Being in Love Has Made Adam Levine a Better Person

Adam levine blond instagramAdam Levine seems like the type of guy who would buy you crepes ever day for a month and then suddenly ignore you to buy some other girl crepes, right? Right. Well, now that he’s found “the one” (he’s getting married next month to Behati Prinsloo), he feels bad for being a serial crepist and is apologizing to every one of his model exes, particularly Nina Agdal and Anne V.

This doesn’t quite make up for other bad decisions, like his hair color and the “Behati” tattoo he plans to get over his heart, but it’s a start.

A source for Us Weekly says the ladies aren’t keen to let him off the hook and “couldn’t care less.” Bright side: Leonardo DiCaprio is still single.

Forget wedding plans, the real tough decision would be whether to send the apology letters directly to the Sports Illustrated or Victoria’s Secret headquarters.

Tiny Brunette Actress Mila Kunis to Wed Large Brunette Actor Ashton Kutcher

Mila Kunis ringKelso and Jackie from That ’70s Show are engaged according to E! News.

In terms of co-star romances, the pairing of Mila Kunis (soooo good in Black Swan) and Kutcher (sooo okay in movies with the word “effect” and “effects” in the title) isn’t quite as exciting as that of Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen because The O.C. is a much better show, but let’s review the inane facts anyway…

Significantly taller and less talented Ashton – former flame of Demi Moore – and Mila Kunis, former flame of Macaulay Culkin (you wanted to forget, didn’t you?) – have been dating for two years and the only reason E! thinks they’re engaged is because Kunis was seen wandering around L.A. with “a significant-sized rock on her most significant finger.” A source for Perez Hilton has the deets:

“It won’t be a long engagement. He wants to marry her soon and start their life together. He was planning this all along.”  Continue reading “Tiny Brunette Actress Mila Kunis to Wed Large Brunette Actor Ashton Kutcher”

Robin Wright is Ben Foster’s Future Bride

Ben foster and robin wrightI’m a apparently very behind on the celebrity dating rumor mill, because Ben Foster and Robin Wright have been a couple for two years and are now engaged and I had no idea they even knew each other.

It seems a little random, but it also makes me happy because I like them both, especially him in Alpha Dog and on Six Feet Under and her with anyone besides that grumpy, smile-challenged Hobbit Sean Penn.

There’s also a 14-year-age difference which gives me faith my own 8-year-difference. (Like Wright, I’m the old cougar/snapping tortoise.) He’s 33 and she’s 47, in case you were wondering.

Wright, who met Foster on the set of Rampart in 2011, is reportedly super “excited” to plan her wedding. Yay. Confirmation that she’s a human woman! (Am I a man for having nightmares about Kelly Clarkson singing “every ball needs a chain” in a wedding dress?)

Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron

Kanye and Kim proposal
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are just soooo unconventional with this whole getting married after childbirth thing, because it’s always best not to rush things when you already have a baby together, right?

In true Kanye fashion, West hired a 50-piece orchestra to serenade her with a Keri Hilson song he’s featured on at AT&T Park in San Francisco while the words “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” scrolled across the jumbotron. The ring, seen above, is a 15-carat diamond designed by Lorraine Schwartz, who helped his buddy Jay-Z put a ring on Beyonce. (Blake Lively’s rock from Ryan Reynolds too.)  Continue reading “Kanye Begged Kim to Marry Him on a Jumbotron”

Scarlett Johansson: Engaged and Extraterrestrial

Scarlett Johansson ring fianceThere are multiple ScarJo stories floating around this week, one being that she is engaged again. This time to a Frenchman instead of that no-good Canadian Romeo Ryan Reynolds.

The guy’s name is Romain Dauriac, and he has been providing her with many diamonds and boat outings over the course of their 10-month relationship.

Johansson also appears in the new teaser for Under The Skin, where she plays “an alien from an unidentified place who uses sex — or, at least, the promise of it — to lure men off the streets and to their deaths,” according to the Los Angeles Times.

Continue reading “Scarlett Johansson: Engaged and Extraterrestrial”

The Woman Who Had Her Butt Grabbed by Robin Thicke Thinks You’re All Being a Bit Dramatic

Robin Thicke grabbing buttRobin Thicke caused a big stink when a photo of him posing with a socialite at a VMA party with his hand totally on her butt surfaced. Honestly I do think it is more common for a dude to put his palm on a woman’s back or shoulder when posing for a photo, but it’s Robin Thicke.

