Selena Gomez’s Mom Doesn’t Look Her Age Either

selena gomez mom Selena Gomez‘s mom, Amanda Cornett, gave birth last week. She’s 35-years-old, a perfectly reasonable age to have a kid (she was 16 when she had Selena), and doesn’t look a day over well, my age. (Not quite 30.)

Every time someone says Selena Gomes is hot I reach for the phone and start dialing 911 with the intention of having them put on the registered sex offenders list. Then I remind myself that she just has the face of a teenager who hasn’t yet learned about things like faulty metabolisms or lube, and is not actually underage.

Now we know where it comes from! Good genes. The woman in the photo could easily be her sister, kidnapper or polygamist foster mother, but she hardly looks old enough to have a 20-year-old daughter.

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Mother/Daughter Porn Team Seeking Father/Son to Tag Team

Monica and Jessica porn teamTwenty-two years ago, Jessica [insert-real-last-name-here] gave birth to Monica [insert-same-last-name-here], who ended up venturing into porn once she was of-age.

Monica, under the fresh new last name “Sexxxton,” re-defined Bring Your Mother to Work Day when she suggested that 50-something Jessica try it out. But not separately, because they wanted to spend quality time becoming “filthy rich,” so they made adult films together, and 100% legally according to Florida’s state incest laws, as the first and only real mother and daughter porn duo.

Gross beyond comprehension. Anyway, these two freaks are looking to amp it up a notch. After tag teaming many non-related men, Jessica and Monica are scouring the nation for a likeminded pair.

“It’s something we’ve considered for a while,” Jessica told HuffPost, on videotaping a session of her and her mom with an equally gonzo father and son. “We once dated brothers in real life on and off for a couple of years. They were closer to [Monica’s] age, but we haven’t done a father and son in real life or on camera.”

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Rihanna Remedies Mother’s Disapproval of Her Lack of Pants

Rihanna two pants After telling Elle UK all about her mother’s wrath over nude Instagram pics posted last December by best friend/personal assistant Melissa Forde, Rihanna has dropped the “Look ma, no pants!” act for double-stacked jeans.

The look was debuted at the launch of her River Island clothing line in London. Reminds me of the time Britney Spears wore a thong on the outside of her clothes in the “I’m A Slave 4 U” video. A few too many steps ahead of pulling your underwear up until you smell smoke from the friction fire in your genitals. It was a trend about as likely to spread as dark on light denim. She sort of makes it work. But who else could?  Continue reading “Rihanna Remedies Mother’s Disapproval of Her Lack of Pants”

Mother-Daughter Porn Team Monica & Jessica Sexxton Give Morality Lessons

Monica and Jessica Sexton Howard Stern Porn stars Monica Sexxxton and Jessica Sexxxton are like any other adult entertainment workers who have starred in over 40 films, except that they’re a mother and daughter tag team.

On Wednesday, the duo appeared on Howard Stern’s radio show to talk about what they are and are not willing to do and why.

The daughter, Monica, seems genuinely disturbed by the thought of kissing her own mother, but has no problem taking “pictures of her asshole” and being next to her while she’s getting busy.

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Kris Jenner Spent 1989 With Her Legs Above Her Head, Ignoring Her Kids

Kris Jenner unfit motherForgive me, but I just find this story so goddamn funny. Not the neglectful part. Just that Kris Jenner was such a sex-obsessed, Fassbender-in-Shame-style 80’s nymphomaniac that she couldn’t be bothered to pick up a phone.

In an In Touch “exclusive,” which a rep for the Kardashian klan called “ridiculous,” the magazine claims to have obtained the late Robert Kardashian’s handwritten journals, which are full of complaints about his irresponsible ex-wife.

Inside, we learn (using “learn” loosely) that Kris kicked and beat Kim in August of 1989 and was so into Todd Waterman (that guy she just happened to run into on KUWTK) that she was never home.

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Kris Jenner Watches Rob Kardashian Masturbate 24/7

Rob Kardashian fashion policeSome people get tattoos of fairies, butterflies and stars, while others go with hearts with the word “mom” in them. Rob Kardashian took it one step further in August when he got one of his famous mother, Kris Jenner.

Rob, who has a large sketch of his dad on his right arm, visited Fashion Police on Dec. 21 and was asked about his ever-expanding collection of ink by Joan Rivers.

“I put my mom, which is weird, on my right arm, which is my masturbating arm,” he told Rivers.

