Jennifer Lawrence’s Legal Team, Like All Legal Teams, Are Total Assholes

So I got an email today from Jennifer Lawrence’s lawyer and I also stepped in poop. The poop thing is obviously much worse, but not really a story.

The email stated that I need to remove a completely censored image of Jennifer, one of the many from her widespread hacked nude photo scandal and also my entire article.

Let me just say that, like my fat cat Raisin (the one whose poop I stepped in), her lawyers are sweet but also completely misguided and derpy. Believing they can actually stop the photos from being shared and seen leads me to believe that – also like Raisin – THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE INTERNET WORKS.  Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence’s Legal Team, Like All Legal Teams, Are Total Assholes”

Chris Brown Sentenced to Jail Time That he Won’t Really Have to Serve

Chris Brown court 2014Le sigh. All-around sh*tty human being Chris Brown was just sentenced to 131 days, but due to overcrowding and confusing legal logistics, his lawyer thinks he’ll be out by Monday.

Brown pleaded guilty to violating his probation to speed up the process of being a free man who will most definitely continue to assault men and women and basically all living things.

He seems like the type to pull the wings off butterflies and dropkick newborn pandas, but judges and juries can’t be bothered with such things. Judges and juries care about what kind of sandwiches they’ll be able to eat on break and getting off work ASAP so they can go home and fall asleep to Dog the Bounty Hunter marathons. Via CNN:

“I would expect that Chris should be out of jail before the weekend’s up or before Monday,” Geragos said after the hearing. “If he isn’t out by Monday, then I would expect he’s getting special treatment. He’s got over 230 days credit on a 365 and generally the sheriff is releasing on a lot less than that.”

Brown’s probation for the 2009 beating of ex-girlfriend Rihanna was revoked after his arrest in connection to a misdemeanor assault charge out of Washington

Dream-shatterers! My vision of him being taken from behind by a man with a hairy back isn’t being realized. I haven’t felt this empty since grocery stores stopped carrying New York Seltzer and Orange Slice…

George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989

George Clooney Amal Alamuddin vacationThe last time George Clooney was married, he was famous enough for TV movies, Roseanne and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

And what makes Amal Alamuddin aka Anal Aladdinthe woman he’s decided to settle down with, different from Elisabetta Canalis, Stacy Keibler and the other waitresses and aspiring dancer-models Clooney recruits as dual companions and sperm depositories for two years at a time?

She’s smart, for one. A bilingual British writer and lawyer with a high-profile clients like Julian Assange. (The main draw is the secret Crown Royal spigot implanted in her spine.)

Alamuddin’s law firm, along with his blabbermouth mother and father, are to blame for leaking the engagement news.  Continue reading “George Clooney Put a Ring on the Girl he’s Penetrating for the First Time Since 1989”

Chad Johnson’s Bromantic Butt Slap is no Big Deal

Chad Johnson lawyer butt slapWhat’s going on in the world of sports besides the NBA playoffs and Tebow possibly signing with the Patriots?

Well, Bengals cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones punched a woman for throwing a drink at him, and free agent Chad Johnson got in trouble for slapping his male lawyer’s ass at a probation violation hearing.

Jones pleaded not guilty (even though TMZ has a surveillance video), and Johnson is currently trying to talk his way out of a 30 day jail sentence because he made the whole courtroom chuckle.

“I don’t know that you’re taking this whole thing seriously,” the honorable judge so-and-so said. “I just saw you slap your attorney on the backside. Is there something funny about what’s going on here today?” 

Continue reading “Chad Johnson’s Bromantic Butt Slap is no Big Deal”

Hide the Autistic Children, Hide Them All!

Lindsay Lohan court Lindsay Lohan‘s new, extra-incompetent representative and proud graduate of Mickey’s Offbrand Toontown Law School in Disneyland Bratislava reportedly told the press that his client was on her way to a New York school for autistic children.

Withered lawyer potato Mark Heller would not disclose the name of the school or the exact location, so there’s no way for us to fly to the East Coast and intercept her attempts to corrupt and frighten developmentally disabled kids with her venomous words and facial creases.

They’re autistic, not deaf and blind. What school would even allow Lindsay Lohan to enter their premises?  Continue reading “Hide the Autistic Children, Hide Them All!”

LeAnn Rimes In A Facility For ‘Emotional Issues’ Relating To Cyber-Bullying

Country singer LeAnn Rimes is having trouble dealing with the stress of fame, particularly those who would call her out for having an extramarital affair with D-list actor Eddie Cibrian.

Cibrian, Rimes’ current husband, was married to F-list model Brandi Glanville (who later joined the cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) when they began their relationship, and Rimes has unraveled at the public’s constant “homewrecker” nagging since 2009.

If the weight loss wasn’t a big enough sign, LeAnn is now in a non-traditional rehab-like facility to help her cope with adversity.

TMZ is reporting that she is allowed to leave on weekends, and use the phone.

Continue reading “LeAnn Rimes In A Facility For ‘Emotional Issues’ Relating To Cyber-Bullying”

Alleged Dominatrix Suspended From NY Attorney Job

Alisha Smith, 36, an assistant attorney general in New York was suspended from her job for possibly having an after hours secret.

The NY Post cited claims that Smith is a well-known BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Submission And Masochism) performer who goes by the name “Alisha Spark.”

Alisha Clare “Spark” Smith may have made a crucial error when she gave certain sex product advice on Twitter, to her friend and well-known dominatrix, “Jade Vixen” aka Edythe Maa.

As a lawyer for the Manhattan Investor Protection Bureau, Smith has worked on lawsuits against companies like Bank of America, winning an estimated $5 billion in total against various banks…

Continue reading “Alleged Dominatrix Suspended From NY Attorney Job”

Outkast’s Big Boi Arrested On Crazy Drug Charges

One part of Outkast was arrested today in Miami and charged with one count of paraphernalia possession and three counts of controlled substance possession. 36 year old Antwan Patton aka Big Boi was booked at about 1:30 pm  on a $16,000 bond, according to the Florida authorities.

The real juice here is the drugs he had on him, which were found by customs/border patrol dogs. MDMA powder (crushed ectascy) ecstasy tablets AND unprescribed viagra. Whoa. Boi likes to partyyyyy. Apparently while “rolling” with a boner. Ouch.

The contraband was found in his luggage. And his lawyer, Daniel Kane, already issued a statement on his client’s behalf:

“While Big Boi was traveling with his group and friends, a small amount of contraband was found in the collective luggage…I am confident when the entire facts are aired Big Boi will be completely exonerated.”

Hmmmm… Hopefully this won’t impact that new Outkast material with Andre 3000 we’ve been hearing about.