Mother/Daughter Porn Team Seeking Father/Son to Tag Team

Monica and Jessica porn teamTwenty-two years ago, Jessica [insert-real-last-name-here] gave birth to Monica [insert-same-last-name-here], who ended up venturing into porn once she was of-age.

Monica, under the fresh new last name “Sexxxton,” re-defined Bring Your Mother to Work Day when she suggested that 50-something Jessica try it out. But not separately, because they wanted to spend quality time becoming “filthy rich,” so they made adult films together, and 100% legally according to Florida’s state incest laws, as the first and only real mother and daughter porn duo.

Gross beyond comprehension. Anyway, these two freaks are looking to amp it up a notch. After tag teaming many non-related men, Jessica and Monica are scouring the nation for a likeminded pair.

“It’s something we’ve considered for a while,” Jessica told HuffPost, on videotaping a session of her and her mom with an equally gonzo father and son. “We once dated brothers in real life on and off for a couple of years. They were closer to [Monica’s] age, but we haven’t done a father and son in real life or on camera.”

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Perez Hilton Blessed With the Birth of a Hairy Baby

Perez Hilton son After a semi-secret, four-year search for a surrogate mother, online entrepreneur Perez Hilton finally found a match and is now the proud father of a baby boy.

“I am ready to announce that earlier this month I was blessed with the birth of my first child, a beautiful and healthy baby boy – with lots of hair on his tiny head,” Hilton, real name Mario Lavandeira, wrote on his website yesterday afternoon.

Perez said in a 2009 interview with the Los Angeles Times that his “professional mom” Teresita Lavandeira would become a “professional grandmother” if he ever had kids. As in, no nanny.

A lot of people seemed really surprised by this news because he’s not exactly Donny Osmond-wholesome, but do I really need to remind you of all the less-worthy celebs who have children?

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Father of the Year to Luis Rivera For Exploiting Son on YouTube

Lil Poopy clubThere are bad parents out there, I know. There are parents who miss childhood milestones like graduations and dance recitals. There are parents who buy their kids liquor and let them throw huge parties at their houses because they want to be more of a friend to their children than an actual guardian. Some parents, I think, see children as more of an accessory than anything else. These are bad parents.

Then we have your terrible, god awful, I-can’t-believe-the-doctor-didn’t-sterilize-you-after-he-found-out-you-were-pregnant parents. These are the ones who obviously don’t give a shit about their kids.

You have your Joe Jacksons, your Kris Jenners, your Casey Anthonys. Now, you can add Luis Rivera, Sr. to that list.  Continue reading “Father of the Year to Luis Rivera For Exploiting Son on YouTube”

Adele’s Publicity-Obsessed Dad Begs For Forgiveness

Mark Evans - Father of Adele Adkins.When Adele was two years old, her father, a booze-addicted plumber named Mark Evans (who sort of looked like Dave Coulier), abandoned her and her mother.

With years of maturity and success, she slowly began to forgive him. Then she learned he sold a story about her to The Sun and told Vogue in early 2012 that she would “spit in his face” if she ever saw him again, and the possibility of forgiveness was forever shattered.

Now, because continuing to talk to the press is totally the best way to get back in her good graces, Evans is telling the Daily Mail that he is completely devastated about not being able to talk to his daughter or meet his son-in-law and grandchild.  Continue reading “Adele’s Publicity-Obsessed Dad Begs For Forgiveness”

Kevin Federline’s Brother Says Britney Spears Stole His Credit Card and Had His Baby

Christopher FederlineThe National Enquirer is reporting an absolutely bonkers story about K-Fed’s surprisingly okay-looking brother Christopher and Britney Spears.

In papers filed earlier this month, Christopher Federline claims Britney stole his Capital One card out of his wallet to buy comics for her sons, one of whom Chris claims is his.

According to him, a temporary restraining order is necessary because they had sex seven years ago and she’s still terrorizing him by racking up over $4,000 in Betty Boop and Archie comics.

What an insensitive father. I mean, you’d think he wouldn’t mind her spoiling their son with G-rated reading material.  Continue reading “Kevin Federline’s Brother Says Britney Spears Stole His Credit Card and Had His Baby”

Add Fatherhood to the List of Things You Love About Channing Tatum

Channing Tatum wife JennaSexiest man alive Channing Tatum and most-envied woman alive Jenna Dewan-Tatum are expecting their first child! After speculation that Dewan was sporting a baby bump at VH1 Divas, representatives for the couple told People that they are “pleased to announce” the arrival of a tiny charming potato sometime next year.

Channing said in an interview just last month that they were both “ready” for children.

“The first number that pops into my head is three, but I just want one to be healthy and then we’ll see where we go after that. It’s really easy for us guys to say, ‘I want like 15 kids.’ Jenna will be like, ‘Well you better get another wife!'”  Continue reading “Add Fatherhood to the List of Things You Love About Channing Tatum”

Video: Maroon 5 – “One More Night’

Newly single Adam Levine has dropped a new single. Actually it’s a new VIDEO featuring Minka Kelly and he isn’t even single but I opted for the play on words, no matter how unfitting.

