How Will Gwen Stefani Match up Against Other ‘Voice’ Judges?

I’ve been watching a lot of Gwen Stefani interviews today to see what exact kind of personality we’re looking at, and so far I’ve learned that she stays in touch with Madonna, once wanted a pet monkey and continues to describe her husband as “hot” years after their wedding.

Like former female The Voice coaches Shakira and Christina Aguilera, Stefani is a super proud blond giver of birth who calls motherhood “the best thing that’s ever happened” in her life.

She’s adorably Californian, knows she’s fabulous, and will likely vibe well with fellow blond beauty/sourpuss Adam Levine and new token-black-guy-judge Pharrell (who is half to blame for the spelling lesson in “Hollaback Girl”). Go ahead and put on an EVEN bigger hat, you’ll still never be Cee Lo.  Continue reading “How Will Gwen Stefani Match up Against Other ‘Voice’ Judges?”

Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera Finally Met

Lady Gaga The Voice ChristinaOn yesterday’s finale of The Voice (spoiler: the Jamaican lady won!), Christina Aguilera joined Lady Gaga onstage for a special performance of “Do What U Want.”

Christina sexy chola danced across the stage while Gaga convulsed like an electrocuted cockroach.

It was as if Dracula broke into Liberace’s closet, put on a wig and seduced Bride of Frankenstein.

Towards the end, Dracula (Gaga) and BOF (Christina) hold hands and prance towards a chaise lounge where they share an intimate date involving rose petals, champagne and the half-assed version of motorboating a chest-to-face hug.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera Finally Met”

Christina Turns Her Chair For Season 5 of ‘The Voice’

Christina Aguilera armsChristina Aguilera is bringing her particular brand of sass and insanity back to the fifth season of The Voice this September.

She just signed a $12.5 million contract to return to the red “I Want You” chair that Shakira’s been keeping warm for her.

I happened to see the studio where The Voice is filmed when I traveled via wheelbarrow to California. It’s an unremarkable black square with no windows in The Valley (where it’s already hotter than the toilets at the U.S. Championship Cheese Contest).

That’s why Christina’s always fanning her escape artist tatas and why Robin Thicke looked like melted Dippin’ Dots on last week’s episode.

Speaking of tatas, I really wish Shakira and Christina could be on the show at the same time. Usher can dance off the edge of the earth that he probably believes is flat for all I care.  Continue reading “Christina Turns Her Chair For Season 5 of ‘The Voice’”

Time Magazine’s ‘Most Influential’ List Includes Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Jong-un, Jay-Z, The Obamas and CHRISTINA AGUILERA??

Jay Z time magazine coverJennifer Lawrence time magazine cover
Time’s “100 Most Influential” list of 2013, with seven covers featuring Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence, tennis star Li Na, PayPal co-founder Elon Musk, Pakistani women’s activist Malala Yousafzai, Republican senator Rand Paul (son of Ron), Jay-Z and Bollywood actor/producer Aamir Khan.

Within the magazine, we see profiles written by fellow trailblazers like Jodie Foster and Oprah Winfrey, divided into artist, leader, pioneer, titan and icon categories.

Right smack dab in the “artists” section sandwiched between Frank Ocean, Bryan Cranston and Steven Spielberg is Christina Aguilera, which I find odd, taking the non-success of her last two albums (Bionic and Lotus), her hiatus from The Voice, and the fact that she’s a goddamn mess into account.  Continue reading “Time Magazine’s ‘Most Influential’ List Includes Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Jong-un, Jay-Z, The Obamas and CHRISTINA AGUILERA??”

Christina Aguilera Says The Haterade-Drinkin’ Bloggers Are From ‘Buttfuck, Wherever’

During a film and TV conference, Christina Aguilera made a biting comment about the internet’s opinion of her.

“Now everyone is a critic. I don’t read blogs. It’s just God-knows-who in Buttfuck, wherever writing hate shit,” Aguilera said. “You can’t take it seriously. I’m sure you’ve all been hated on at some point by buttfuck people.”

