Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas

chris brown lizianeHere’s what I know about the Chris Brown Vegas assault charges… A star-fucking groupie said Brown punched her in the melon during a concert. Brown called the star-fucking groupie “dusty” and said “I don’t know this old-looking bitch.”

Did he actually attack ye old bitchLiziane Gutierrez? Yes, totally.

There isn’t a single woman Chris Brown comes into contact with that doesn’t get hit. Sometimes it’s figurative, but it happens. Do I have love for star fuckers? No, but I have a lot less love for the man who made Rihanna look like a chump. It’s his fault ‘Anti’ still hasn’t been released AND that it’s cold in winter and that I’m broke, and also, he killed Natalie Cole, but not a lot of people know that, so shhh.  Continue reading “Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas”

Video: Nicki Minaj – “Only”

While you’re waiting for Nicki Minaj‘s third full-length album The Pinkprint (tomorrow), here’s a video of Nicki bouncing around in business casual attire with Drake professing his love for cellulite-laden ass dimples and Chris Brown in his most believable performance ever as a rapey-eyed devil. Produced by alleged Ke$ha and Lady Gaga rapist Dr. Luke.
  

Chris Brown Sentenced to Jail Time That he Won’t Really Have to Serve

Chris Brown court 2014Le sigh. All-around sh*tty human being Chris Brown was just sentenced to 131 days, but due to overcrowding and confusing legal logistics, his lawyer thinks he’ll be out by Monday.

Brown pleaded guilty to violating his probation to speed up the process of being a free man who will most definitely continue to assault men and women and basically all living things.

He seems like the type to pull the wings off butterflies and dropkick newborn pandas, but judges and juries can’t be bothered with such things. Judges and juries care about what kind of sandwiches they’ll be able to eat on break and getting off work ASAP so they can go home and fall asleep to Dog the Bounty Hunter marathons. Via CNN:

“I would expect that Chris should be out of jail before the weekend’s up or before Monday,” Geragos said after the hearing. “If he isn’t out by Monday, then I would expect he’s getting special treatment. He’s got over 230 days credit on a 365 and generally the sheriff is releasing on a lot less than that.”

Brown’s probation for the 2009 beating of ex-girlfriend Rihanna was revoked after his arrest in connection to a misdemeanor assault charge out of Washington

Dream-shatterers! My vision of him being taken from behind by a man with a hairy back isn’t being realized. I haven’t felt this empty since grocery stores stopped carrying New York Seltzer and Orange Slice…

Chris Brown Headed To Rehab… For Anger

chris brown in court d.c.After having his felony assault charges against a D.C. man reduced to a misdemeanor, Chris Brown has checked into a rehab center in Malibu to help get his temper under control.

Did I say to get his temper under control? I meant to make people think he’s an imperfect person who can improve after a little counseling and yoga under palm trees.

Great publicity move, but anyone with a fraction of a brain cell knows that Chris Brown isn’t a circumstantial dickhead, he’s a no-hope toolshed full of dildos who miraculously avoids jail time by blinding people with his sh*tty imitation Usher bull honky.  Continue reading “Chris Brown Headed To Rehab… For Anger”

Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.

Chris Brown monkeyChris Brown was arrested and jailed this morning for assaulting a man outside of the W Hotel in downtown D.C.

There’s a bit of a he said/he said situation going on, but the altercation either started because the victim photobombed Brown while he was posing with two female fans, OR Brown broke the man’s nose after he tried to jump on his tour bus.

Chris, who is still on probation for beating Rihanna senseless, faces up to 4 years in prison. From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources and the alleged victim tell TMZ … before striking the man, Chris said, “I’m not into this gay s**t, I’m into boxing.  After Chris punched the man, the fight was taken to the ground.

Funny how he’s constantly yammering on about how everyone needs to get over the past and forget about the time he lost his temper and beat up an internationally loved pop star. That he’s “not that guy” and blah blah blah. Cross your fingers for sodomy.  Continue reading “Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.”

Chris Brown Lost His Virginity in Grade School

Chris brown shirtless the guardianDuring a chat with The Guardian, Chris Brown reveals that he had his cherry popped by an “older woman” when he was just 8-years-old. He says this type of thing is accepted in the country, specifically his podunk population-2,000 town of Tappahannock, Virginia.

He lost his virginity when he was eight years old, to a local girl who was 14 or 15. Seriously? “Yeah, really. Uh-huh.” He grins and chuckles. “It’s different in the country.” Brown grew up with a great gang of boy cousins, and they watched so much porn that he was raring to go. “By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I’m saying? Like, girls, we weren’t afraid to talk to them; I wasn’t afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it.”

