America is the 18th Fattest Country

The United States are in trouble. ISIS and Justin Bieber are still at large, Men are having just as much plastic surgery as women and I keep forgetting which side of the kitchen the silverware drawer is on. On top of all that, we’re not even good at being fat anymore.

Yes, a study pulled using CIA obesity statistics tells us that America, land of the hydrogenated oil spongebath and McDonald’s apple pie enema came in 18th on a list of the fattest countries after Samoa, Nauru, The Cook Islands and a bunch of other names I can’t pronounce because I’m illiterate and overweight but not illiterate and overweight enough to make it to number one.  Continue reading “America is the 18th Fattest Country”

Man of Steel’s Childhood Nickname Was ‘Fat Cavill’

henry cavill as a kid fat cavillMan of Steel star Henry Cavill wasn’t always steamier than a plate of enchiladas, louder than a vibrator in the movie theater and all those other things about bullets, locomotives and tall buildings that suddenly escape my mind when I think about HIS GIANT BULGING MUSCLES and thoughtful eyes.

My nickname in school was ‘Fat Cavill,’ he told a crowd plus his co-stars, Amy Adams and Russell Crowe, on Friday, June 14 during an interview on The Graham Norton Show. “My dad always said from the age of about 13, I stayed the same weight until 25, I just got taller.”

So he went from a fatty fatty boom to a hottie hottie swoon swoon? And a millionaire? And he’s not intimidated by strong women? (He’s dating MMA-fighter-turned-actress Gina Carano.)

Continue reading “Man of Steel’s Childhood Nickname Was ‘Fat Cavill’”

Celebrities as Normal People, by Planet Hiltron

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Photoshop master Danny Evans has been downgrading celebrities since 2006, giving us an opportunity to do more than just imagine what notable celebrities like Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Nicki Minaj would look like as ordinary, working class people.

His most viral piece seems to be bloated Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, but who could forget Ashlee Simpson as a midwestern Nebraskan corn queen, Jennifer Lopez as a social worker who appears to operate out of a barn, or Zooey Deschanel standing alone in a diner after prom?

Continue reading “Celebrities as Normal People, by Planet Hiltron”

Let’s Fat Shame Rob Kardashian The Way Dudes Fat Shame Khloe

Rob Kardashian fatI’m not a big fan of the term “fat shaming” because it’s a word women who call themselves feminists use alongside the word “objectifying.” (Which I really hate, because let’s face it, a lot of women are willingly objectified for pay and it’s called commercialism, not rape.)

If I was a hairy-pitted, Tom’s Deodorant-using hippie who just happened to catch the latest episode of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami down at the Y, I’d go on about how everybody examines Khloe’s cellulite under a microscope but nobody talks about Rob Kardashian’s weight gain because he’s a man. (Really I just want to make fun of him.)

Continue reading “Let’s Fat Shame Rob Kardashian The Way Dudes Fat Shame Khloe”

Lena Dunham Talks Racism, Nudity, Jodie Foster, Heels and Body Image with Howard Stern

Lena Dunham howard SternLena Dunham called in to The Howard Stern Show on the 16th, covering a plethora of topics including her own nudity, the lack of nudity from the other female cast members on Girls, the ethnicity controversy, and Howard’s original and new opinion of her and the show.

Dunham said she first found out about Howard’s criticism of her while sitting backstage at The Today Show with British co-star Jemima Kirke and that she “thought it was funny” that he compared her to Jonah Hill (she returned the favor by comparing him to her presumably feisty Grandma Dot).  Continue reading “Lena Dunham Talks Racism, Nudity, Jodie Foster, Heels and Body Image with Howard Stern”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-10-12]

Fat Girls receipt
The waiters at Chilly D’s in Stockton will call you fat for eating a third batch of fries. (Gawker)

“Stay” is probably Rihanna’s favorite slow song from Unapologetic. (Popdust)

Paul McCartney forgot his cue at the Olympics because he’s 70. (Huffington Post)

No makeup and gray hair = Fiasco for Adam Lambert. (ohmyGAHH!)

