Juliette Binoche Pines After Kristen Stewart in ‘Clouds of Sils Maria’ Trailer

Over the weekend, audiences at Cannes were pleasantly surprised by Clouds of Sils Maria starring Juliette Binoche as over-40 actress Maria Enders and Kristen Stewart as her assistant and only friend.

Enders’ career is revived when she is offered a role in a new version of the play that made her famous. The twist is that it’s not the role she played in her youth, but instead that of a woman who is driven to suicide by a younger employee.
Enders struggles to com to terms with reality as she realizes the actress filling her shoes (Chloë Grace Moretz) is an “unsettling reflection of herself.”  Continue reading “Juliette Binoche Pines After Kristen Stewart in ‘Clouds of Sils Maria’ Trailer”

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are Done, Over, Finita etc.

Robert Pattinson moving outRobert Pattinson stuffed his favorite grease-stained band tees, guitar picks and biscuits into some Glad trash bags and drove his beard and dogs away from Kristen Stewart’s home in Los Feliz.

(The Spanish-to-English translation of Los Feliz is “The Happy.” Ironic huh?)

Nobody knows exactly why these two split up for the second or third or bajillionth time, but everyone likes to guess. If a bird poops in the air enough he’s bound to hit his target (human female hair) eventually, right?

Certain TMZ employees (and maybe other randoms) think they only got back together for publicity and are splitting now because Breaking Dawn Part 2 is out on DVD. That theory is terrible because the movie came out two months ago.

Others aren’t sure if he was actually moving out or just taking some crap to Goodwill…  Continue reading “Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are Done, Over, Finita etc.”

Kristen Stewart and Tom Cruise are the Shiftiest Minxes in Hollywood

Kristen Stewart frustratedKristen Stewart is the quiet girl in the corner who scribbles your name in a death note, according to a Reader’s Digest poll that required 1,000 people to vote on which actors and actresses they trust the least.

Tom Cruise, the whacky homeschooled boy who befriends you so he can probe your ass with pointy alien artifacts, also topped the list of untrustworthy names in Hollywood.

In the realm of meaningless popularity contests that I don’t trust, I’d say this list ranks pretty high.

Not trusting someone because of their religion is like not trusting someone because they’re gay. Worried Tom Cruise will jump on a sofa and lure you into his spaceship? How about you just NOT become a Scientologist.

Kristen Stewart was hated long before she cheated on Robert Pattinson. She’s a monster because she’s shy, can’t walk in heels, and has been known to complain about fame.

Why the f*ck isn’t Mel Gibson on this list? He’s racist, sexist and anti-semitic…  Continue reading “Kristen Stewart and Tom Cruise are the Shiftiest Minxes in Hollywood”

Best and Worst Dressed at the 2013 Met Gala

beyonce-met-gala 2013
Does the Met Gala serve a purpose, besides as a platform for celebs to outdo each other with extravagant designer gowns doused in gems that cost more than a box of black market livers?

WHO CARES. Look at the gold Givenchy dress Beyonce wore and weep poor-person tears.
Miley Cyrus Met Gala 2012Kristen Stewart Met Gala 2013
WORST: Miley Cyrus (in meshy Marc Jacobs) and Kristen Stewart (in Stella McCartney).

Red pajamas and hair like Angelica’s Rugrats doll? It’s not their fault. Everyone at the ball dressed like a urinal at CBGB because it was the opening of the PUNK: Chaos to Couture exhibition.
Rooney Mara GivenchyTaylor Swift Met Gala 2013
BEST: Rooney Mara (in Givenchy) and Taylor Swift (in J. Mendel). CLICK for more insane dresses…

10 Sexy Photos of MenKind’s ‘Least Sexy Actresses’

Uma Thurman sexy 2
British men who aren’t Robert Pattinson voted Kristen Stewart the “least sexy actress” in Hollywood along with Lindsay Lohan, Uma Thurman, Sarah Jessica Parker and other unfortunate souls.

I’ve always thought Kristen Stewart was sexy in that dirty-pile-of-laundry, hang-you-from-the-ceiling-and-whip-you-with-butt-plugs type of way.

But clearly I’m not a man from England and my opinion is more meaningless than MenKind’s list.