I would say he stepped off the ledge of what could be considered “appropriate” by society if he weren’t a Kardashian and therefore incapable of invoking surprise with incest-y jokes.

Missouri Mom Foils Son’s Plan To Shoot Up Twilight Theater

There’s nothing stronger than a mother’s love, besides a mother’s obligation to save hoards of innocent youths from her homicidal son.

A 20-year-old man in Bolivar, Missouri was arrested after his mom learned he had bought two assault rifles and was planning a similar attack to the one in Aurora (on a Breaking Dawn Part 2 crowd) and called the police.

Maniac-in-question Blaec Lammers was sitting around at Sonic when the fuzz approached him for questioning.

Besides the obvious tragedy preventing reasons, this lady is a hero because I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of people that would have made “Twihards deserve to die” jokes and because the average age of that audience is about 16.  Continue reading “Missouri Mom Foils Son’s Plan To Shoot Up Twilight Theater”

If The Mom From ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape’ Can Lose Weight, So Can You

A few days ago I posted a Tweet about how I feel like Johnny Depp and retarded Leonardo DiCaprio’s mom in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape every time I watch track and field events at the Olympics.

Little did I know, the obese couch-ridden mother (played by Darlene Cates) from Gilbert Grape who died after trying to go up the stairs, recently lost 245 pounds. She still weights 331 pounds but is looking to shed more pounds after overcoming diabetes, undergoing four surgeries, and having a near-death experience at the hospital. Good for her! I’ve revised my track joke to:

“Every time I watch track and field events I feel like the mom in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape before she lost the weight.” Still pretty bad (unfunny and offensive) huh.  Continue reading “If The Mom From ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape’ Can Lose Weight, So Can You”

Nelsan Ellis’ Secret To Playing Lafayette On ‘True Blood’

Nelsan Ellis has played the wildly flamboyant Layfayette on HBO’s True Blood for the past five years (he’s straight in real life).

Creator Alan Ball decided to stray from the Charlaine Harris books the show is based on when he kept Nelsan’s character alive.

Ellis told EW in 2009 that Ball didn’t tell him he wouldn’t be killed off until the 12th episode of season one.

Recently he visited Chelsea Lately and revealed his secret to playing such a realistically gay character…

Chelsea: “How did you decide to play a gay character if you’re a straight guy?”

Nelsan: “I just act like my mama…I’ve been watching her all my life. I’ve been watching her and imitating her. I can just do what she do [snaps fingers].”  Continue reading “Nelsan Ellis’ Secret To Playing Lafayette On ‘True Blood’”

Cher’s Mom Is Pretty Hot

Cher posted a photo of her and her 86 year-old mother, Georgia Holt on Twitter right before meeting president Obama at a LBGT fundraiser at the Beverly Wilshire.

Let me just say, what a hot grandma. I can only hope to look 30% as good as her in 60 years.

Did Jane Fonda and Betty White open a spa at an undisclosed location where they sacrifice babies and eat peasants in a bathtub full of milk like Charlize in Snow White?

I demand answers, and so does Obama. Apparently the president playfully asked about her Holt’s diet after Cher told him that she’s 86.

According to the Tweet, Barack said, “Georgia,tell me what u eat.”

MTV Buckles Down For Sober Situation And Mother Snookeresa

Jersey Shore fans, get ready for some news to quake your kooka. All you spray-tan loving, stupidity voyeurism-addiction-having motherfuckers better prepare for some new cast members as the show ‘transitions into a new generation.’

According to TMZ, MTV network executives are searching for fresh talent to incorporate into seasons six and seven. The production company behind the runaway exploitative hit, 495, look to limit The Situation and Snooki’s roles in light of their recent life changes.

Mike Sorrentino will likely be sober or at least keeping a TV facade of sobriety while Snooki prepares to breastfeed pour White Russians directly into her baby’s mouth. (Speculation)

Brad Pitt And Kate Winslet Like To Save People

On the set of Brad Pitt’s new zombie movie, World War Z (also starring Bryan Cranston and Matthew Fox) an extra was on the verge of being trampled during a chaotic scene. So what did Brad Pitt/Achilles do? He scooped her up and prevented her from getting her head crushed like a sunflower in a hamster’s mouth.

Apparently, there were around 700 zombie/human survivor extras running down the street in Glasgow, Scotland and several suffered broken bones and severe bruising.

So it looks like he didn’t save everybody. Geez Brad way to only save one lady and not help everyone at once. What were you thinking?

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