Nicolas Cage’s Dirty Photos Stolen by Handyman (LOL)

Nicolas Cage recedingNational Treasure jokes were queued and loaded today as news hit the internet that best/worst actor of all time Nicolas Cage’s naked pics were stolen from his house.

Cage insists that explicit photos of him and the mother of his guyliner-wearing son, Weston Cage, “do not exist and never have,” confirming my fears that the story may be too good to be true.

He dated the woman in question in the ’80s, so it makes sense that there would be gnarly polaroids of Cage’s bulging whatever invading her personal space, and not a video because DIY nudes are so yesterday. (Just ask Terry Richardson.) From TMZ:

According to law enforcement, the intimate pics were stolen by a former handyman, who broke into Christina Fulton‘s house in April and jacked four computers and a box of wild photos.

The handyman, Ricardo Orozco, was arrested last month and charged with felony burglary. He’s pled not guilty and is currently being held on $1 MILLION bail.

If they existed they’d be on my screen right now, trust me. I’ve been waiting for this moment since Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.