I Refuse to Believe (or Care) that Mariah Carey Can’t Sing Anymore

The internet is abuzz with news that Mariah Carey has absolutely no ability to sing live after a disastrous televised performance at Rockefeller Center.

I’ll admit that the “true-ue-ue-ue” part of “All I Want For Christmas” sans music sounds like a downed bird being repeatedly stepped and unstepped on, but talent is not something you simply lose one day like a coin in a couch cushion.

I am of the slightly unpopular opinion that Mariah is the best female singer of my generation (suck it, Beyoncé) and would like to defend her honor by saying that she’s no dummy. She made it through the rain with multiple personalities, Glitter and a mustache in Precious. I say she’s pretending to suck so she can make another comeback.  It’s a brilliant business plan that you wish you’d thought of. Continue reading “I Refuse to Believe (or Care) that Mariah Carey Can’t Sing Anymore”

Dog Takes Bikini-Clad Mariah Carey Out For a Walk

Mariah Carey bikini snowMariah Carey is in Aspen for Christmas and is fulfilling the ancient Anglo-Saxon tradition of walking one’s dog in just a bikini during snowy, 20-degree weather.

No seriously, this is a tradition. Instagram says so. America’s Got Talent is over, but I guess Nick Cannon found some other excuse to not pose next to her in a thin red banana hammock. We all know Mariah’s second-favorite thing after Christmas is shaming her husband.

She went so far as to call herself the female version of Will Ferrell’s character in Elf on Watch What Happens Live!

“I’m him, but the girl version of the character!” the “All I Want for Christmas Is You” singer said. “I’m like a five-year-old, I’m the kid still waiting for snow.”  Continue reading “Dog Takes Bikini-Clad Mariah Carey Out For a Walk”

Mariah Carey Shares Popular Opinion That Nick Cannon’s Music is a Joke

Nick Cannon laughingMariah Carey‘s first born Nick Cannon told reporters at a VMA after-party that his wifey for lifey doesn’t take his music seriously.

She thinks my music is a big joke,” he said, laughing (because people laugh when things are true). “But so do I so it doesn’t matter … My music is silly, you know what I mean, she makes anthems that changes people’s lives.”

While I’d have to argue that “Touch My Body” didn’t exactly cause me to have eye-opening peyote tent visions, it does make his song “Gigolo” from 2003 with R. Kelly look like an even bigger reason to flush and light a match.

Me remembering and even singing the line “I’m a gigolo, spending lots of dough” around my apartment makes me wonder if I qualify for electroshock therapy. Continue reading “Mariah Carey Shares Popular Opinion That Nick Cannon’s Music is a Joke”

‘Good Morning America’ Anchor Prevents Mariah Carey Wardrobe Malfunction

Mariah Carey Lisa SpencerI remember reading or watching an interview where Mariah Carey said she requires 12 or 13 hours of sleep. (This of course makes us kindred spirits.)

So Mariah didn’t maybe get her full 13 on not-so Good Morning America today and that caused her to swear on live TV. Nothing serious, just a little “Oh sh*t” as she was being introduced. Shortly after, the back of her Versace dress broke. In a true act of feminism, life-saving GMA anchor Lara Spencer held Mariah’s strap up so no one would see the goods. #WomenHelpingWomen

What a marvelous avoidance of disaster. Coincidence that this occurred almost three years after Nicki Minaj introduced us to her entire areola on the exact same show? I think not.  Continue reading “‘Good Morning America’ Anchor Prevents Mariah Carey Wardrobe Malfunction”

Nick Cannon is Mariah Carey’s Easter Bitch

Mariah Carey Nick Cannon Easter

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey‘s most embarrassing moment by far came to us on Easter Sunday via Mariah’s Instagram and I keep wondering if she tricked him into it, or if he volunteered.

I can see her saying “Honey, let me lay on top of you with a glass of champagne” without mentioning that she’d be wearing sexy bunny ears while he went full White Rabbit in a children’s production of Alice in Wonderland.