He later refuses to reveal exactly how many women he’s slept with, but does make sure to tell us that “they can’t really complain” [because he’ll beat them if they do].  Continue reading “Chris Brown Lost His Virginity in Grade School”

Frank Ocean Lays the Lyrical Smack Down on Chris Brown

Slightly tired of people writing songs about Chris Brown being an asshole instead of hitting him so hard that his teeth and tattoos fall off, but I guess Frank Ocean’s remix of “Versace” by Migos will have to do.

You all remember when Chris got into Frank’s face over a parking spot then Frank won a Grammy and Chris didn’t stand up because he was lime green jello?

I mean, I can’t hate on Ocean for turning at Taylor Swift Ln and Adele Pkwy because the line “I’m not Liberace/you could stay seated I’m taking that Grammy/your music is sloppy” is just too good and venting frustrations through art is mature high road-taking behavior or whatever.

In other lyrically damning news, Ms. Lana Del Rey, queen of Summertime Sadness and flower crowns, apparently wrote a song saying that Lady Gaga was booed off stages before selling twenty million records because she sounds like a man and can’t sing a lick.  Continue reading “Frank Ocean Lays the Lyrical Smack Down on Chris Brown”

Paula Deen is Martin Luther Rosa King Parks Compared to Mel Gibson and Others

Paula Deen black friendPaula Deen is not only being fired from the Food Network, but also having her products “phased out” by Sears, Home Depot, QVC, Kmart and Walgreens for admitting that she has used the N-word in the past has me thinking about related celebrity scandals.

For instance, how bad is this when compared to comedians like Michael Richards using the N-word multiple times in a recorded stand-up show or Daniel Tosh making rape jokes at a heckler’s expense?

Then there’s Grey’s Anatomy star Isaiah Washington, perhaps the most similar to Paula Deen because the questionable word he was said to have uttered wasn’t caught on camera until he stupidly told a Golden Globes press room “No, I did not call T.R. [Knight, his Grey’s co-star] a f*ggot.”  Continue reading “Paula Deen is Martin Luther Rosa King Parks Compared to Mel Gibson and Others”

Rihanna on Amanda Bynes: ‘See What Happens When They Cancel Intervention’

Amanda Bynes and RihannaAmanda Bynes knows this has been a slow Memorial Day news Weekend and is stepping it up for the trainwreck-loving voyeurs. Following an arrest for tossing a lovely multi chamber glass “vase” out the window and claiming a cop “slapped” her vagina, appearance-obsessed Bynes decided to attack Rihanna on Twitter.

“@Rihanna you look so ugly tryin to be white,” she wrote, and deleted. Ten minutes later, she represented Team ignoramus Breezy with a “Chris Brown beat you because you’re not pretty enough,” adding that she almost named her new dog Rihanna.

We can only assume that the cheery-chipmunk-turned-amateur-porn-star with no movies and plenty of electroshock therapy in her future is jealous of Rihanna’s past relationship with Drake.  Continue reading “Rihanna on Amanda Bynes: ‘See What Happens When They Cancel Intervention’”

Chris Brown Says Rihanna Is Too Young For Him

Chris Brown is a douche and a halfChris Brown told The Kyle and Jackie O radio show in Australia that him and Rihanna are not dating at this current moment in time. Speaking of time, he explained that one of the reasons they don’t work as a couple has to do with age.

Brown, one year YOUNGER than Rihanna, 25, said this:

At the end of the day, she’s a young girl. I can’t really be focused on wifing someone that young.

Another more sensical reason cited was her work schedule. Something about being “The best Chris Brown I can be.” (That would be him not making music in a padded room, yes?)

Yeah, I’mma do it solo. I mean at the end of the day, shawty doing her own thang. She on the road.

Chris Brown is a Self-Proclaimed ‘Great Artist,’ Along With ‘Baby Elvis’ Justin Bieber

Chris Brown Justin Bieber instagramWonderful role model-friend Chris Brown spoke out about Justin Bieber’s recent issues with loud parties, car accidents, tardiness and drug use in a radio interview with Power 105.1.

Chris says he just needs somebody close to him to say “Hey bro, you look whack right now:”

I pray for him, I pray for myself. I think we’re both great artists… he’s like a baby Elvis.

Yuck. I much preferred when Brown called his own music “gimmicky” on the red carpet at the Grammys, because that’s the only time I will ever agree with him.

