Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar

Justin bieber squintingFor the first time in his pitiful existence, Justin Bieber is getting our hopes up by mentioning his impending retirement. In the wake of his sh*tty album and sh*tty new movie, Justin has announced that he is “officially retiring.”

(And sh*tty publicity, i.e. driving under the influence of apple juice and chocolate milk God knows what, calling a young girl a “beached whale,” and generally being a manorexic, pedostache-having toolbox with a terribly mismatched 11″ ego and pencil dick.)

Alas, seeing that Justin is a supernatural tween magnet twenty times more powerful than One Direction, ‘N Sync, Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block combined, it is unlikely that this is actually going to happen. I doubt that he can be killed with fire or anything else, and I foresee him coming back like a particularly aggressive case of psoriasis or anal warts.

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Are We Monsters For Wondering if Wade Robson Was Really One of Michael Jackson’s Victims?

Wade Robson Today ShowWhen I first heard that ‘N Sync/Britney choreographer Wade Robson was suing Michael Jackson’s estate, I thought, on the off-chance that he wasn’t an attention-seeking liar, he should have spoken up before Michael died.

I now feel kind of bad for thinking that, because, despite being cleared of charges, we know Michael Jackson molested kids just like we know O.J. killed Nicole. (Wade made sure to reminds us of that on The Today Show, where he called his alleged aggressor a “pedophile” and a “child sexual abuser.”)

We also know that Robson spent time with Michael as a child. So why wouldn’t we believe him? Is it the timing, or the fact that he denied wrongdoing and testified not against but for Michael Jackson in 2005?

Maybe a combination of both. But that’s stupid because we know that victims often come out years after abuse occurs. And you’d think the safest time would be after their abuser was dead, right?

“In order to heal, I have to speak the truth and speak the whole truth,” Robson told Matt Lauer.

If he is lying, he’s a horrible person. If he’s not, we’re all horrible people for calling him a liar.

I think he might be telling the truth. I just don’t know why telling the public and bringing Jackson’s remaining family members into it is part of the healing process. What do you think?