Nick is Mariah’s bitch all year round, but we only see proof on holidays. (He’ll be wearing a diaper and holding a silver rattle by Mother’s Day.)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-2-13]

Mariah Carey tube top winterWinter doesn’t care if you’re Mariah Carey/Mariah doesn’t care that it’s winter in NY. (Yahoo!)

Chris Brown cited for speeding, disappointingly “let go without incident.” (E! Online)

Someone photoshopped Taylor Swift’s head onto Miley Cyrus’ body. (ohmyGAHH!)

Amanda Bynes says she wasn’t evicted even though she probably was. (Evil Beet)

If Sylvester Stallone doesn’t need an assault rifle, you don’t either. (Huffington Post)

Jenny McCarthy sits in the bath talking about all the shows she wishes she was on. (Radar)

Fresh-out-of-the-ring Frank Ocean has a new bestest friend in sleazy John Mayer. (ONTD!)

Jimmy Fallon and Mariah Carey Team Up To Save The Holidays With ‘All I Want For Christmas’

Mariah Carey Jimmy Fallon ChristmasJimmy Fallon, Mariah Carey and The Roots are The Avengers of December, teaming up to save Christmas from two Grease stars who almost square dance-stomped the shit out of our collective holiday spirit.

I’m talking about the genius of the classic “All I Want For Christmas” with a quirky Fallon twist versus the Grinchy sadness of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s “I Think You Might Like It.” One makes me want to clap my joyous hands together, the other makes me want to clap them over my ears. Both feature John Travolta and Mariah Carey in their natural habitat.

Continue reading “Jimmy Fallon and Mariah Carey Team Up To Save The Holidays With ‘All I Want For Christmas’”

Mariah Carey Doesn’t Change Her Kids’ Diapers

SHOCKER – Mariah Carey has probably never changed either of her children’s diapers, but it’s don’t get it wrong, it’s not like it never gets done.

House slave Nick Cannon tells Anderson Cooper that he’s cool with it and just snaps on some industrial strength hand covers and goes to town.

I imagine Mariah being too much of a diva to do more than set her twins in front of a garden hose for a few minutes, so this is probably a good thing, plus, I’ve learned from those Charmin’ commercials that bears are especially prone to IBS.

“I mean we all do it but for some reason I get that duty a little bit more. I am not scared of it. I go in, I put the gloves on,” Cannon explained.  Continue reading “Mariah Carey Doesn’t Change Her Kids’ Diapers”

Of Course Barack Obama Listens To Nicki Minaj

Our current president enjoys pro and college football and basketball, was born in Hawaii, says “uhhh” a lot and likes rap music. (In 2010 he told Rolling Stone that he enjoys Jay-Z, Nas, and Lil’ Wayne.) These are things that I know to be true about him.

Add Nicki Minaj to the list of music Obama works out to. After being asked about the feud between Nicki and Mariah Carey on American Idol, he responded:

“I think that they are going to be able to sort it out. I am confident. I am all about bringing people together. Working for the same cause. So, I think that both outstanding artists are going to be able to make sure that, you know, they’re moving forward and not going backwards.”  Continue reading “Of Course Barack Obama Listens To Nicki Minaj”

Stevie Nicks Apologizes For Saying She Would Have Laid The Smack Down On Nicki Minaj

Stevie Nicks is apologizing for saying that if she’d swapped places with Mariah Carey during the infamous Nicki Minaj feud she would have gone to jail for murdering her.

“If I had been Mariah I would have walked over to Nicki and strangled her to death right there. I would have killed her in front of all those people and had to go to jail for it,” she told The Daily.

In a written apology, the 64-year-old Fleetwood Mac singer blames exhaustion.  Continue reading “Stevie Nicks Apologizes For Saying She Would Have Laid The Smack Down On Nicki Minaj”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [10-6-12]

Mariah Carey hires gigantic bodyguards to protect her from Nicki Minaj. (E! Online)

First look at the flood, in Halo 4 by 343 Industries. (Kotaku)

Christina Aguilera‘s Lotus is on full display. (Gawker)

Student in Queens sent home for wearing “I love vagina” shirt. (NY Daily News)

Rihanna is the Marilyn Monroe of perfume. (Celebuzz)

Colleagues laugh as Charles Barkley falls asleep on the set of Open Court. (Yahoo!)