Continue reading “10 Sexy Photos of MenKind’s ‘Least Sexy Actresses’”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-31-13]

Kristen Stewart eye bagsKristen Stewart says “dancing is harder than being naked” in special issue of W. (Just Jared)

No more Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy. 30 Rock series finale airs tonight. (Grouchy Muffin)

Entourage movie is a go. Get ready to see Turtle’s hat and Piven’s plugs in 3D. (Deadline)

Hacker group calling themselves “Nazi Gods” claim to have taken down Amazon. (Gizmodo)

Justin Bieber loves Nerf guns, grabbing boobs and standing on the porch. (ohmyGAHH!)

Lindsay’s brother Landon Lohan is a Major in the army of No Chance. (NY Daily News)

Brandi Glanville talks about her ex-husband’s limp noodle in her new bestseller.  (Evil Beet)

Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3

Jimmy Kimmel released his third “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” segment on Tuesday to commemorate the six-year anniversary of Twitter existing.

The first two featured recent guests like Justin Bieber, Anna Faris, Snooki, Kristen Stewart and Katy Perry reading grammatically questionable Tweets attacking their character, appearance, and/or career.

Continue reading “Funny Video: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #3”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-2-13]

Kristen Stewart Mary's Strip ClubKristen Stewart makes owner of Mary’s Strip Club in Portland very happy. (Celebuzz)

Glee creator Ryan Murphy‘s baby, Logan Phineas Miller, looks just like him. (People)

Adam Lambert: a year in gifs/12 things you did or did not know. (ohmyGAHH!)

Paparazzi killed while chasing Ferrari belonging to Justin Bieber. (TMZ)

Lindsay Lohan broke her no-drinking resolution to party with Dina. (Radar)

American Idol winner Fantasia tolerates (but doesn’t approve of) the gays. (Gawker)

Rob Kardashian disses hobag sisters for having children before marriage. (Daily Mail)

Twisted Flashback: 5 Most Memorable Celebrity Moments of 2012

Biggest stories of 2012 I like to reminisce about all sorts of thing…. the time I ate a pizza that could easily have fed three John Goodmans, that other time I stepped in a red ant nest and vowed to never put on a dress again, and all the times celebrities wore dresses but forgot underwear.

(Anne Hathaway, thank you for showing me that vaginas can look just as anorexic as collar bones).

Continue reading “Twisted Flashback: 5 Most Memorable Celebrity Moments of 2012”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-14-12]

Kristen Stewart see-through dressesWhich see-through Kristen Stewart dress do you like best? Disperse and discuss. (Celebuzz)

Hugh Grant banned from The Daily Show for being “a big pain in the ass.” (Yahoo!)

Male Kardashian found a new victim to impregnate raw. (Wetpaint)

Avril Lavigne covers “How You Remind Me” for a soundtrack I won’t be buying. (ohmyGAHH!)

Eagles block their own punt in atrocious Thursday night game in Philly. (Deadspin)

Daniel Radcliffe comes out of sobriety for late-night Jäger and Dusty Springfield. (Inquisitr)

“Michael [Douglas] was a wonderful kisser.”Matt Damon, on filming the Liberace movie. (ONTD)

Tabloids Privy to Kristen Stewart’s Master Plan to Become Hollywood’s Most Hated Woman

In Touch reports that Kristen Stewart, who went through hell after kissing a married 41-year-old director in a car, is likely to seduce Ben Affleck on the set of movie (Focus) that she hasn’t even been confirmed to star in.

“She’s moving on – to steamy sex scenes with Ben Affleck. Why Jennifer Garner should be very, very worried” the attention-grabbing headline reads.

Remember when Jack in the Box actually became safer to eat at after all those kids died of E. coli in 1993? The same goes for Kristen. And it’s not like she was ever sitting around gnawing on her hair, pointing her Converse at every penis-having human that walked past her trailer.

Everyone forgave Angelina Jolie when she made out with her brother and stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston because they consider her to be beautiful and a talented actress.  Continue reading “Tabloids Privy to Kristen Stewart’s Master Plan to Become Hollywood’s Most Hated Woman”

Miley Has a Celebrity #girlcrush

Miley Cyrus‘ newfangled haircut may have earned her many a new fan in the lady-loving rainbow community, but who does Cyrus find attractive in Hollywood besides Liam Hemsworth?