Now this is a Christina I can get on board with. Swearing up a storm, connecting favorite adult swears (“fuck”) with words that make children laugh (“butt”) and throwing a “shit” in for good measure.  Continue reading “Christina Aguilera Says The Haterade-Drinkin’ Bloggers Are From ‘Buttfuck, Wherever’”

Fat Lady Dating Website Offering Christina Aguilera $3M Spokeswoman Contract

Whitney Thompson, Winner of America’s Next Top Model cycle 10 and founder of The Big And The Beautiful, is offering $3 million dollars to sexy sausage Christina Aguilera.

Thompson hopes that Aguilera will be the face of the dating website targeted at “men and women of all shapes and sizes.”

Here’s a snippet from the site:

The Big And The Beautiful is the fastest growing relationship service on the Internet for sexy men and women of all shapes and sizes. On our dating site women no longer need to fear the word “fat.”

Continue reading “Fat Lady Dating Website Offering Christina Aguilera $3M Spokeswoman Contract”

The Wanted’s Tom Parker Is Still Talking About Bitchy Christina Aguilera

Tom Parker, the squirrely, Josh Hutcherson-looking member of The Wanted, called Christina Aguilera a “total bitch” after performing “Chasing The Sun” on The Voice.

In June, he rubbed a photo of her on his butt and crotch at a New York radio station and said,

“She might not be a bitch in real life, but to us, she was a total bitch, she just sat there and didn’t speak to us. Wouldn’t even look at us.”

Later Parker told TMZ “We apologize for the comment,” after mentioning that the other judges were “nice” and Christina was lazy and lacked manners.  Continue reading “The Wanted’s Tom Parker Is Still Talking About Bitchy Christina Aguilera”

Christina Aguilera Makes Solid Case For Weight Gain In Imaginary Comments

Comments thought to be made by Christina Aguilera to Billboard magazine about her weight gain in 2002 during her Stripped tour with Justin Timberlake turned out to be false, according to her rep.

Disappointing because I legitimately thought for a second that she’d made some really great points and illustrated a non-hypocritical message. The quotes, which may have originated on Tumblr, referred to a frantic meeting her label had to discuss her new look.

“During the promotion of my album Stripped, I got tired of being a skinny, white girl, I am Ecuadorian but people felt so safe passing me off as a skinny, blue-eyed white girl,” she said in the excellently crafted fake interview.

“The next time my label saw me, I was heavier, darker and full of piercings! Let me tell you, that wasn’t an easy pill for them to swallow. I had gained about 15 pounds during promotion.”  Continue reading “Christina Aguilera Makes Solid Case For Weight Gain In Imaginary Comments”

Christina Aguilera Turns Technicolored Tricks in New “Your Body” Video

I gotta say, X-tina looks good in the new vid. She hid the weight Oprah-style with face contour, dishonest lighting, and triple-layer Spanx.

The opening “No men were harmed” warning label shows she maintained her consistentfeminist” music video theme: Dominance over men while dressed as RuPaul as possible. This video is no exception.

First we see Christina the hitchhiker. To be honest, I don’t know many men who would make out with a roadside stranger who is wearing THAT MANY ACCESSORIES AND NO PANTS. It just doesn’t make sense, it can only end in pink fumes.  Continue reading “Christina Aguilera Turns Technicolored Tricks in New “Your Body” Video”

Shakira And Usher Replace Christina Aguilera And Cee Lo For Season Four Of ‘The Voice’

Did you hear that? It’s the sound of me crapping my she-wolf pants. Shakira is temporarily replacing Christina Aguilera as a judge on next season of The Voice, with Usher sitting in Cee Lo’s seat.

HOWEVER, Aguilera and Cee Lo will return for season five (Blake and Adam are staying), as they are simply on a hiatus to work on new music.  Continue reading “Shakira And Usher Replace Christina Aguilera And Cee Lo For Season Four Of ‘The Voice’”

Who Has What It Takes To Win ‘The Voice?’

I became obsessed with The Voice last season, when the show was in its beta phase. When they didn’t anticipate enough rejections in the blind auditions, and cast members had to re-audition to fill spots.

The show is still flawed, battle rounds pit too good of foes against one another, causing people who might have won to go home early. Angie Johnson versus recently axed Cheesa was one of those times.

Continue reading “Who Has What It Takes To Win ‘The Voice?’”