Lea Michele thinks her boobs have emotions, refers to them as “prizewinners.” (Evil Beet)

Decorating your tree in red, bum-baring undies again, are we, Mario Lopez? (E! Online)

Family of nurse who committed suicide after hospital prank speak out, DJs apologize. (Daily Mail)

Jennifer Lawrence and Her Boyfriend Love Beach Volleyball, Asses and Cheetos

In the new issue December edition of Elle Magazine, Jennifer Lawrence discusses her boyfriend, Nicholas Hoult (Skins, X-Men: First Class), and being called “fat.”

Unless Lawrence is harboring some deep secret, like dead kids or baby seals in her closet, I think we can all agree that she’s one of the only famous people under the age of 25 that you should call a role model, mainly for her honesty and ability to laugh off comments that would give most women crippling body image problems.

1. She doesn’t give a fuck if you think she’s too big: “I’m never going to starve myself for a part… I don’t want little girls to be like, ‘Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I’m going to skip dinner. That’s something I was really conscious of during training, when you’re trying to get your body to look exactly right. I was trying to get my body to look fit and strong – not thin and underfed.”

Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence and Her Boyfriend Love Beach Volleyball, Asses and Cheetos”

Christina Aguilera Makes Solid Case For Weight Gain In Imaginary Comments

Comments thought to be made by Christina Aguilera to Billboard magazine about her weight gain in 2002 during her Stripped tour with Justin Timberlake turned out to be false, according to her rep.

Disappointing because I legitimately thought for a second that she’d made some really great points and illustrated a non-hypocritical message. The quotes, which may have originated on Tumblr, referred to a frantic meeting her label had to discuss her new look.

“During the promotion of my album Stripped, I got tired of being a skinny, white girl, I am Ecuadorian but people felt so safe passing me off as a skinny, blue-eyed white girl,” she said in the excellently crafted fake interview.

“The next time my label saw me, I was heavier, darker and full of piercings! Let me tell you, that wasn’t an easy pill for them to swallow. I had gained about 15 pounds during promotion.”  Continue reading “Christina Aguilera Makes Solid Case For Weight Gain In Imaginary Comments”

Christina Aguilera Turns Technicolored Tricks in New “Your Body” Video

I gotta say, X-tina looks good in the new vid. She hid the weight Oprah-style with face contour, dishonest lighting, and triple-layer Spanx.

The opening “No men were harmed” warning label shows she maintained her consistentfeminist” music video theme: Dominance over men while dressed as RuPaul as possible. This video is no exception.

First we see Christina the hitchhiker. To be honest, I don’t know many men who would make out with a roadside stranger who is wearing THAT MANY ACCESSORIES AND NO PANTS. It just doesn’t make sense, it can only end in pink fumes.  Continue reading “Christina Aguilera Turns Technicolored Tricks in New “Your Body” Video”

Lady Gaga Gained A Bit Of Weight, But Shhh, I’m Not Supposed To Talk About It

Recently, a nutritionist who never met or treated Lady Gaga, told Radar Online that she gained “at least 30 pounds.”

The initial media response was to report about the potential weight gain, because they noticed that she had indeed gained a little bit of weight, though I doubt it’s actually 30 pounds. A mere twelve pounds can look like a lot on someone her height, just ask Snooki, or Christina Aguilera.

The second response from softer outlets, was to defend Gaga, which I also understand.

“But what’s piling on is the bullshit: Body scrutiny like this is cruel and pointless,” Jezebel’s Dodai Stewart wrote in a piece entitled “Shut The Fuck Up About Lady Gaga’s Weight.”  Continue reading “Lady Gaga Gained A Bit Of Weight, But Shhh, I’m Not Supposed To Talk About It”

Jessica Simpson’s Funbags Ahoy!

This is completely asinine. Is there really so little going on in the entertainment world that eonline.com has to do a feature story on Jessica Simpson’s gigantic tits? Yes, they’ve gotten bigger. Yes, they look ridiculous. At this point she’s basically a sideshow freak. She’s Chelsea Charms (Porn star. Look her up, then vomit.). And let me tell you, no one looks at Chelsea Charms because they think she’s hot. I mean, nothing in the story even alludes to these massive balloons making her attractive at all. The picture they use in the story is totally unflattering.

