Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer

Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was all the rage? You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a woman with secretion-stained underwear daydreaming about Christian Grey blindfolding her and stuffing her with buttplugs in the back of his private jet.

The least-romantic story ever, about a man who is entitled to degrade women he barely knows because he’s rich and handsome, is so backwards it reminds me of an article I was just reading about how doctors used to diagnose horny women with hysteria. (It was also about crank-up dildos that look like a drill and blowdryer in one.)  Continue reading “Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer”

There May Be a NEW INDIANA JONES in Town…

Bradley Cooper the a team shirtlessNerds, flex your gag reflex. People who thought Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a completely acceptable movie: I have good news for you!

Disney may be recasting Bradley Cooper as Indy, replacing 71-year-old Harrison Ford after four runs as professor Jones beginning in 1981 with the spectacular Raiders of the Lost Ark. (I love the smell of melting Nazis in the morning.)

A source for Latino Review says the studio is “100% prepared” to move ahead with a younger actor for Indiana Jones 5, with Cooper at the head of the list. LR adds that Frank Darabont (The Walking Dead, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles) is being considered for lead script writing duties.

Continue reading “There May Be a NEW INDIANA JONES in Town…”

Trailer: That Awkward Moment

That Awkward Moment, as in, that awkward moment when Zac Efron and Miles Teller (The Spectacular Now) take viagra and can’t pee without planking over the toilet bowl, hits theaters January 31st.

Also starring Michael B. Jordan and Imogen Poots, the movie seems to be about that moment when cave-dwelling manchildren fall in love get their nuts clipped.  Continue reading “Trailer: That Awkward Moment”

Sorry Jenna Dewan, But Channing Tatum is the White Devil

channing tatum albino In the upcoming Wachowski Brothers’ flick, Jupiter Ascending, due summer of 2014 (because it’s sci-fi and sci-fi takes foreverrrr *cough* *cough* Avatar *cough* Prometheus), our boy Channing Tatum plays a knee pad-wearing assassin cross between a wolf and a human who also happens to be an albino…

This is the only time I’m ever going to bring up The Matrix Reloaded, ever, but if you remember, the Wachowskis utilized a set of 50% bald white Stevie Wonder lookin’ motherfuckers in that too, which had me wondering….

Why are there more albinos in the future? Does that mean there’s hope for me?

Also, is there hope for this movie, or Jenna Dewan if he still looks like that in the bedroom during filming?

Paris Jackson: Out of the Psych Ward and Into the Frying Pan?

Paris Jackson instagramParis Jackson’s whirlwind week seems to finally be coming to an end, but is the teenage daughter of the most prolific pop star of all time in trouble beyond her recent hospital stay for a suicide attempt?

Of course she is. Celebrity offspring (Bobbi Kristina, Stephanie Rose Bongiovi, Mackenzie Phillips etc.) are like child stars who never had to work to get where they are. They’re a more unpredictable breed of socialites. Equally spoiled, yet more scrutinized.

Jackson’s psychiatric hold was lifted Saturday evening when she was transferred to UCLA Medical Center, the same hospital where Michael Jackson passed away.

A statement approved by Paris’ guardian, Katherine Jackson, released just after she cut her wrists said, “Being a sensitive 15-year-old is difficult no matter who you are…”  Continue reading “Paris Jackson: Out of the Psych Ward and Into the Frying Pan?”

Trailer: The Bling Ring

A photo of Emma Watson in character for The Bling Ring surfaced nearly a year ago. In a new teaser for the movie about the infamous group of Cali teens who almost got away with ripping off celebs like Paris Hilton, Rachel Bilson and Lindsay Lohan, Watson parties, drinks and makes provocative faces.

This is still worlds apart from, say, the bikini string-thing plot of Spring Breakers, where Disney stars like Vanessa Hudgens prance around naked for unproven director Harmony Korine.  Continue reading “Trailer: The Bling Ring”

Differences Between ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ The Movie And Book

Bradley Cooper Silver Linings Playbook As much as I loved Silver Linings Playbook the movie, I noticed some strange things with the timeline and didn’t completely understand why Bradley Cooper’s character suddenly seemed to forget about getting back together with his wife Nikki in favor of the girl (Tiffany, Jennifer Lawrence) he seemed to regard as a friend throughout the entire film.

Then, in the improper order, I picked up the book (with the faces and voices of the actors and actresses imprinted in my mind) and it all made sense. Here are the major differences between Silver Linings Playbook (2012) directed by David O. Russell, and The Silver Linings Playbook (2008) written by Matthew Quick…

Continue reading “Differences Between ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ The Movie And Book”

Jared Leto: Hottest Man, Ugliest Woman?

Remember in Congo when Amy the talking gorilla calls Laura Linney an “ugly woman?” Random reference but I can’t help but recall the phrase after seeing Jared Leto in drag for a new movie role.

Looks like Matthew McConaughey isn’t the only one going through a drastic transformation for Jean-Marc Vallée new film The Dallas Buyers Club based on the true story of Ron Woodroof’s battle with aids in 1986.

TMZ thinks he looks like Kristen Stewart (low, untrue blow) but I’m going with Parker Posey. One thing’s for sure, he’s no Bruno Mars.

