on YouTube smashing his vagina into a drum stool. Continue reading “Justin Bieber Hitches Ride up the Great Wall on Bodyguard’s Shoulders”

Chinese Man Grows Nose on Forehead

nose head guy Ermagerd, a doctor in China surgically grew a new nose on the forehead of a 22-year-old man whose original nose became infected after a car accident. The procedure took place in the Southeastern Fujian province, and is said to be the first of its kind.

So what did you do today? Oh, that’s nice, but while you were grocery shopping or twerking on dwarves to “Thrift Shop,” OTHERS were growing noses on their foreheads, you know, being medical marvels.

I’d like to note that one American doctor who commented on the surgery said the cartilage is currently in its most sensitive state and may fall apart at any moment.  Continue reading “Chinese Man Grows Nose on Forehead”

Sign My Fake Petition To Send David Beckham to China

David Beckham China jerseyThe Mirror is reporting a story about David Beckham throwing his cleats, soccer balls and four kids into a bag and moving overseas to play for a Chinese Super League team.

Sadly, there is a 99% chance that this story is false (a line on a map from London to Shanghai is not exactly solid evidence).

“It was sheer rumour,” an insider told the South China Morning Post. “Shenhua has no financial strength to sign another superstar.”

I wanted David to go play with former Chelsea strikers Nicolas Anelka and Didier Drogba in China. The further him and his freaky fembot wife with the “sing and wave” button are from here, the better.

Continue reading “Sign My Fake Petition To Send David Beckham to China”

John Xenu Travolta Heals Broken Bones With Magic Scientology ‘Assist’

John Travolta angelJohn Travolta tells Celebrity Magazine that he helped a man in China who had broken his ankle in a car crash. Here’s where it gets interesting. Travolta performed an “assist” to speed up the healing process.

It involves Scientology, giving another man a rubdown AND it’s like that movie Michael. You know, the one where he’s an unconventional angel who brings dogs back to life?

“I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the Master of Ceremonies’ best friend had recently gotten into a car wreck. He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain,” he revealed in an article brought to light by Celebuzz called “John Travolta: Stayin’ Very Alive.”  Continue reading “John Xenu Travolta Heals Broken Bones With Magic Scientology ‘Assist’”

Spider Lives Inside Woman’s Ear For Nearly A Week

A Chinese woman visited the hospital to investigate the cause of itchiness in her ear only to have the doctor tell her that a spider had booked five days at the waxy Hilton suite otherwise known as her ear canal.

A Reddit user posted an x-ray of the nightmare from a news program in the Hunan province.

Many saw the picture and decided to share their own insect horror stories.

I generally have a strong stomach but this is a bit out of my comfort zone.

I was basically given arachnophobia by my own family after they repeatedly made me carry up piles of dry wood from below our house. Each piece held several wonderfully eight-eyed black and brown surprises, and they often fell onto my skin. Thanks, mom.  Continue reading “Spider Lives Inside Woman’s Ear For Nearly A Week”

Freaky Donut Enthusiasts Unite!

I dunno why people have their Victoria’s Secret in a wad over Chinese Dunkin’ Donuts selling pork and seaweed donuts. I’d eat three in one heartbeat. Hell, I’d eat six in two heartbeats if blood would continue to flow through my veins after consuming so much weird fat.

The chain will soon make these unique treats available in China to ‘appeal to local palates.’

They’re expanding (100 stores over the next two years) and enlisting the help of none other than LeBron James, in a multiyear deal that is reportedly worth millions. Chief Executive Officer Nigel Travis told Reuters,

Continue reading “Freaky Donut Enthusiasts Unite!”

Eel ‘Disappears’ Into Asian Man’s Penis

A man in China, Vain Zhang Nan, 56, got more than he bargained for while receiving a spa treatment where he was bathing with eels.

The technique is meant to remove dead skin and rejuvenate the body, making you look younger naturally.

Zhang was faced with a harsh reality when one of the 6 inch long eels swam up into his penis/urethra and got stuck there.

He describes,

“I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis…”

Continue reading “Eel ‘Disappears’ Into Asian Man’s Penis”