Alright, Alright, Jessica Simpson’s Baby Maxwell So-And-So is Pretty Cute

Maxwell simpson hairI always wonder if I should make this website all about me and just kind of disguised as a gossip site, or all about celebrities with no mention of my life, or some kind of balance?

Anyway, I apologize for my absence. A lot of bad things are happening to the people I love and I find it very hard to focus on being funny or commenting on the lives of those who can afford good health care and endless plane tickets to Ibiza.

What does this have to do with a photo of Jessica Simpson’s 15-month-old daughter Maxwell? Nothing. Just that she will never have to hear the word “no” because she’s adorable and wealthy with a Nordic, Hitler-approved face.

Shiloh and Suri beware, you’ve got competition.

Jessica Simpson Poses in the Bathroom Mirror After Drinking too Much Beer

Jessica Simpson pregnant bikiniI like to think of this photo of Jessica Simpson as a sequel to the one of her on the toilet.

You all know how I feel about pregnant women, and this one, a bikini-clad Jessica in the mirror pursing her lips together like she’s about to blow 5,0000 candles out on a cake that happens to be inside a paper mill, is no exception.

And even though I know I could fit a cup of Chili and a Frosty from Wendy’s inside that belly button, I’m not going to say anything mean. Anything else that’s mean.

I’d be just as annoyed if it were a partially naked non-pregnant woman taking her own picture with a bejeweled iPhone in the bathroom (no I wouldn’t).

Jessica Simpson Pregnant Just Seven Months After Firstborn Son Maxwell?

Yeehaw, to distact from her dad’s gayness and her sister’s loneliness, Jessica Simpson has gotten herself knocked up again.

At least that’s what Us Weekly is saying.

“It definitely wasn’t planned. But yes, Jessica is pregnant again,” a source tells the mag.

Simpson lost 60 pounds with the help of Weight Watchers and a personal trainer after her son Maxwell was born (in May).  If she is pregnant, we can definitely expect the same full-circle reaction from the press. It goes like this:

1. Hooray she’s having a baby!

2. Woohoo the baby came out alive!

3. Fatty fatty boom boom shakes the earth with hippo footsteps.  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson Pregnant Just Seven Months After Firstborn Son Maxwell?”

Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy

Jessica Simpson‘s mom Tina filed for divorce from Joe Simpson sometime last month after 34 years of marriage due to “discord or conflict of personalities.”

The super unreliable National Enquirer is reporting that the “discord” translates to Joe coming out of the closet to the entire family. According to Radar, 54-year-old Joe doesn’t waste any time…

A source says that he has a “20-something boy toy,” and that they were in fact in the car together on August 4 when Joe was arrested for DUI in California.

You’re telling me the guy who used the word “sexy” three times in one sentence to describe his daughter and  her “double D’s” is actually gay?  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Mom Files For Divorce As Husband Cuddles With 20-Year-Old Cabana Boy”

Jessica Simpson’s Funbags Ahoy!

This is completely asinine. Is there really so little going on in the entertainment world that has to do a feature story on Jessica Simpson’s gigantic tits? Yes, they’ve gotten bigger. Yes, they look ridiculous. At this point she’s basically a sideshow freak. She’s Chelsea Charms (Porn star. Look her up, then vomit.). And let me tell you, no one looks at Chelsea Charms because they think she’s hot. I mean, nothing in the story even alludes to these massive balloons making her attractive at all. The picture they use in the story is totally unflattering.

Does anyone even remember why this clown is famous? She was a singer, right? No, seriously. I don’t remember. If she was I honestly cannot think of a single song of hers that was on the radio. I remember she was on some reality show with her husband that showcased how incredibly vapid and idiotic she was. I seem to recall she was part of the Mickey Mouse Club graduating class that included Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake. And…that’s about it.  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Funbags Ahoy!”

Jessica Simpson As Violet Beauregarde

Jessica Simpson had a baby shower on Sunday but that’s not the interesting part, because babies are never really a highlight of anyone’s day, except for liars.