I don’t mean that like, he sings “Blurred Lines” so of course he can randomly grope whoever and it’s unsurprising. That song is actually about his wife (not rape, you twats)

“My wife is Mrs. Good Girl… gradually over our marriage I’ve turned her into a bad girl,” Thicke told Howard Stern on the controversy surrounding the song’s meaning.

Back to what I was saying… It’s Robin Thicke, handsome soulful son of Alan Thicke. Paula Patton (wifey) was probably standing right next to him when he took that photo. The woman in question, Lana Scolaro, a sort of cross between Taylor Momsen and Nicky Hilton, says you’re all overreacting. And she’s right.

Continue reading “The Woman Who Had Her Butt Grabbed by Robin Thicke Thinks You’re All Being a Bit Dramatic”

Sharapova Calls Serena Williams a Homewrecker

Serena Williams Maria Sharpova rivalryToday during a Wimbledon press conference, tennis pro Maria Sharapova responded to seething comments Serena Williams made about her in an interview with Rolling Stone.

Besides minimizing a rape victim’s plight and then denying it later (her exact words on the 16-year-old Steubenville victim were “why was she that drunk where she doesn’t remember?”), Williams talked about an anonymous fellow female player who is is boring and uncool because she starts every sentence with “I’m so happy, I’m so lucky.”

Yeah, that’s definitely Sharapova. God forbid she be cheery and not tell line judges to shove balls down their throats or constantly remind reporters (a.k.a. the world) that nobody can defeat her but herself.

Williams also made mention of the player’s boyfriend having a “black heart.” Talk about glass houses. Let me break it down. Serena is mad because Sharapova is dating her ex, Grigor Dimitrov.  Continue reading “Sharapova Calls Serena Williams a Homewrecker”

Your Easter Prayers Have Not Been Answered: Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Still Together

Chris Brown Rihanna instagram togetherMy day was made and unmade in a matter of hours. Upon waking, I heard a wonderful rumor from the radio station Power 106, who reportedly Tweeted that Chris Brown and Rihanna had broken up.

I was already making plans to paint his face on a dozen eggs, which I would then set on the sidewalk and crush with my feet and possibly a sledgehammer. By breakfast, I unrealized this dream when I read that Chris had favorited a Tweet from a woman who said the comments he made to Big Boy on air were as old as the dirt on Jesus’s abs.

“@chrisbrown and @rihanna are still together… that video was from like forever long ago.. their still getting married. sadly,” Lissette Ortiz wrote.  Continue reading “Your Easter Prayers Have Not Been Answered: Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Still Together”

Christina Applegate Weds Porno for Pyros Bassist Martyn LeNoble

Christina Applegate's husbandChristina Applegate married musician Martyn LeNoble in a ceremony so private that there aren’t even any overhead photos of her dress being blown around by paparazzi helicopter blades.

LeNoble is the bassist for the Perry Farrell-fronted Porno for Pyros (who are said to become active later this year). More recently, he was employed as a composer on Applegate’s show, Up All Night.

He’s also credited with holding her hand during her bout with breast cancer at the beginning of their relationship in 2008. (Now I feel bad for thinking he looks like a cyborg in the sunlight.)

Somewhere, Kate Winslet is raising her hand, hoping for a trade involving Richard Branson’s nephew.

Amazon Puts Gay Married Couple in Kindle Paperwhite Commercial

Gay Kindle adToday, during that educational show about Armenian mating rituals, my teeth almost fell out of my face when I saw the new Kindle ad with a surprise ending.

A man and a woman on an iPad and a Paperwhite are reading by the beach in a tropical location…

The man expresses frustration at not being able to see due to the glare on his device (this is the boring part), so the woman explains that the built-in light in her Kindle is oh so wonderful, even in the sun. Then he’s like, “I just spent over $100, let’s celebrate…”  Continue reading “Amazon Puts Gay Married Couple in Kindle Paperwhite Commercial”

Hugh Hefner marries 26-year-old runaway bride

Hugh and CrystalOn New Year’s Eve, PJ-wearing Crypt Keeper Hugh Hefner married Courtney Stodden’s Jesus, Crystal Harris.

In 2011 Crystal called off her wedding to Hef because she thought all that lube would be bad for her psoriasis. Being the business man that he was, Hef stuck a “Runaway Bride Edition” on her cover story as Crystal just happened to be featured on the cover that month.

The gold digger had also admitted on the Howard Stern show that sex with Hef lasted ‘like two seconds’, adding: ‘Then I was just over it. I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef, sorry.’

What do you expect when you let an octogenarian into your vagina? That’s like saying, “I went to dinner with a Chinese guy but he was too into rice.”