Does anyone even remember why this clown is famous? She was a singer, right? No, seriously. I don’t remember. If she was I honestly cannot think of a single song of hers that was on the radio. I remember she was on some reality show with her husband that showcased how incredibly vapid and idiotic she was. I seem to recall she was part of the Mickey Mouse Club graduating class that included Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake. And…that’s about it.  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Funbags Ahoy!”

Try Calling Jennifer Lawrence Fat Now

Jennifer Lawrence was an entity in her own right before nowHer Academy Award nomination for Winter’s Bone alone caught the public’s eye, then X-Men: First Class which I’m sure will have a prequel-sequel of its own, seemed like the icing on the cake.

Throw in her actual role as Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games and you have to deduct that her career is already bigger than actresses who put their foot in the door decades ago.

Anytime someone gets this kind of recognition, people want to find someone to nitpick about. Sometimes it’s warranted or based in truth and SOMETIMES it’s a complete load of turkey crap.

In the case of those-who-must-not-be-named…aka anyone who calls Jennifer Lawrence “Fatniss Everdeen” and goes on about how she’s too big to play a starving character – you are what lit Charlie Sheen’s “troll” fuse.  Continue reading “Try Calling Jennifer Lawrence Fat Now”

Kate Winslet Cleverly Skewers All Things Titanic

Kate Winslet is seems a little sick of Titanic. Even though her and Leonardo DiCaprio have had expansive careers after their roles in James Cameron’s big-budget romp, they cannot seem to avoid being associated with it by a few nostalgic fans.

People have even urged her to sing the theme song that plays tragically during the end credits and “went on” to become a #1 hit and bestselling song of 1998. “Every time I go into a bar in a hotel where there is a live pianist or a restaurant where they are changing their music according to who walks in the door apparently,” she told MTV News“it’s thrilling for people to surprise me with the Celine Dion song.”  Continue reading “Kate Winslet Cleverly Skewers All Things Titanic”

Perez Hilton, No Longer A Fatty Fatty Boom Boom

Perez Hilton’s weight loss has been chronicled since 2008, previously by Perez himself and In Touch weekly.

He told the magazine that he slimmed down by simply walking and incorporating a healthier diet.

“I began by just eating healthy, and a month later, I started to incorporate a little bit of exercise – just walking for about 30 minutes a day – and then I became motivated to do more and more.”

“I have two trainers who I work out with in the gym Mondays through Thursdays. On Fridays and Saturdays I do Pilates, Sundays I do yoga, and I also do spinning.”  Continue reading “Perez Hilton, No Longer A Fatty Fatty Boom Boom”

Tiny Gossip Girl Stars (And One Doughy Kid)

The website famous for posting awkward teenage and grade school pictures of celebrities, Snakkle.com, has a new gallery for you to feast your eyes upon.

This time it’s the stars of Gossip Girl filling your eyes with joy as you are reminded that they were once natural-faced and in possession of crooked teeth, acne and as you can see with 7th grade Penn Badgley, baby fat.

Continue reading “Tiny Gossip Girl Stars (And One Doughy Kid)”

Why A Certain Word Isn’t As Offensive As You Think

On Thursday, my third favorite female jokester after Kathleen Madigan and Wanda Sykes called in to the Nick And Artie Show, which is one part Stern sidekick Artie Lange and one part comedian Nick DiPaolo, to promote The Celebrity Apprentice.

“Promote” is not the word I was looking for, because while Lisa Lampanelli is a cast member on the show, which premieres February 12, she also told a story about NBC giving her bad seats at a Knicks game. The thing that really interested me was her explanation of a certain word, the one women find most offensive. And no it’s not “bitch.”

Continue reading “Why A Certain Word Isn’t As Offensive As You Think”

Christina Aguilera: Pregnant Or Sausage? (Moves Like Jäger)

When I say “pregnant or sausage” I don’t mean is she pregnant or does she have a penis, I mean is it just her natural sausage physique. You know, where the body morphs and is all one shape and size right down the middle. No hips no boobs, just one conglomerate, like melted taco cheese.

After her performance at the American Music Awards people noticed that Christina Aguilera looked pregnant, but she’s not, and why are people just now noticing this? She looked like that on The Voice and when she flubbed the national anthem at The Super Bowl for god’s sakes and before.

Continue reading “Christina Aguilera: Pregnant Or Sausage? (Moves Like Jäger)”