Take Your Butter Money and Run, Girl: Paula Deen Fired From Food Network

Paula Deen apology videoPaula Deen, Mistress of Carbs, maker of delicious, oozing vodka-soaked chicken with chocolate sauce and essence of Hostess Twinkies, has been terminated by the Food Network after she attempted to apologize (twice) for casually admitting that she uses the n-word.

Before telling the public they’d chosen not to renew her contract, the Food Network issued a statement assuring everyone that they do not tolerate bigotry no matter how delicious the bigot’s food is.

“Food Network does not tolerate any form of discrimination and is a strong proponent of diversity and inclusion. We will continue to monitor the situation,” they clarified.

Mrs. Deen and her people scrambled all day to set it right, booking an appearance on the Today Show that was eventually cancelled in favor of a second apology video (first HERE).

Clumps of mascara circled her eyes like helicopters behind Snoop Dogg’s house as her tears [and the tears of her fans] soaked into the ground and gave all the worms and moles severe chest pains and a sudden shooting pain in their arm.  CLICK to watch the video…

Brittney Griner To Model Gender-Neutral Nike Clothing

Brittney Griner nikeIn case you were living under a rock on Mars for the past year, Brittney Griner is this incredibly tall awesome woman basketball player who dates other women and wears bow ties. (Check out this ESPN profile of her for more on that.)

She’s the Ronda Rousey of orange leather balls. Or Bill Nye, except instead of teaching science, she’s breaking barriers in sports and changing views on gender roles.

Like Rousey – who convinced MMA president Dana White to allow women in the UFC and is on her way to becoming the sport’s first female millionaire – Griner is very good at what she does and is about to make major bank on her it factor combo of individuality and talent.

Continue reading “Brittney Griner To Model Gender-Neutral Nike Clothing”

Christina Turns Her Chair For Season 5 of ‘The Voice’

Christina Aguilera armsChristina Aguilera is bringing her particular brand of sass and insanity back to the fifth season of The Voice this September.

She just signed a $12.5 million contract to return to the red “I Want You” chair that Shakira’s been keeping warm for her.

I happened to see the studio where The Voice is filmed when I traveled via wheelbarrow to California. It’s an unremarkable black square with no windows in The Valley (where it’s already hotter than the toilets at the U.S. Championship Cheese Contest).

That’s why Christina’s always fanning her escape artist tatas and why Robin Thicke looked like melted Dippin’ Dots on last week’s episode.

Speaking of tatas, I really wish Shakira and Christina could be on the show at the same time. Usher can dance off the edge of the earth that he probably believes is flat for all I care.  Continue reading “Christina Turns Her Chair For Season 5 of ‘The Voice’”

Teenage ‘Modern Family’ Star Makes More in One Year Than You Will in Four Lifetimes

Rico Rodriguez glasses Rico Rodriguez has come a long way since the pre-Modern Family days of bit parts on Cory in the House and iCarly.

14-year-old Rodriguez’s new contract entitles him to over $75,000 per episode for his work as Manny Delgado on ABC’s hit show in the current fourth season and an additional $10,000 per episode for each year the show continues.

You know what this means? The kid gets paid around $2 million a year to look deep into the mesmerizing koi pond known as Sofia Vergara’s boobs.

(I don’t understand the popularity of this show, but it at least seems better than Two and a Half Men.)

Chad Johnson Punished By NFL And VH1 For Head-Butting Incident

Both VH1 and the Miami Dolphins are cutting ties with wide receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson after he sent his wife, Basketball Wives star Evelyn Lozada to the ER.

The fight reportedly began when Lozada accused Johnson of infidelity after discovering a receipt for condoms. Much like Chris Brown, who was famously “caught in a lie” by Rihanna, Chad retaliated with violence. A head-butt, to be specific.

The Dolphins terminated his one-year contract and his 11-episode reality show co-starrig his wife, Ev & Ocho, was cancelled by VH1 before it aired.

Andy Samberg Officially Not Returning To SNL For Season 38

Andy Samberg told The New York Times that, like Kristen Wiig, he will also not be returning to Saturday Night Live for season 38, which starts back up in September.

“It’s an incredibly emotional and strange moment in my life, obviously it’s not a huge shock, but I did officially decide not to come back,” he told a reporter via telephone. 

While he said it felt like one of the hardest decisions he’s ever made he also mentioned it being his time. “Something about it just feels like it’s the moment. My contract’s up and I did so much more than I ever thought I would ever even do.”  Continue reading “Andy Samberg Officially Not Returning To SNL For Season 38”

Kevin Pereira And Adam Sessler Leaving G4

There’s only one channel you turn to for video game news and reviews, and that is G4, specifically X-Play and Attack Of The Show. Now the two most important faces of the two most important technology shows are parting ways.

Adam Sessler, who has already departed due to contractual disputes, has been involved with G4 since its old format ZDTV and “Gamespot TV” in 1998. He was also the editor-in-chief of gaming content.

News broke that Kevin Pereira would be leaving Attack Of The Show on Tuesday, May 9. He began working for the network as an off-screen production assistant in 2002 who received airtime on Attack by 2006. Continue reading “Kevin Pereira And Adam Sessler Leaving G4”

Britney Spears’ $15 Million Dollar X-Factor Deal

In between shooting promotional videos for Hasbro’s “Twister Dance,” Britney Spears is seconds (okay maybe minutes) away from signing a multi-million deal that will see her seated next to Simon Cowell on the judge’s panel for U.S. X-Factor.

If the deal goes through, Britney’s fiance Jason Trawick may sign on as a producer of the show.

Supposedly his petition to become co-conservator of her funds and business ventures came by suggestion of none other than Cowell.

The departure of Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger set the rumor mill abuzz, and Spears was practically confirmed in March when Simon was asked about the future panel:

“It changes on a daily basis to be honest with you. [We’re looking at] a very famous singer and one very famous actress. You’ve gotta talk to everybody.” Continue reading “Britney Spears’ $15 Million Dollar X-Factor Deal”

Michael Vick’s New Contract, $100 Million For Six Years

ESPN is reporting that the Philadelphia Eagles have signed Michael Vick to a six-year deal worth $100 million, and around $40 million guaranteed, regardless of retirement or injuries.

Eagles coach Andy Reid said in a statement today regarding the contract,

“I’m very happy we were able to reach an agreement with Michael on this long-term contract…It’s a product of all the hard work Michael has done to better himself over the last couple of years, both on and off the field. I’m very proud that he has been able to achieve success again in this league, but he’ll be the first one to tell you that there is a lot of work yet to be done by him and this team as a whole.”

he then added,

“There’s no doubt in my mind that he will continue on that path.”
Continue reading “Michael Vick’s New Contract, $100 Million For Six Years”