Old Ass Michael Jordan Expecting Fourth Child

20131130-182547.jpgGood news! Michael Jordan’s ancient balls are still magical. The 50-year-old basketball legend and model wife Yvette Preito announced via Us Weekly that they are expecting their first child together, and grandpa-aged Jordan’s fourth overall. (Not-so-great-news for the various women who have unsuccessfully sued Jordan for child support.)

To get an idea of just how old of a dad he is, when this youngest son/daughter is 25 he’ll be 75, and by the time he or she is 50, like 2013-edition MJ, he or she will almost certainly be fatherless.

Just two more kids and he’ll have one for each championship ring….

Selena Gomez’s Special Relationship With Hooters (The Restaurant)

Selena Gomez Harper's Bazaar 2013 Widowers, fathers, and okay-looking guys with extremely cute dogs are chick magnets. You know this, I know this, Sonny Koufax from Big Daddy knew it and Selena Gomez‘s dad knows it.

In the April issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Gomez sits in a Hooters, eating a deep-fried pickle and reminiscing about watching basketballs bounce with her father back in Grand Prairie, Texas.

“When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch Spurs games,” she said while vigorously shoving a pickle in mysterious sauce. “He started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!’ So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that kind of became our thing.” 

Perez Hilton Blessed With the Birth of a Hairy Baby

Perez Hilton son After a semi-secret, four-year search for a surrogate mother, online entrepreneur Perez Hilton finally found a match and is now the proud father of a baby boy.

“I am ready to announce that earlier this month I was blessed with the birth of my first child, a beautiful and healthy baby boy – with lots of hair on his tiny head,” Hilton, real name Mario Lavandeira, wrote on his website yesterday afternoon.

Perez said in a 2009 interview with the Los Angeles Times that his “professional mom” Teresita Lavandeira would become a “professional grandmother” if he ever had kids. As in, no nanny.

A lot of people seemed really surprised by this news because he’s not exactly Donny Osmond-wholesome, but do I really need to remind you of all the less-worthy celebs who have children?

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Adele’s Publicity-Obsessed Dad Begs For Forgiveness

Mark Evans - Father of Adele Adkins.When Adele was two years old, her father, a booze-addicted plumber named Mark Evans (who sort of looked like Dave Coulier), abandoned her and her mother.

With years of maturity and success, she slowly began to forgive him. Then she learned he sold a story about her to The Sun and told Vogue in early 2012 that she would “spit in his face” if she ever saw him again, and the possibility of forgiveness was forever shattered.

Now, because continuing to talk to the press is totally the best way to get back in her good graces, Evans is telling the Daily Mail that he is completely devastated about not being able to talk to his daughter or meet his son-in-law and grandchild.  Continue reading “Adele’s Publicity-Obsessed Dad Begs For Forgiveness”

Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy

Jessica Simpson‘s mom Tina filed for divorce from Joe Simpson sometime last month after 34 years of marriage due to “discord or conflict of personalities.”

The super unreliable National Enquirer is reporting that the “discord” translates to Joe coming out of the closet to the entire family. According to Radar, 54-year-old Joe doesn’t waste any time…

A source says that he has a “20-something boy toy,” and that they were in fact in the car together on August 4 when Joe was arrested for DUI in California.

You’re telling me the guy who used the word “sexy” three times in one sentence to describe his daughter and  her “double D’s” is actually gay?  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy”

Lindsay Calls Her Cocaine-Addicted Mother ‘The Devil’

The sword-shallowing club-going mother/daughter duo of Lindsay and Dina Lohan were in a limo on their way to Long Island when Lindsay called Dina “the devil” and accused her of being on drugs in audio of a phone call to Michael Lohan obtained by TMZ.

“Dad, she’s on cocaine. She’s like touching her neck and shit,” LL told her father.

First of all, let me say congratulations to Lindsay for NOT being behind the wheel. I’m very proud of you for simply getting in an argument about money with the whacked-out mother who probably gave you your first line INSTEAD of doing all that AND crashing into a brick wall.  Continue reading “Lindsay Calls Her Cocaine-Addicted Mother ‘The Devil’”

Sarah Hyland’s Dad Gave Her His Kidney

Sarah Hyland, who plays Haley Dunphy on Modern Family, was forced to undergo a kidney transplant after struggling with dysplasia and her father is the one who gave her the organ she needed.

Hyland, who had the surgery April 13, told Seventeen“
You know that family is always going to be there for you – no matter what. My dad gave me a freakin’ kidney!”

“It’s also the families that you create outside of your family. And you really find out what kind of people you’re friends with. It was just amazing, and it really opened my eyes to see who’s there for me and who’s not.”

That quote makes me wonder, who denied her their kidney?? Someone ‘wasn’t there for her,’ bastards. Apparently, her boyfriend Matt Propkop isn’t one of those people.

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O.J. Simpson Is Khloe Kardashian’s Dad Now

After rumors circled and speculation stones were thrown towards Khloe Kardashian, who may or may not be Robert Kardashian’s genetic daughter, I finally know who her true father is.

National Enquirer with the big Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader reveal: it’s O.J. Simpson! This makes perfect sense because Robert Kardashian and O.J. were good friends back in the day.

Add that bit of knowledge to the fact that Kris Jenner was a notorious adulteress and you’ve got an airtight case.

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Katy Perry’s Dad Apologizes For Mel Gibson-Like Sermon

It is semi-common knowledge that Katy Perry changed her name from Katy Hudson to Katy Perry to avoid comparisons to actress Kate Hudson, who Perry is now much more famous than, but I have this other theory…

Maybe Katy actually changed her name to avoid being compared to her crazy anti-semitic evangelist preacher father, Keith Hudson, who had to apologize to the Anti-Defamation League for a sermon that incorporated old-timey Jewish stereotypes about money. Here’s how it went:

“You know how to make the Jew jealous? Have some money, honey. You go to L.A. and they own all the Rolex and diamond places. Walk down a part of L.A. where we live and it is so rich it smells. You ever smell rich? They are all Jews, hallelujah! Amen.”

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Jodie Foster’s Father Sentenced To 5 Years In Jail

Jodie Foster’s father, Lucius Foster, was sentenced to five years in jail on Thursday for duping 21 home buyers out of thousands of dollars in a scheme that could have landed him behind bars for much much longer.

The crime Foster, 89, committed could easily have earned him 25 years, a life sentence for someone his age. Lucky for him, he has a second chance and will likely not serve his full sentence due to overcrowding. He will be liable for a large sum of money, probably more than $150,000, the prosecutor speculated.

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