Video: Britney Spears – “Perfume”

Britney’s new single almost has better lyrics than “Phonography” from Circus (“I like my bluetooth, buttons comin’ loose”) and “Email My Heart” (self-explanatory) from …Baby One More Time.

In “Perfume” Britney is the other woman, singing “I hope she smells my perfume” and “I want it all over you, I’m gonna mark my territory.” All because of some bitch named Cindy.
Britney Spears Perfume still 1
OF COURSE Britney strips down to sexy granny panties and sprays Fantasy all over her stomach.

Sky Ferreira, I Love You, But WTF is ‘Omanko’ About?

Sky Ferreira wtfI’ve been pretty into Sky Ferreira since her As If EP and since her highly anticipated full-length album Night Time, My Time just dropped, I figure I’d take a second to talk about the non-single “Omanko.”

“Omanko,” a Japanese slang word for vagina, contains only a handful of lyrics, mainly “Oh, Japanese Jesus” and “I’m gearing up for a Japanese Christmas,” officially making it one of the weirdest pop songs ever.

So now that I/we SORT of know what it’s about, the question is WHY, Sky, why?

I don’t know much about her as a person besides that she’s a favorite of Terry Richardson and industry idols like Shirley Manson, but perhaps the heroin and ecstasy arrest earlier this year can help explain the incoherent weirdness. Continue reading “Sky Ferreira, I Love You, But WTF is ‘Omanko’ About?”

Just How Offensive are Kanye’s ‘New Slaves’ Lyrics?

Kanye West SNL 2013Kanye West performed two new songs from his upcoming album, Yeezuson Saturday Night Live last weekend.

One, “Black Skinhead” sounded oddly like a darker version of the non-Ke$ha rap part of Flo Rida’s “Right Round.”

The other, “New Slaves,” is Kanye’s hateful ode to capitalistic society, injustice, and the paparazzi.

For shock value, Kanye draws a few ridiculous comparisons to celebrity and slavery.

“I’ll move my family out the country so you can’t see where I stay, so go grab the reporters so I can smash their recorders” he sings.

CLICK FOR MORE about what a drag eating gold and owning flying ponies is….

Drown Yourself in a Tub of Bronzer to Tan Mom’s Song

Tanning Mom songDirt-faced street peasant Patricia Krentcil, also known as “Tan Mom,” lurched and rubbed her brown body all over the recording studio to create a new song with the standard issue auto-tuned chorus.

In “It’s Tan Mom,” Krentcil tells us that she’s the sexiest fame-whore mom in the world of Z-list fame-whore moms. “Sexier” than porn star/Teen Mom Farrah Abraham and “hotter” than Octomom, she says.

Here are some lyrics by (or written for) the New Jersey potato skin:

“My name is Tan Mom. Tanning is the bomb.”

“I’ll be in not a tanning booth but outside with the birds. No, that doesn’t work, forget the birds.”

“I’ve got a message to use protection from the sun. Hahahaha.”  Mo’ intellectual wordthings…

That One Guy From Ace Of Base was in a Nazi Band but he Regrets it now so it’s Okay

Ace of Base naziHardcore Ace of Base fans and casual listeners may or may not have heard the rumors about songwriter/vocalist Ulf “Buddha” Ekberg.

Ekberg, the weird guy who rap-talks in “Don’t Turn Around” in that way that only men of the ’90s could (also a judge on Swedish Idol in 2009), was long thought to have been in some sort of skinhead band in Sweden during his youth.

Even though he denounced those views in 1997, a recent article with pictures of him doing a Nazi salute and disturbing lyrics from a song by his former band, Commit Suicide, has caused him to released a statement clarifying that he deeply regrets spending time with certain individuals in the ’80s.

“I’m truly deeply sorry for any hurt and disappointment this has caused for our fans,” he said in a statement to Huffington Post. “I want to be very clear that Ace of Base never shared any of these opinions and strongly oppose all extremist opinions on both the right and left wing.”  Continue reading “That One Guy From Ace Of Base was in a Nazi Band but he Regrets it now so it’s Okay”

‘I Can Never Ever Keep My Legs Together’ is the Hands-Down Best Song Parody of 2013

Taylor Swift surprise faces I’m not usually fond of excessive Taylor Swift slut jokes because I choose to believe that she’s a prude who won’t let dudes go past second base unless they stand outside her house with a boombox like John Cusack in Say Anything, but the “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” parody is too funny to pass up.