Linda Hogan was thinking about her ex husband’s sex tape during her mugshot. (Radar)

Go see A Good Day To Die Hard on Valentine’s Day. (ohmyGAHH!)

‘American Idol’ Judge Fight, Round One – Nicki Minaj Vs. Mariah Carey

Nicki Minaj brought Queens, New York to American Idol during an audition in Charlotte where she said she refuses to put up with “her royal fucking highness” Mariah Carey, who she also calls “boring as fuck.”

See and hear it for yourself over at TMZ. There’s a partially audible video of Nicki going crazy, saying things like “if you say one more disrespectful thing to me … off with your head!” 

During an argument that began over a contestant’s performance in North Carolina, Carey’s cool-headed attitude only seemed to send Nicki into more of a full-force, highly escalated rage.  Continue reading “‘American Idol’ Judge Fight, Round One – Nicki Minaj Vs. Mariah Carey”

Three High-Profile Celebrity Judges And One Dawg Confirmed For ‘American Idol’

American Idol producers have sealed the deal with Nicki Minaj and Keith Urban, who will join Mariah Carey and Randy Jackson (who was rumored to not be returning) as judges.

The people behind this are EXTREMELY excited. Possibly more excited than longtime viewers.

Mike Darnell called the grouping “one of the most exciting judging panels around,” while Simon Fuller used the word “dynamic” to describe season 12.  Continue reading “Three High-Profile Celebrity Judges And One Dawg Confirmed For ‘American Idol’”

Tour Bus Driver Opinions Of Creed, Mariah Carey, Chris Brown And More

Spin magazine offered a look into the lives and personal experiences of tour bus drivers. Some discussed the wildness of the 80’s and early 90’s compared to the health-conscious musicians of today, while others talked about the weird things they found lying around.

Many notable artists were mentioned, short descriptions or not, we all love insider information about celebrities.

You will not be surprised to hear that Matisyahu is nice and the guys from Creed act entitled. Here are some highlights:

On finding a giant machine gun: “Don’t think I’m going to make up your bed when you’ve got a machine gun under it. I came across a big-ass machine gun, like, ‘What the hell is this?’ And this was a nice rapper, nobody who had to worry about all this. I mean, who you going to shoot with that anyway?”

Continue reading “Tour Bus Driver Opinions Of Creed, Mariah Carey, Chris Brown And More”

Judge Jennifer Lopez Tells Judge Mariah And Judge Britney To Not ‘Think Too Much’

Two-year American Idol judge J-Lo has advice for the two latest big-name pop princesses to try their uncalloused hands at music competition judging.

“If you try and think too much about what people might think or what you’re saying too much, I think you get lost.” …That’s Lopez’s advice to X Factor‘s Britney Spears, and honorable season 12 Idol judge Mariah Carey. 

Here’s a short list of things that are a problem for Mariah Carey and Britney Spears…  Continue reading “Judge Jennifer Lopez Tells Judge Mariah And Judge Britney To Not ‘Think Too Much’”

Happy Glittery Butter[fly] Birthday Mariah Carey!

Mariah Carey turned 42 today. Her first album ever, the self-titled debut that contained “Someday” and “Vision Of Love” was released 22 years ago, in 1990.

Since then we’ve seen her at her best and worst. Her pricey wedding to manager Tommy Mottola that supposedly included no less than 50 flower girls.

The millionth clue that her mental age doesn’t come close to matching her actual years on earth – the time she surprised Carson Daly on TRL, stripping and handing out ice cream to audience members.  Continue reading “Happy Glittery Butter[fly] Birthday Mariah Carey!”

Nick Cannon Whacks It To Mariah Songs, Wants Scientist Children

Mariah Carey‘s husband, D-list actor/musician Nick Cannon has been put his hoof in his mouth for the millionth time.

This week, he talked to People Magazine about a potential career for his children, and spoke to the radio show Mojo In The Morning about his “special moments” with his wife’s music.

Mojo: When you guys get intimate with each other…Have you ever listened to one of her songs or one of your songs?…

Continue reading “Nick Cannon Whacks It To Mariah Songs, Wants Scientist Children”