‘Cloud Atlas’ is a Box Office Flop In Third Place

With a budget of $100 million, Andy and Lana Wachowski better hope their film, Cloud Atlas, makes more money in “another world” or life, because it came in third in its opening weekend and grossed a disappointing $9.4 million.

The complicated sci-fi flick, which features “six narrators spanning the globe and the centuries,” was beat by fellow R-rated drama Argo (in its second week), and PG children’s movie Hotel Transylvania.

Alt Film Guide reports that Cloud Atlas is Tom Hanks’ lowest weekend grossing film since 1986’s Nothing in Common, blaming “weak word of mouth” and a “disjointed plotline.”  Continue reading “‘Cloud Atlas’ is a Box Office Flop In Third Place”

Michelle Williams Is In The New Silent Hill Movie?

You’d be 100% right in second guessing me when I say that Michelle Williams is in Silent Hill Revelation 3D, because she’s a credible actress (then again, so is Milla Jovovich) who probably has too much integrity to accept such a meatless role.

If you saw the trailer you also wouldn’t be wrong in assuming the main character is played by Williams.

In actuality, the mysterious woman who stole Michelle’s face is Adelaide Clemens, an Australian actress who starred in the little known but critically acclaimed television series Love My Way and had a very small part in X-Men Origins: Wolverine as “carnival girl.” Continue reading “Michelle Williams Is In The New Silent Hill Movie?”

Trailer: Paranormal Activity 4

All the chandelier-swinging, door-slamming tediousness is back in Paranormal Activity 4 on October 19 with PA 3 directors Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman (Catfish) returning to direct.

The movie takes place a five years after Paranormal Activity 2 and focuses mainly on Katie and her stolen toddler’s new teenage neighbor.  Continue reading “Trailer: Paranormal Activity 4”

‘V/H/S’ Manages To Be Scary, Despite Not Making Sense

Like most horror fans, I was quite taken with Ti West’s The House Of The Devil, so I was naturally excited when I heard he was going to be a part of a found footage film called V/H/S, even though I’m not normally a fan of the shaky camera POV.

V/H/S, which debuted at Sundance and has no less than six directors, is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I could watch it three more times and still not know exactly what it was about. Could be devil worshippers, vampires, zombies or ghosts…

The movie focuses on a group of criminals, and at first feels like some sort of Last House On The Left-style snuff effort because of a parking lot scene where they film themselves grabbing a young woman and lifting her shirt up as they hold her boyfriend back.  Continue reading “‘V/H/S’ Manages To Be Scary, Despite Not Making Sense”

‘Liz & Dick’ Trailer Finally Shows Lindsay Lohan As Elizabeth Taylor In Motion

The trailer for the latest movie Lindsay Lohan is using as a vehicle to revitalize her career is out. You know, the one that won’t be in theaters, where she plays sad, unglamorous low-budget Lifetime Elizabeth Taylor? Liz & Dick.

My favorite part of this 30-second collage of crazy Lindsay pretending to be crazy someone else is when she’s asked, or rather told, that she just ended her fourth marriage and she (Lohanibeth) snidely responds with a gasp and a “Who’s counting?!”

It’s especially funny because that would probably her actual reply to a person who brought up the number of times she’s been arrested, though maybe she’s actually forgotten (we all have, is it 6 or 16?).

Continue reading “‘Liz & Dick’ Trailer Finally Shows Lindsay Lohan As Elizabeth Taylor In Motion”

Trailer: Mama

Mama is one of Guillermo del Toro‘s many jaunts as producer following other horror efforts like Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark, Splice, and The Orphanage.

First timer Andres Muschietti directs this movie about a woman (Jessica Chastain, The Help) and her husband’s attempts to raise two girls who were left “alone in the wilderness for at least five years.”

Continue reading “Trailer: Mama”

Daniel Radcliffe Films ‘The F Word,’ Flashes Junk (Again)

Photos of Daniel Radcliffe filming the upcoming “romantic” film The F Word have surfaced and they might remind you of pesky Prince Harry’s naked Las Vegas antics, except Radcliffe isn’t so shy…

This straight-person version of The L Word co-stars Rafe Spall (Prometheus) and Zoe Kazan (Bored To Death, Fracture), who is also naked while shooting a skinny dipping scene with Harry Potter.

MNPP has a complete collection of non-Equus nudie pics. Did he get circumcised since then or what? I see less foreskin.

‘Spring Breakers’ Was Designed To Make You Feel Old And Perverted

EVEN THOUGH the stars of Spring Breakers (Ashley Benson, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Rachel Korine) are portraying college kids and are not technically minors, you will feel like a dirty pedophile after simply viewing one promotional photo.

Imagine what will happen when you see the movie. You’ll get put on “the list.” You know, the one viewable by location on the Offender Locator app.  Continue reading “‘Spring Breakers’ Was Designed To Make You Feel Old And Perverted”

Trailer: Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters

In the vein of terribly bad (but sometimes good) movies like Van Helsing, Season Of The Witch, Red Riding Hood, and The Brothers Grimm comes Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters. 

This foray into the unbelievably embarrassing stars Jeremy Renner and Prince Of Persia‘s Gemma Arterton as famous brother and sister duo Hansel and Gretel after their escape from the witch we all know and fear from the 200-year-old German fairy tale.  Continue reading “Trailer: Hansel And Gretel Witch Hunters”