The song (I’ll give you a melted Rolo if you find me the name of the singer/writer), re-named “I Can Never Ever Keep My Legs Together,” debuted on the Stern Show in February with little to no response from the public or media.

Put your hand over your heart, pledge allegiance to Howard Stern and give me four melted Rolos for painstakingly writing down the lyrics. (Sing the chorus to your favorite hobag.)

Continue reading “‘I Can Never Ever Keep My Legs Together’ is the Hands-Down Best Song Parody of 2013”

Justin Timberlake’s New Song ‘Suit & Tie’ is Rubbish

Justin Timberlake middle fingerI’ve loved Justin Timberlake ever since I found out there was an alternative to the Backstreet Boys. I put up with his cornrows, cross tattoo, and matching denim cowboy hat and jacket because I knew he would always bring me joy with his luscious musical talents and kind blue eyes, but now I see that his recent marriage to Jessica Biel has rusted his gift, and something must be done!

Though I’m positive that the new song, “Suit & Tie” featuring Jay-Z, is a rushed, throwaway b-side track to appease the fans and by no means a gauge of what the album he’s working on (The 20/20 Experiencewill be like, I also know as a longtime Timberlake fan that it’s the fault of his current girlfriend, or in this case, wife.

Continue reading “Justin Timberlake’s New Song ‘Suit & Tie’ is Rubbish”

Ke$ha Snubs ‘Die Young,’ Says She Was Forced (But Not At Gunpoint) To Sing The Lyrics

Ke$ha gunKe$ha once called her greasy sophomore album, Warrior, “really positive, really raw, really vulnerable and about the magic of life,” and said that she rewrote the lead single “ten times” before deciding on the current version.

Now she’s singing a different auto-tune, denouncing “Die Young” after hearing that it had been pulled from radio stations because the lyrics could be considered insensitive to the families of the 6 and 7 year-olds lost in Newtown, Connecticut.

“I understand. I had my very own issue with ‘die young’ for this reason, I did NOT want to sing those lyrics and I was FORCED TO,” Ke$ha tweetedContinue reading “Ke$ha Snubs ‘Die Young,’ Says She Was Forced (But Not At Gunpoint) To Sing The Lyrics”

Nicki Minaj Torches Barber Shop And Goes Down On Cassie For “The Boys”

The latest Nicki Minaj video has the cotton-candy loving, Mariah Carey-hating Oompa Loompa bouncing on exercise balls and hanging out in her bikini in a Campagna T-Rex.

You can thank Miley Cyrus, Dev, Eva Simons, Robyn and Bad Boy alum Cassie for setting off lesbian gaydars worldwide with faux hawks, side-shaves, bowls and wife-beaters.

Nicki does the heavy lifting, torching a barber shop with a flame thrower and singing about vag juice while Cassie distracts men with paint rollers. Then there’s a polka dot room, a vespa and dancing queens with pink umbrellas.  Continue reading “Nicki Minaj Torches Barber Shop And Goes Down On Cassie For “The Boys””

Many Will Die As Octomom’s Music Comes Alive

I don’t know why people are so negative about Nadya Suleman‘s music career. Don’t you need to start with positivity, to be let down?

TMZ released a clip of her new single “Sexy Party,” which begs the question, what would a sexy party with Octomom even be?

It seems like instead of a potluck, she’d have you bring Tupperware containers full of sperm. Then she’d make everyone take turns babysitting while she went into the other room with the turkey baster, yelling through the door at you about bankruptcy.

For a woman who has “zero sexual interest” she sure does a lot of sex-related things. Riding Stern’s Sybian, stripping, masturbation porn, singing Ke$ha-style songs about sexy parties.  Continue reading “Many Will Die As Octomom’s Music Comes Alive”

Hey Lana Del Rey, Don’t Forget That ‘Heart-Shaped Box’ Is About Courtney Love’s Vagina

Courtney Love wants Lana Del Rey to stop singing about her vagina. And that’s exactly what Courtney thinks Lana was doing when she covered Nirvana’s “Heart Shaped Box” at a concert in Sydney last Friday night.