Alright Voice Judges, Time To Change Your Clothes

You may or may not have noticed that this, but for the third battle round in a row, the judges on The Voice haven’t bothered to change their clothes.

This is actually because these two-hour episodes were filmed all at one time.

The dummies at NBC didn’t bother to tell Christina Aguilera to take off her shrunken Liza Minnelli hat to at least allude to it being a different day.

I’m tired of Adam Levine in his oversized brown J-Crew abomination that looks it’s from the closet of some rustic cabin in Colorado. And Cee Lo, in a specially-made letterman jacket for Big & Tall dwarfs.

Continue reading “Alright Voice Judges, Time To Change Your Clothes”

Adam Levine’s New Cologne + Christina’s Booming Laughter

These days, it’s bizarre when a celebrity DOESN’T have a scent. Now Adam Levine of The Voice/Maroon 5 is launching a fragrance called “222,” which is already the name of his clothing/instrument/whatever line.

I always wonder what these things are going to smell like, but then I remember that they all smell the same. I mean, Britney Spears’ Fantasy was pure sugar/cotton candy and Paris Hilton’s are unsurprisingly fruity and surprisingly not gross. I’ve smelled Usher’s junk (not that junk) and I can’t tell the difference between that and a knockoff from Payless.  Continue reading “Adam Levine’s New Cologne + Christina’s Booming Laughter”

Lindsey Pavao Is The Best Thing On ‘The Voice’

Besides the vinegar, water, fruit punch and bacon chemistry between judges Blake Shelton, Adam Levine, Cee Lo and Christina Aguilera, the best thing on NBC’s The Voice so far is Lindsey Pavao and her rendition of Say Ahh” by Trey Songz.

Pavao has that classic Zooey D, Katy Perry, Lizzy Caplan look to her but with the side of her head shaved and a powerful but dreamy indie pop quality to her vocals.

Three of the four judges turned their chairs to express interest in her for their prospective teams (Adam passed) but ultimately team bacon bits won. Xtina told her,

“You have such a unique quality to your voice, and I don’t want to touch that…You’re awesome, you have a beautiful voice, a beautiful face – you inspire me If you grab my attention just by being you, I’m not gonna mess with that.”  Continue reading “Lindsey Pavao Is The Best Thing On ‘The Voice’”

Christina Aguilera’s Spray Tan Catastrophe

My condolences to friends and entourage members of Christina Aguilera, who must endure looking at her crumpled sausage body, impending chin rolls and that suspicious brown liquid that distracted from her performance at the Etta James memorial service.

For a short time, the world thought that at last her bowels had come undone but some insider from Us Weekly claims that it was a simple case of, ummm, a melted spray tan?

The source said, “She sang her heart out. It was a memorial service for her idol and she was nervous, the sweat caused her spray tan to streak.” Continue reading “Christina Aguilera’s Spray Tan Catastrophe”

Christina Aguilera: Pregnant Or Sausage? (Moves Like Jäger)

When I say “pregnant or sausage” I don’t mean is she pregnant or does she have a penis, I mean is it just her natural sausage physique. You know, where the body morphs and is all one shape and size right down the middle. No hips no boobs, just one conglomerate, like melted taco cheese.

After her performance at the American Music Awards people noticed that Christina Aguilera looked pregnant, but she’s not, and why are people just now noticing this? She looked like that on The Voice and when she flubbed the national anthem at The Super Bowl for god’s sakes and before.

Continue reading “Christina Aguilera: Pregnant Or Sausage? (Moves Like Jäger)”

Top 5 Soulful White Ladies

I listen to all sorts of music but still find myself surprised at how soulful certain white women are capable of being. When you’re casually sitting around listening to a song you naturally get a certain vision of someone. Like when I first heard Gin Wigmore, there was that assumption, I just knew she was a black lady, with an amazing voice. Same with Amy Winehouse…

When I first heard “You Know I’m No Good,” a skinny Jewish/British woman with pin-up tattoos and a black beehive hairdo just isn’t what flew into my imagination. With these artists, I’m too busy listening to their voices to really really consider anything, there’s just a fleeting moment when you decide they’re soulful black women serenading you.

Here is a list of the top five most soulful white ladies of fairly recent years…

Continue reading “Top 5 Soulful White Ladies”