Musicians aren’t usually good at being actors, but they all desperately want to be dramatic so when they’re not starring in crap films like Battleship or making egomaniacal documentaries about themselves they’re channeling their theatric energy into music videos.  Continue reading “Video: Maroon 5 – “One More Night’”

Jerry Sandusky Abused His Adopted Son, Matt

One of Jerry Sandusky‘s six adopted children, 33-year-old Matt Sandusky, has come forth as one of his father’s victims. Lawyers for Matt confirmed the news yesterday and that he is prepared to testify.

Attorneys Andrew Shubin and Justine Andronici said in the statement:

“During the trial, Matt Sandusky contacted us and requested our advice and assistance in arranging a meeting with prosecutors to disclose for the first time in this case that he is a victim of Jerry Sandusky’s abuse.”

“At Matt’s request, we immediately arranged a meeting between him and the prosecutors and investigators. This has been an extremely painful experience for Matt and he has asked us to convey his request that the media respect his privacy. There will be no further comment.”  Continue reading “Jerry Sandusky Abused His Adopted Son, Matt”

Sarah Hyland’s Dad Gave Her His Kidney

Sarah Hyland, who plays Haley Dunphy on Modern Family, was forced to undergo a kidney transplant after struggling with dysplasia and her father is the one who gave her the organ she needed.

Hyland, who had the surgery April 13, told Seventeen“
You know that family is always going to be there for you – no matter what. My dad gave me a freakin’ kidney!”

“It’s also the families that you create outside of your family. And you really find out what kind of people you’re friends with. It was just amazing, and it really opened my eyes to see who’s there for me and who’s not.”

That quote makes me wonder, who denied her their kidney?? Someone ‘wasn’t there for her,’ bastards. Apparently, her boyfriend Matt Propkop isn’t one of those people.

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O.J. Simpson Is Khloe Kardashian’s Dad Now

After rumors circled and speculation stones were thrown towards Khloe Kardashian, who may or may not be Robert Kardashian’s genetic daughter, I finally know who her true father is.

National Enquirer with the big Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader reveal: it’s O.J. Simpson! This makes perfect sense because Robert Kardashian and O.J. were good friends back in the day.

Add that bit of knowledge to the fact that Kris Jenner was a notorious adulteress and you’ve got an airtight case.

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Katy Perry’s Dad Apologizes For Mel Gibson-Like Sermon

It is semi-common knowledge that Katy Perry changed her name from Katy Hudson to Katy Perry to avoid comparisons to actress Kate Hudson, who Perry is now much more famous than, but I have this other theory…

Maybe Katy actually changed her name to avoid being compared to her crazy anti-semitic evangelist preacher father, Keith Hudson, who had to apologize to the Anti-Defamation League for a sermon that incorporated old-timey Jewish stereotypes about money. Here’s how it went:

“You know how to make the Jew jealous? Have some money, honey. You go to L.A. and they own all the Rolex and diamond places. Walk down a part of L.A. where we live and it is so rich it smells. You ever smell rich? They are all Jews, hallelujah! Amen.”

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Khloe – Real Kardashian Or ‘Milkman’s Daughter?’

It doesn’t exactly come as a surprise that Khloe Kardashian‘s genetic Armenian relation to her sisters and father Robert Kardashian is being questioned.  Khloe herself sought out a DNA test on television which proved only that she was the spawn of Kris Jenner, who admitted in her tell-all book to cheating during her previous marriage.

Robert Kardashian’s ex-wives, Jan Ashley and Ellen Pierson, both claim that he knew she wasn’t his daughter, but accepted her as a part of the family regardless. Ashley told Star Magazine that he told her matter-of-factly, “Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?

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Jodie Foster’s Father Sentenced To 5 Years In Jail

Jodie Foster’s father, Lucius Foster, was sentenced to five years in jail on Thursday for duping 21 home buyers out of thousands of dollars in a scheme that could have landed him behind bars for much much longer.

The crime Foster, 89, committed could easily have earned him 25 years, a life sentence for someone his age. Lucky for him, he has a second chance and will likely not serve his full sentence due to overcrowding. He will be liable for a large sum of money, probably more than $150,000, the prosecutor speculated.

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Terminator’s John Connor (Edward Furlong) Is A Terrible Father

Edward Furlong, who was the second and possibly most memorable actor to play John Connor in the Terminator film series, owes over $15,000 in child support payments to his ex-wife Rachael Bella Kneeland.

This is one of many of Furlong’s public/shameful issues. Kneeland complained back in January that Furlong was a month behind on his payments to her, and asked for an increase in both spousal and child support.

She also attempted to “terminate” phone contact between their son, Ethan, and Edward, after he called her a “dragon” on the phone to Ethan, and mentioned that her new boyfriend was a wimp who “has a vagina…”

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