The thing I love about the photos of her at the shower is her outfit choice, of course. Blue snakeskin, on an inflated clown marble of a lady.

And I’m in a very jokey mood today (thus the Bieber/Kardashian stuff) so I figured it was best to point out how much she resembles Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson As Violet Beauregarde”

I Still Don’t Like Pregnant Nudists, But Nice Try, Jessica

Look man, I’m glad to be alive and I love my mom but if there were people interested in her posing nude during the third semester of pregnancy and she actually agreed to do it, we might not have been on speaking terms from the key parental embarrassment years of ages eight to seventeen.

Jessica Simpson apparently has no woes about such things as she has posed for Elle, following in the chubby fetus-bursting footsteps of Cindy Crawford, Britney Spears, Demi Moore and Claudia Schiffer.

I’m adopted anyway, so I don’t even understand why people keep populating the earth. There are plenty of aggressive Swedish orphans out there waiting for owners. Why not scoop one of those up? Or maybe just mosey on down to the no-kill animal shelter and pick up a Pug, it’ll poop just as much. I promise.

Jessica Simpson Is Lardy, Gassy And ‘Spiritual’

Note to all future mothers: having a child does not mature you, nor does it change your state of mind. For instance, motherhood has not made Jessica Simpson any smarter or more appropriate.

She’s still the same bubbly dimwit that we all love, for the simple fact that she makes us feel like Pulitzer Prize-winners. Lately, Jessica has been Tweeting hints about her farty ways but also telling the truth, like to People Magazine, about how people always lie and tell pregnant women they’re beautiful,

“People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death. I think they just tell pregnant women they’re glowing to make them feel good about themselves.”

J-Simp calls pregnancy “a spiritual thing” because she’s creating a life. Ohhh girl, there must be A LOT of spiritual people out there. No wonder those Teen Moms from MTV are always visiting the Dalai Lama. And Octomom, there’s a painting of her on the ceiling of the Vatican, right?

Continue reading “Jessica Simpson Is Lardy, Gassy And ‘Spiritual’”

Jessica Simpson’s Baby News Upstaged By Kim Kardashian

Did you hear that Jessica Simpson confirmed her completely obvious pregnancy the other day? On Halloween?

Of course not, because Kim Kardashian got divorced that day. Bad news always trumps good news in the celebrity world.

It has Ms. Simpson wondering, “Is this a baby, what I have here?” (In tuna-confusion-voice)

No two million dollars for a People magazine spread covering the announcement, Jess gave her approval to Yahoo’s Omg! along with a picture that was already on her website, where she had originally written, “It’s true! I am going to be a mummy!”

Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Baby News Upstaged By Kim Kardashian”

Jessica Simpson Invades Her Own Privacy

Let’s recap, Jessica Simpson will not confirm her completely obvious pregnancy, reportedly because her father is trolling around magazines for money and a cover story regarding his daughter’s fertility.

You know what she is totally okay with? Besides humiliating herself on television, not because she doesn’t know the difference between chicken and tuna (white meats, neither can fly, totally understandable), but because she married Nick Lachey, who is clearly a commandeered Nordstrom mannequin….

Continue reading “Jessica Simpson Invades Her Own Privacy”

Jessica Simpson Is Ten Kinds Of Pregnant!!

Jessica Simpson has neither confirmed or denied her pregnancy and as far as I’m concerned SHE DOESN’T NEED TO.

It is clearer than Perry and Bieber post-Proactiv that Jessica is ten thousands billion kinds of pregnant. She’s been harboring the seed of Eric Johnson (former 49ers tight end) for at least four months now.

You’re all morons for even wondering if she’s with child, because that belly certainly isn’t the result of an early thanksgiving meal or a significant need to go number two.

Johnson and Simpson have been engaged since November of 2010 but have still not tied the knot. (Probably because she can no longer fit into her cliche Vera Wang body sheath)