Continue reading “Hugh Hefner marries 26-year-old runaway bride”

Deja Hugh – Hefner To Marry Crystal Harris

Crystal Harris Hugh Hefner creepyHugh Hefner is having an especially dick-raising, money draining week. Not only is he hurting his back watching the help put up Christmas decorations around the mansion, he’s engaged to Crystal Harris for the second time!

Refresher – their first wedding was meant to occur in June of 2011 but Harris retreated in fear when Hef tweeted her a sexy photo what she thought was his wrinkled taint (it was really just of him winking).

Okay, so that’s not exactly what happened. No one knows Harris’ exact reason for bailing the first time. Could be the taint wink, could be that the prenup and will weren’t impressive enough.  Continue reading “Deja Hugh – Hefner To Marry Crystal Harris”

Tabloids Privy to Kristen Stewart’s Master Plan to Become Hollywood’s Most Hated Woman

In Touch reports that Kristen Stewart, who went through hell after kissing a married 41-year-old director in a car, is likely to seduce Ben Affleck on the set of movie (Focus) that she hasn’t even been confirmed to star in.

“She’s moving on – to steamy sex scenes with Ben Affleck. Why Jennifer Garner should be very, very worried” the attention-grabbing headline reads.

Remember when Jack in the Box actually became safer to eat at after all those kids died of E. coli in 1993? The same goes for Kristen. And it’s not like she was ever sitting around gnawing on her hair, pointing her Converse at every penis-having human that walked past her trailer.

Everyone forgave Angelina Jolie when she made out with her brother and stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston because they consider her to be beautiful and a talented actress.  Continue reading “Tabloids Privy to Kristen Stewart’s Master Plan to Become Hollywood’s Most Hated Woman”

As You Can See, Jessica Biel And Justin Timberlake Are Ecstatic About Marriage

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were spotted at an Italian airport following their diarrhea goat cheese wedding in Fasano, and it looks like the magic is already gone.

They either saw a ghost, still aren’t used to being photographed or have turned into official married drones. It’s evident in their blank Children of the Corn stares.

Still, we can also never rule out the possibility that they were converted by Scientologists at the arrival gate OR that they were getting into character for a nightly viewing of The Walking Dead. 

Folks take zombie Sunday pretty seriously.

“It’s great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends,” J and J said in a statement released Friday.  Continue reading “As You Can See, Jessica Biel And Justin Timberlake Are Ecstatic About Marriage”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-30-12]

Anne Hathaway is a married woman. (Celebuzz)

Street Fighter spoof  “Real fighter II” is hilarious and true. (G4)

Jessica Simpson‘s doctors rejected her requests of lap band surgery, twice. (Radar)

Stop having babies! There may be a diaper shortage. (World News)

Dracula and Leatherface scared the crap out of Selena Gomez. (Too Fab)

New bottomless Kate Middleton photos surface. (E! Online)

California is first state to ban humiliating gay therapy techniques. (Jezebel)

Listen to Lana Del Rey‘s “Burning Desire” and watch her Jaguar ad. (Stereogum)

LeAnn Rimes is done with rehab stuff, for now. (Evil Beet)

Is ‘Breaking Amish’ The Fakest Reality Show Since ‘The Hills?’

As reality show viewers, we’ve come to accept that certain things about our favorite programs are in some way fake or staged. The “cast” of MTV’s The Hills admitted to reenacting situations and changing their clothes several times a day to film specific scenes.

TLC’s Breaking Amish, a show about Amish people (and one Mennonite) between the ages of 20 to 32 who wish to leave their isolated farming communities to explore New York, may not have a script or big-name celebrities, but it does appear to be 90% fabricated.

All but one of the five cast members have been or are married, and one photo submitted on the Facebook page Breaking Amish: The Truth is supposedly of a married Rebecca and Abe (who pretended to be strangers), holding their baby.

Continue reading “Is ‘Breaking Amish’ The Fakest Reality Show Since ‘The Hills?’”

Kanye West Has A Sex Tape And The Girl Looks Like Kim (But Isn’t)

Apparently, Kanye West has more in common with Kim Kardashian than an inflated ego. ‘Ye also has a sex tape, and the girl in the it is a “dead ringer” for Kim.

According to Radar Online, the tape is around 20 minutes long and was shot in a hotel room with a girl who says she’s 18 and married.

“My husband and I don’t have sex anymore… that’s why I’m here,” she says.

The website states that the young woman has “bodacious curves, dusky skin and long black hair.” 

Ugh, remember the various episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians where Kim cried over her sex tape with Ray J? We’re about to see a whole new batch of tears…  Continue reading “Kanye West Has A Sex Tape And The Girl Looks Like Kim (But Isn’t)”