Gaga’s Engagement Ring is a Bloody Giant Heart

lady gaga ringJust Kidding.

Lady Gaga of the meat dress-having, singing-while-covered-in-blood and eating-designer-cakes-dripping-with-red-dye persuasion, did NOT receive anything crazy for her engagement, but she did get a completely normal heart-shaped ring from her boyfriend, television firefighter and werewolf Taylor Kinney, for Valentine’s.

Kidding again. Gaga’s ring isn’t normal, it’s huge and probably worth a million dollars. The biggest shock here is one of the following multiple choice options:

1.  You can buy a ring like this at almost any high-end jewelry store.
2. Nobody was hired to pry it from the cold dead fingers of Alexander McQueen
3. Gaga is marrying not only a human man from Earth, but a pretty regular guy

 

 

 

 

 

George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989

George Clooney Amal Alamuddin vacationThe last time George Clooney was married, he was famous enough for TV movies, Roseanne and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

And what makes Amal Alamuddin aka Anal Aladdinthe woman he’s decided to settle down with, different from Elisabetta Canalis, Stacy Keibler and the other waitresses and aspiring dancer-models Clooney recruits as dual companions and sperm depositories for two years at a time?

She’s smart, for one. A bilingual British writer and lawyer with a high-profile clients like Julian Assange. (The main draw is the secret Crown Royal spigot implanted in her spine.)

Alamuddin’s law firm, along with his blabbermouth mother and father, are to blame for leaking the engagement news.  Continue reading “George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989”

Tiny Brunette Actress Mila Kunis to Wed Large Brunette Actor Ashton Kutcher

Mila Kunis ringKelso and Jackie from That ’70s Show are engaged according to E! News.

In terms of co-star romances, the pairing of Mila Kunis (soooo good in Black Swan) and Kutcher (sooo okay in movies with the word “effect” and “effects” in the title) isn’t quite as exciting as that of Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen because The O.C. is a much better show, but let’s review the inane facts anyway…

Significantly taller and less talented Ashton – former flame of Demi Moore – and Mila Kunis, former flame of Macaulay Culkin (you wanted to forget, didn’t you?) – have been dating for two years and the only reason E! thinks they’re engaged is because Kunis was seen wandering around L.A. with “a significant-sized rock on her most significant finger.” A source for Perez Hilton has the deets:

“It won’t be a long engagement. He wants to marry her soon and start their life together. He was planning this all along.”  Continue reading “Tiny Brunette Actress Mila Kunis to Wed Large Brunette Actor Ashton Kutcher”

Robin Wright is Ben Foster’s Future Bride

Ben foster and robin wrightI’m a apparently very behind on the celebrity dating rumor mill, because Ben Foster and Robin Wright have been a couple for two years and are now engaged and I had no idea they even knew each other.

It seems a little random, but it also makes me happy because I like them both, especially him in Alpha Dog and on Six Feet Under and her with anyone besides that grumpy, smile-challenged Hobbit Sean Penn.

There’s also a 14-year-age difference which gives me faith my own 8-year-difference. (Like Wright, I’m the old cougar/snapping tortoise.) He’s 33 and she’s 47, in case you were wondering.

Wright, who met Foster on the set of Rampart in 2011, is reportedly super “excited” to plan her wedding. Yay. Confirmation that she’s a human woman! (Am I a man for having nightmares about Kelly Clarkson singing “every ball needs a chain” in a wedding dress?)

Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron

Kanye and Kim proposal
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are just soooo unconventional with this whole getting married after childbirth thing, because it’s always best not to rush things when you already have a baby together, right?

In true Kanye fashion, West hired a 50-piece orchestra to serenade her with a Keri Hilson song he’s featured on at AT&T Park in San Francisco while the words “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” scrolled across the jumbotron. The ring, seen above, is a 15-carat diamond designed by Lorraine Schwartz, who helped his buddy Jay-Z put a ring on Beyonce. (Blake Lively’s rock from Ryan Reynolds too.)  Continue reading “Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron”

Andy Cohen: Sean Avery and I are Platonic Friends!