Surprise – it’s the most number one most disliked actress in America – Kristen Stewart! A day after Breaking Dawn‘s release, Miley tweeted:

“K Stew keeps getting better! ughhh this look is soooo goooood! ❤#girlcrush.”

This was accompanied by a photo of Stewart in a black mesh dress at the London premiere of Twilight’s final film. I guess Billy Ray’s seed will have to find a way to collaborate her.

Last minute On The Road soundtrack entry? Charity event? Robert, Kristen, Miley, Katy Perry, Liam, and Kelly Osbourne gangbang?

Continue reading “Miley Has a Celebrity #girlcrush”

Bella Makes Her Final Kristen Stewart Face – ‘Breaking Dawn Part 2’ is Over

On Sunday I dragged my withered tuckus to a matinée of Breaking Dawn – Part 2.

I saw the past three movies in the theater (New Moon made Eclipse look like it was based on a Pulitzer finalist) and therefore felt obligated to see the final installment.

Yes I like the series, no I don’t like admitting it.

I stopped reading the books after Jacob made Bella’s baby his future wife using only his eyes. It was very monarchical, and maybe the last misguided-stab-at-romance straw. But that’s what Twilight is, right?  Continue reading “Bella Makes Her Final Kristen Stewart Face – ‘Breaking Dawn Part 2’ is Over”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-13-12]

Kristen Stewart wears see-through dress to the premiere of the last Twilight movie. (Gawker)

Redheads have more fun, especially when they dye their hair with spaghetti sauce. (Evil Beet)

Kelly Clarkson loses breath for new inevitable hit song/music video. (ohmyGAHH!)

Dog didn’t want Lea Michele to get tan, peed on her leg. (Hollywood.com)

James Bond says dirty Rihanna would make a better Bond girl than Beyonce(E! Online)

3D One Direction concert film coming in late summer, 2013. (Huffington Post)

New diet: THE FANTINE: how Anne Hathaway lost 25 pounds to play a 19th century hooker. (Jezebel)

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson Don’t Care That You’re Sick Of Hearing About Them

Kristen Stewart flashed her armpits at Robert Pattinson after having lunch with him and friends in Hollywood on Monday.

So we can put this discussion away forever right? The constant wondering if they’re back together and why isn’t he dating your Twihard ass instead of her.

They were also spotted by TMZ celebrity birdwatcher types having drinks at the hipstery Ye Rustic Inn pub on Sunday.

Can you imagine Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson walking in to the bar you’re in? Get over the initial shock of seeing two very famous people and think of yourself and your needs.  Continue reading “Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson Don’t Care That You’re Sick Of Hearing About Them”

Kristen Stewart’s Topless Scene From ‘On The Road’ (NSFW)

Nudity in movies can either be seen as desperate or artsy, sometimes both.

Many might call Kristen Stewart‘s topless handjob scene in Walter Salles’ adaptation of Kerouac’s On The Road desperate because it arrives after her cheating scandal, which was really just another excuse for people who already hated Kristen Stewart to hate her more.  Continue reading “Kristen Stewart’s Topless Scene From ‘On The Road’ (NSFW)”

Here Are Some Creepy, Predatory Things Rupert Sanders Said About Kristen Stewart

We haven’t heard from or seen much of Snow White And The Huntsman director Rupert Sanders since he publicly apologized for having an affair with Kristen Stewart.

Here are some really eyebrow-raising things he said about Kristen in an interview (conducted before the scandal) with Vogue UK.

It’s kind of what you’d expect a really inappropriately enamored 41-year-old to say about a 22-year-old-girl…

“She’d burnt her lower pelvis area, quite low down. She was bandaging a bad burn there, in her very tight jeans, with a Camel clamped between her teeth. That was my very first image of her.”

“She’s got this masculine edge. She’s like this beautiful tomboy or something. What surprised me most when I met Kristen was how unlike the character of Bella Swan she was in real life.”  Continue reading “Here Are Some Creepy, Predatory Things Rupert Sanders Said About Kristen Stewart”