The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes

Jessica Chastain goldeng globesWhen it came to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Bill Cosby joke at the Golden Globes, you were either laughing hysterically (Lena Dunham) or completely losing your sh*t (Jessica Chastain). So fun seeing harmless Clooney’s-wife-could-do-better and Meryl Streep-has-a-million-awards jokes turn into I PUT THE PILLS IN THE PEOPLE.

There were of course other funny moments from the monologue which are being a tad overshadowed…

1. Amy, to Frances McDormand: Frances, I love you. Can I just say you’re the only person in this room that I would save in a fire?

2. Tina: George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.

3. Amy: I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape, I don’t want to just see myself up there on the screen.

4. Amy, on Reese Witherspoon in Wild: She did all of her own walking … Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.  Continue reading “The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes”

Little Justin Bieber LOVED Using the N-Word

racist justin bieber video stillWe the blissfully ignorant public have recently learned that between at least the ages of 14 and 15, Justin Bieber had a VERY strong affinity for the n-word…

In two separate videos obtained by TMZ and The Sun, we see a young chuckling Biebs telling a black joke involving a chainsaw and singing the popular church hymn “One Less Lonely N*gger.”

Literally, if I could dip into Justin Bieber’s swear jar I COULD AFFORD TO HIRE AN ASSASSIN TO KILL JUSTIN BIEBER and still be richer than my friends.  Continue reading “Little Justin Bieber LOVED Using the N-Word”

Maid Finds Jennifer Lawrence’s Butt Plug Stash, Pulls Prank

Jennifer Lawrence went on Conan on Wednesday and told a story about the time she encountered a hotel maid with a sense of humor to rival her own.

Apparently Lawrence was gifted “a copious amount of butt plugs” as a joke, but when she tried to hide them this, happened:

So the maid was coming so I was like, ‘Well I’ll just shove this under the bed so she doesn’t see all these butt plugs.’ She might not know they’re for a joke.”

Oh, there’s more.

“Then I came back and all of them were brought out of the bed and were in this beautiful display on my bedside table,” she added. “I think she knew what she was doing. They were under the bed! I wanted to leave a note like, ‘not mine’ or ‘bought as joke.'”

Continue reading “Maid Finds Jennifer Lawrence’s Butt Plug Stash, Pulls Prank”

Mariah Carey Shares Popular Opinion That Nick Cannon’s Music is a Joke

Nick Cannon laughingMariah Carey‘s first born Nick Cannon told reporters at a VMA after-party that his wifey for lifey doesn’t take his music seriously.

She thinks my music is a big joke,” he said, laughing (because people laugh when things are true). “But so do I so it doesn’t matter … My music is silly, you know what I mean, she makes anthems that changes people’s lives.”

While I’d have to argue that “Touch My Body” didn’t exactly cause me to have eye-opening peyote tent visions, it does make his song “Gigolo” from 2003 with R. Kelly look like an even bigger reason to flush and light a match.

Me remembering and even singing the line “I’m a gigolo, spending lots of dough” around my apartment makes me wonder if I qualify for electroshock therapy. Continue reading “Mariah Carey Shares Popular Opinion That Nick Cannon’s Music is a Joke”

Taylor Swift Disses Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Says They’re Going Straight To Hell Without Passing Go

Taylor Swift vanity fairTaylor Swift took it a bit too far when she hit beloved funny-ladies Amy Poehler and Tina Fey with a stone normally reserved for her ex-boyfriends. In the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Taylor (who I THOUGHT had an okay sense of humor) says there’s a special place in hell for the Golden Globe hosts who light-heartedly told her to “stay away” from Michael J. Fox’s son, joking that she “Needs some ‘me time’ to learn about herself.”

“You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people,” Swift told Vanity Fair’s Nancy Jo Sales. “Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’” 

I’d like to randomly mention that the favorited quote about women and fire/brimstone was originally delivered by Madeleine Albright at a WNBA game in 2006. I doubt our former Secretary of State would appreciate it being used maliciously against fellow feminists like Tina Fey.  Continue reading “Taylor Swift Disses Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Says They’re Going Straight To Hell Without Passing Go”

You’re Ridiculous For Thinking Joan Rivers Would Ever Apologize For Anything

Joan Rivers Oscar special 2013Almost nothing irks me more than celebrity apologies. There’s nothing less genuine and more weak than saying you’re sorry for something you meant to do or say. If any one profession is immune to the pressure of releasing cowardly statements through their frantic PR people, it’s comedians.

Here’s a recent joke about Heidi Klum that Joan Rivers has come under fire for after a special Oscars-edition airing of Fashion Police on Monday:

The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens.