The toot-your-own-horn-’til-your-lungs-die and “stay positive” method isn’t working for Brown or Bieber, so maybe it’s time to worship at the altar of humility? (Retirement preferable.)  Continue reading “Chris Brown is a Self-Proclaimed ‘Great Artist,’ Along With ‘Baby Elvis’ Justin Bieber”

Your Easter Prayers Have Not Been Answered: Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Still Together

Chris Brown Rihanna instagram togetherMy day was made and unmade in a matter of hours. Upon waking, I heard a wonderful rumor from the radio station Power 106, who reportedly Tweeted that Chris Brown and Rihanna had broken up.

I was already making plans to paint his face on a dozen eggs, which I would then set on the sidewalk and crush with my feet and possibly a sledgehammer. By breakfast, I unrealized this dream when I read that Chris had favorited a Tweet from a woman who said the comments he made to Big Boy on air were as old as the dirt on Jesus’s abs.

“@chrisbrown and @rihanna are still together… that video was from like forever long ago.. their still getting married. sadly,” Lissette Ortiz wrote.  Continue reading “Your Easter Prayers Have Not Been Answered: Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Still Together”

I bet she gets killed at the end…

Rihanna Law and orderIn a story that’s only a couple years late (it happened in 2009), Law and Order: SVU is looking to capitalize on the Chris Brown’s Grammy night assault of then (and now current?) girlfriend Rihanna. Here’s the episode summary:

A promising singer is brutally attacked by her boyfriend, a popular hip hop star. ADA Barba (guest star Raul Esparza) works to build a case, but the victim refuses to aid the prosecution and, despite Detective Benson’s (Mariska Hargitay) best efforts, continues to put herself in danger. The case quickly spirals into a media circus, perpetrated by both the defendant and his uncompromising attorney (guest star Jeffrey Tambor).  Continue reading “I bet she gets killed at the end…”

Chris Brown ‘More Violent’ Than Oscar Pistorius!??

Chris Brown/Oscar PistoriusWoman-beater Chris Brown was deemed “more violent” than woman-murderer Oscar Pistorius in a recent poll by on TMZ.

A shocking 55% of readers came to this conclusion after being asked a variety of basic questions about Pistorius involving fairness in the trial and his temperament.

So assuming Pistorius, now out on bail, did intentionally shoot his girlfriend (85% think so), we’re saying domestic violence somehow trumps murder? Is it because it’s “easier” and somehow less brutal, at least in our minds, to shoot someone through a door? Would post-mortem photos of Reeva Steenkamp with a bashed-in skull change their minds?  Continue reading “Chris Brown ‘More Violent’ Than Oscar Pistorius!??”

‘Fan’ Takes Chris Brown-Related Anger Out on Rihanna’s Knee

Rihanna bloody kneeOne second Rihanna‘s living Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own” in the corner of an L.A. nightclub opposite Chris Brown, the next she’s in London dodging bottles.

Rihanna scraped up her knee on a metal grate after partying it up with socialite model/Rita Ora bestie Cara Delvingn at a place called The Box. Eyewitnesses say a fan of unspecified gender threw an energy drink at her and scolded her for dating Chris Brown.

In a surprising twist, Rihanna went on a date with the fan the next day, then went on Good Morning America to talk about how wrong it was to forgive him/her, stayed away for a few years, then said ‘f*ck the people who care about me haters’ and went back to the verbally abusive bottle-tosser.  Continue reading “‘Fan’ Takes Chris Brown-Related Anger Out on Rihanna’s Knee”

Celeb-By-Celeb Breakdown of the 2013 Grammys

jennifer lopez grammy leg
The Grammys are boring, but you and I, we can pretend they’re not by focusing less on the gaudy “rock” and country music and more on the scandals, bad outfits and cleavage.

These are the most headline-worthy celebrities at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards

1. Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo joked onstage that she couldn’t give a cougarf*cking Casper Smart about CBS’s prude dress code memo, delivering a big f-you in the form of a giant, puffy genital-exposing gam.  Continue reading “Celeb-By-Celeb Breakdown of the 2013 Grammys”

Chris Brown Uninjured and Unarrested After Crashing Into a Wall

Chris Brown crash 2013From the Frank Ocean fight to the speeding ticket to not doing his community service, these past few weeks have been amazing for everyone but Chris Brown and delusional Team Breezy.

Yesterday, according to the police and the paparazzi, Chris crashed into a wall completely of his own accord (or Porsche) on his way to a children’s dance competition.

Brown, whose body faired better than his car, claims he was chased into the wall by the paps (if that’s true, I’m sending them all flowers).

My problem is this – it’s the night of the Grammys and he still hasn’t been arrested or severely hurt. It seems everything he’s been up to is leading to that. Still, no Chris behind bars. No Big Bubba sodomy. Thanks a lot, universe.