Sean Avery Andy Cohen instagramThere’s a really amazing[ly hard-to-believe] story that Bravo VP Andy Cohen is dating Elisha Cuthbert’s ex-boyfriend, former New York Ranger Sean Avery.

They are rumored to be secretly engaged after two-and-a-half years of dating, but Cohen insists they are strictly friends without benefits.

“Dude, Sean Avery is straight. Do you understand that? A gay guy and a straight guy should be able to be friends without you asking me if we’re engaged,” he told a paparazzi.

I think the only fucking they’re doing is with the media. In a never-ending game of hash tag, you’re it, Cohen’s response to relationship questions from fans on Twitter is “ask @imseanavery.”

The “I’d be happy if Sean and I were banging” thing also isn’t exactly clear evidence to the contrary…

 

Scarlett Johansson: Engaged and Extraterrestrial

Scarlett Johansson ring fianceThere are multiple ScarJo stories floating around this week, one being that she is engaged again. This time to a Frenchman instead of that no-good Canadian Romeo Ryan Reynolds.

The guy’s name is Romain Dauriac, and he has been providing her with many diamonds and boat outings over the course of their 10-month relationship.

Johansson also appears in the new teaser for Under The Skin, where she plays “an alien from an unidentified place who uses sex — or, at least, the promise of it — to lure men off the streets and to their deaths,” according to the Los Angeles Times.

Continue reading “Scarlett Johansson: Engaged and Extraterrestrial”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-24-13]

Kelly Osbourne Matthew Mosshart engagedEveryone but Kelly Osbourne thinks Kelly Osbourne got secretly engaged. (E! Online)

Bradley Cooper is interested in playing Lance Armstrong in a biopic. (NBC)

“No ill feelings” between Faith Evans and Biggie mistress Lil’ Kim. (ohmyGAHH!)

Taylor Swift sits in a Disney window with Disney hair extensions. (Celebuzz)

Peter Robbins, voice of Charlie Brown, arrested for stalking in San Diego. (TMZ)

Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey arguing some more (so glad I don’t watch). (Radar)

Overseas Ikea commercial causes a stir for joking about transgender women. (Inquisitr)

Neck Tattoo To Marry Neck Tattoo: Deadmau5 Proposes to Kat Von D on Twitter

Kat Von D Deadmaus kissingSixth highest-paid DJ in the world Deadmau5 (real name: Joel Zimmerman) proposed to LA Ink star Kat Von D over the internet on Saturday.

“I can’t wait for Christmas so…. Katherine Von Drachenberg, will you marry me? @thekatvond,” Zimmerman wrote in a public Twitter message that included a picture of the ring.

Kat celebrated by drawing a picture of Joel with a butterfly on his head, while Joel expressed more online joy in another message that read, “holy fucking shit. im engaged and stuff!”

Holy fucking shit, Jesse James’ sloppy seconds, complete with face tattoos? She’s perfect!

Continue reading “Neck Tattoo To Marry Neck Tattoo: Deadmau5 Proposes to Kat Von D on Twitter”

Deja Hugh – Hefner To Marry Crystal Harris

Crystal Harris Hugh Hefner creepyHugh Hefner is having an especially dick-raising, money draining week. Not only is he hurting his back watching the help put up Christmas decorations around the mansion, he’s engaged to Crystal Harris for the second time!

Refresher – their first wedding was meant to occur in June of 2011 but Harris retreated in fear when Hef tweeted her a sexy photo what she thought was his wrinkled taint (it was really just of him winking).

Okay, so that’s not exactly what happened. No one knows Harris’ exact reason for bailing the first time. Could be the taint wink, could be that the prenup and will weren’t impressive enough.  Continue reading “Deja Hugh – Hefner To Marry Crystal Harris”

Kourtney Kardashian Finally Said ‘Yes’ To Scott Disick?

Looks like the romance of Paris may have gotten to Kourtney Kardashian.

Always unreliable Star Magazine reports that Scott Disick asked his two-time baby mama of over five years to marry him for the billionth time and she said YES.