Love, who is famous for her Twitter rants, took to the popular social media platform to tell Lana what’s up (the purpose of these Tweets are still not known to me or anyone else).

“You do know the song is about my Vagina right? ‘Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back umm… On top of which some of the lyrics about my vagina, I contributed.”  Continue reading “Hey Lana Del Rey, Don’t Forget That ‘Heart-Shaped Box’ Is About Courtney Love’s Vagina”

John Mayer Was Utterly ‘Humiliated’ By A Taylor Swift Song, Wimp Status: Confirmed (Still)

John Mayer told Rolling Stone that the song Taylor Swift wrote about him, 2010’s “Dear John,” made him feel like fly-covered shit.

“It made me feel terrible” he told the magazine“Because I didn’t deserve it. I’m pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do.”

“I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I’d already been dressed down.”

“I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you’ve ever been, someone kicked you even lower?”  Continue reading “John Mayer Was Utterly ‘Humiliated’ By A Taylor Swift Song, Wimp Status: Confirmed (Still)”

Serena Williams, Are You Really Rapping?

Tennis superstar and diva extraordinaire (think of all the negative connotations of the word “diva”) Serena Williams has a new rap song and one of the lyrics is, “They be like, Serena is you really rapping?”

I’m just too white and self-conscious to type “is” instead of “are” in a headline.

Now, TMZ, who uncovered the story seem to think this “ain’t half bad” (apparently they’re less white and worried than I) but I disagree.

I’ll admit her rapping skills at their core are surprisingly okay but the song in terms of music and lyrics, is bad.

And not Michael Jackson “Bad,” Color Me Badd. Here are some lines from the leaked snippet:

Continue reading “Serena Williams, Are You Really Rapping?”

Video: Cold Specks – “Blank Maps”

You could watch Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend” video, or this. Warning: the lyrics of “Boyfriend” will cause instant death, an electric shock that stops your heart (imagine that the really big fence in Jurassic Park actually worked).

Cold Specks’ “Blank Maps” [will not kill you] Lyrics: “Every map is blank, when my words head for the cracks, will you have my back?”

Justin Bieber “Boyfriend” [fatalities occur In 99.9% of males and 79% of females] Lyrics: “Chillin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue.”  Continue reading “Video: Cold Specks – “Blank Maps””

Paris Hilton Drunk Texting Talk, Set To Music

I’m very surprised that a video of Paris Hilton speaking breathy words about alcoholic texting sessions exists. She’s normally so demure and tight-lipped in her chainmail turtlenecks and floor-length wool skirts.

If you didn’t see (or, more importantly, hear) “Drunk Text” which is over a year old and NOT her new single, despite rumors, you’re missing out. Actually you’re really not, reading the lyrics is much more enjoyable.

Here are some of them, broken up to highlight, umm, importance.  Continue reading “Paris Hilton Drunk Texting Talk, Set To Music”

The Ten Most Shocking Britney Spears Lyrics

Britney Spears and her team of songwriters (Max Martin and the like) are masterminds at writing extremely provocative pop songs accompanied by distractingly radio friendly music.

Ever since her cultural birth in 1998 she’s pushed the boundaries of her handcrafted virginal image with song content, live shows and videos – all injected with heavy doses of unsubtle sexuality.

Ever since “Email My Heart” I’ve been thinking about how absurd and hilarious her music really is. She didn’t begin to truly “shock” the bubblegum crowd until her third CD, Britney, where she took a noteworthy but juvenile stab at swearing. (“Hell” on “I’m a Slave For You”)

Continue reading “The Ten Most Shocking Britney Spears Lyrics”

Let’s Talk About Rihanna’s Leaky New Album

Rihanna’s new CD, Talk That Talk, was leaked yesterday in all its standard edition glory, and seems okay. I think I like it about as much as I liked Loud when I first heard it, which is not much at all. Sadly there’s absolutely nothing as catchy as “Only Girl (In The World) or “S&M.”

There’s two noticeably strange things about it, the intro track (at least I think it’s the intro, these songs may be out of order) “Birthday Cake”  is a minute and 18 seconds long yet manages to stick in my head for the lines,

“It’s not even my birthday/But he want to lick the icing off/I know you want it in the worst way/Can’t wait to blow my candles out/He want that cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake.” 

Continue reading “Let’s Talk About Rihanna’s Leaky New Album”