Oh no! It’s not like the very funny, very Jewish Joan doesn’t make jokes like this every week. Her favorite topics include WWII, tampons, plastic surgery and obesity…  Continue reading “You’re Ridiculous For Thinking Joan Rivers Would Ever Apologize For Anything”

Jeffrey Ross Dresses Like Joe Paterno, Makes Aurora Massacre Joke

Instead of dressing up as Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky at the Comedy Central roast of Roseanne Barr, he wore the glasses of Joe Paterno.

The veteran insult comedian who was recently named the host of a half-hour show called The Burn with Jeff Ross, has stepped it up. He wore nothing but a leather jacket and revealing black underwear to 2010’s David Hasselhoff roast.

On this year’s getup, he cleverly told the Hollywood Reporter“If they’re offended by what they see, they can do what Joe Paterno did – look the other way.” 

Continue reading “Jeffrey Ross Dresses Like Joe Paterno, Makes Aurora Massacre Joke”

Dane Cook Makes Joke At Expense Of Colorado Shooting Victims And ‘The Dark Knight Rises’

Dane Cook made me laugh in his Comedy Central Presents special from 2000. Since then, I chuckled at the movie Waiting… which he is in, though it was mostly at Anna Faris. He was also surprisingly okay alongside Kevin Costner in Mr. Brooks.

I haven’t thought much about Dane Cook since Mr. Brooks except that when Daniel Tosh made that crappy rape joke at the Laugh Factory I heard he was lurking in a shadow somewhere nearby.

Now that Cook is making untimely jokes about the Aurora theater shooting I can no longer ignore his existence as a formerly overrated comedian who was finally getting the amount of attention he deserved (barely any).  Continue reading “Dane Cook Makes Joke At Expense Of Colorado Shooting Victims And ‘The Dark Knight Rises’”

Daniel Tosh Makes Rape Joke At Heckler’s Expense Then Apologizes, Poorly

A female audience member at a Daniel Tosh (host of Comedy Central’s Tosh.0) set took offense to a rape joke and in turn was humiliated beyond the call of duty.

A friend of the woman wrote in detail about the incident on her blog:

“I yelled out, ‘Actually, rape jokes are never funny!’ I did it because, even though being ‘disruptive’ is against my nature, I felt that sitting there and saying nothing, or leaving quietly, would have been against my values as a person and as a woman.

I don’t sit there while someone tells me how I should feel about something as profound and damaging as rape.  After I called out to him, Tosh paused for a moment. 

Then, he says, ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…’”  Continue reading “Daniel Tosh Makes Rape Joke At Heckler’s Expense Then Apologizes, Poorly”

Thanks For The Laughs, Trader Joe’s

So, as usual, I peer into my refrigerator like it is a crystal ball of future diabetes yesterday morning and see this yogurt staring back at me and think it’s regular vanilla but am instantly confused by the banana clip art.

I scan the label one more time and see that it is in fact, Trader Joe’s “Vanana,” which is the best name for pre-op (or post?) lady parts that I never previously thought of.

Try using it in a sentence. “Whoa, my vanana is really itchy today.” Or, “Hey Sally, your vanana looks so shiny and rejuvenated, what is your secret?”

Despite the humor, it’s quite, umm, I can’t say it with a straight face. But this PRODUCT is quite tasty if not a tad too… watery. Oh dear.

Continue reading “Thanks For The Laughs, Trader Joe’s”

The Most Inappropriate Kardashian TV Moment Ever?

“Inappropriate” and “Kardashian” in one sentence feels like a very redundant oxymoron. Anyone who watches the show knows this is one weird family, and I’m not talking about brains or selfishness.

The sisters (and Rob) are constantly de-pantsing and groping each other while talking in detail about sex and every other thing I would never consider discussing with my family.

On the finale of Khloe & Lamar, Khloe considers getting a DNA test to find out is she is in fact Robert Kardashian’s biological daughter.  Continue reading “The Most Inappropriate Kardashian TV Moment Ever?”

Olivia Munn Pokes [More] Fun At Nudey Scandal

Olivia Munn may be overconfident and overexposed and possibly a liar (her book was partially fabricated) but she has a sense of humor that is perhaps underappreciated.

At the SXSW screening of The Babymakers co-starring Aisha Tyler and Munn (about a husband who attempts to rob a sperm bank after realizing he’s infertile) she had director Jay Chandrasekha read a letter to audience members.

The bottom half of the letter (which she later posted online with the featured picture) is another jab at anyone who may have believed those naked photos were real.

“I pray this letter finds you well and God keeps you safe. Oh, and one last thing – Some of those pictures weren’t even me. I mean, you can’t even see my penis… and it’s pretty big for an Asian. Sheesh.”  Continue reading “Olivia Munn Pokes [More] Fun At Nudey Scandal”