“We’re all so thrilled they’ve finally decided to get engaged,” Scott’s loudmouth auntie Laurie told the publication. “We’re all so fond of Kourtney, and we wish them a long, happy marriage.”

The ring was purchased in October at Florida’s Levinson Jewelers.

Coming up on E! – the ring, the proposal, and take after take of Kourtney looking surprised on top of the Eiffel Tower.

Elisha Cuthbert Engaged To Toronto Maple Leafs’ Captain Dion Phaneuf

Girl Next Door/House Of Wax/24 Actress Elisha Cuthbert is engaged to her 6’3″ hockey boyfriend, former Calgary Flame and current Maple Leafs defenseman Dion Phaneuf. They have been dating quietly since 2008.

Us Weekly reports that the Prince Edward Island restaurant New Glasgow Lobster Suppers hosted the couple’s surprise engagement party on September 2nd.

Few can forget the famous interview with TSN in Calgary, where Cuthbert’s ex, fellow high-profile puck-handler Sean Avery was suspended for six games after saying:

“I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about.”

Canadian leftovers: Chad Kroeger to wed Avril Lavigne

Former cockerspaniel and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger 37, proposed to Brody Jenner-banger Avril Lavigne, 27. The two have been quietly dating for six months and Lavigne’s people broke the news to old person-gossip bible, People magazine.

The pair got together in February this year to co-write a song for Lavigne’s fifth studio album.

This odd match comes as a shock to most Canadians due to the similarities between the two artists: both Nickelback and Avril Lavigne enjoyed years of early success with strings of number one irritating singles like “This is how your remind me” and “Sk8er boy”. That is until Canadians sobered up from their potent home brew and realized their music was terrible, but they continued success inside and outside of Canada with Avril touring in Asia this year.  Continue reading “Canadian leftovers: Chad Kroeger to wed Avril Lavigne”

Lucas Silveira Of The Cliks Is Engaged!

Lead singer/guitarist for the rock band The Cliks (“Oh Yeah,“Dirty King”) Lucas Silveira proposed to his girlfriend, Skye Chevolleau, who said “yes” on stage Friday night at Toronto Pride 2012.

Silveira, the first notable transgendered rock star (sorry Tom Gabel), simply typed “Gettin’ hitched!” on Facebook after performing at the Canadian pride festival.

The Cliks frontman, who is the sole remaining member of the group, wrote recently for NOW Magazine about feeling “alienated” by the LBGT community. In the article, he talks about coming under fire for using the word “tranny” and talking about his past as a woman.

Continue reading “Lucas Silveira Of The Cliks Is Engaged!”

Take It Slow Kim And Miley, I Don’t Want To Write About Another Divorce

Not long ago Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who are apparently a real couple, were in the news for selling their collective homes so they can move in together.

Both put their houses in Los Angeles up on the market for several million dollars and are looking, according to TMZ, for “a really private place to live … behind gates.”  Continue reading “Take It Slow Kim And Miley, I Don’t Want To Write About Another Divorce”

Keira Knightley Engaged To Klaxons Keyboardist

Keira Knightley is engaged to the keyboardist and backup vocalist for the band Klaxons, best known indie rock hits like “Golden Skans,” “Gravity’s Rainbow,” and “Atlantis to Interzone.”

They were introduced by Alexa Chung (MTV’s It’s On With Alexa Chung) who once dated another Glastonbury favorite, Alex Turner of Arctic Monkeys.

27 year-old Knightley and 28 year-old James Righton have been together for 15 months and live together in East London. This is the first marriage for both parties.

Right on, James.

What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!

Angelina Jolie’s recent engagement to Brad Pitt, father of her children and partner for seven years means doesn’t mean much to humanity. You’re just going to see a ton of pictures of her left elongated spider hand and the ring that adorns it.

Before you say it, Jennifer Aniston does not care about this news There are even [unlikely] rumors that she might go to the wedding. And how good would that feel? Showing up with Justin Theroux, looking happier than ever, relieved not to be with that toolbox that left her for another woman. Hopefully she gets a plus two invite so she can bring Chelsea Handler.  Continue reading “What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!”