Video: Nicki Minaj – “Only”

While you’re waiting for Nicki Minaj‘s third full-length album The Pinkprint (tomorrow), here’s a video of Nicki bouncing around in business casual attire with Drake professing his love for cellulite-laden ass dimples and Chris Brown in his most believable performance ever as a rapey-eyed devil. Produced by alleged Ke$ha and Lady Gaga rapist Dr. Luke.
  

Gavin DeGraw’s New Video is the Most Lesbo-Centric NON-LESBIAN Video of All Time

Yesterday I was sitting around watching VH1  on mute, so all of a sudden I see Gavin DeGraw’s face and I’m about to change the channel when I notice that the video seems super gay and therefore mildly interesting.

There’s a lady doctor and a lady firefighter and some other random businesswoman being oddly sexual at the workplace like opening their mouths and tilting their heads back for no reason and while I’m waiting for them to bang I realize that they’re not lesbians, they’ve just seen Whip-It one too many times and want to knock each other out on a roller derby rink.
Basically, as I’d expected, the video is super cliche, just in a different way. It also doesn’t star Juliette Lewis OR Ellen Page and is therefore a complete waste of my time.

Video: Maroon 5 – “Animals”

This completely unoriginal video, released 3 days ago, is apparently controversial.

A spokesperson for RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) are calling the video – which features Adam Levine creeping on real-life wifey/10,000th-model-he’s-bedded Behati Prinsloo – “a dangerous depiction of a stalker’s fantasy.”
 
I, on the other hand, believe that the majority of people have enough sense to differentiate harmless, horror-themed imagery from instructions on how to stalk and kill women, but then again, they are watching Maroon 5 videos in their spare time…
Adam Levine kissing Behati animals gif Adam Levine kissing gif
I personally found the video of him making babies with Minka Kelly more upsetting.

(Not sure if bad kisser or intentionally slobbering to make video grosser…?)

Stand by for Maximum Butts: J-Lo and Iggy Azalea Made a Video Together…

Jlo Iggy azalea bootyThe oldest butt and the newest joined forces for a song called, get ready for it, “Booty.” A middle-eastern tune best served after repeated viewings of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda,” the “Dance (Ass)” remix and Kim Kardashian’s entire Instagram.

Seriously, how many simple-minded men have to die of heart problems all so Jennifer Lopez can feel superior to Kim and Nicki?

You know she came up with this concept after turning around in the mirror asking Evil Queen-style who has the roundest derriere of all?  Continue reading “Stand by for Maximum Butts: J-Lo and Iggy Azalea Made a Video Together…”

Video: Ella Eyre – “Comeback”

It might seem unusual for a debut album to have a song called “Comeback” on it, but at only 20 years old, obvious Best Hair in Music-haver Ella Eyre makes it work.

It’s about a scoundrel who “comes back” after cheating, but instead of being a weak ass weak sauce bad-guy-taker-backer, she breaks his dishes, dissects his flatscreen with a guitar and lights his ride on fire. With a little help from her friends, of course.  Continue reading “Video: Ella Eyre – “Comeback””

Video: Miranda Lambert – “Somethin’ Bad” feat. Carrie Underwood

Oh my God I could care less about 90% of country music, but the ho’ed-out wives of Blake Shelton and Mike Fisher shook their knees in front of motorcycles and played poker with guys in fedoras for one of the most over-produced music videos ever and I’m pretty sure it’s under 3 minutes long because they ran out of money for bronzer. Continue reading “Video: Miranda Lambert – “Somethin’ Bad” feat. Carrie Underwood”

Video: Die Antwoord – “Pitbull Terrier”

In honor of habitual weirdos Die Antwoord’s new album, Donker Mag with titles like “Raging Zef Boner,”  “Don’t Fuk Me,” “Sex,” “Girl I Want 2 Eat U,” and “Happy Go Sucky Fucky” – dropping today, here’s a Reddit list of  pre-Antwoord music by Ninja.

Also, a link to an interview explaining how Yolandi’s pet rats “raped” each other multiplied like crazy on the set of the “Evil Boy” video. And a Gaga drag queen being eaten by a lion.
 
“Pitbull Terrier” (no relation to J-Lo’s Pitbull) features more animal-centric freakiness involving blood spatter, people dressed as cats and dogs, and a real rat dressed as nothing.

Justin Timberlake Dances With Michael Jackson

There’s a new Michael Jackson video (yes, “new”) for reasons unknown besides that people just aren’t done beating his sequined corpse like a piñata until dollar bills fall out…

“Love Never Felt So Good” for Justin Timberlake, who snaps his fingers while younger folks dance up a storm in front of old footage of Michael.
 
The next song from Jackson’s posthumous album Xscape will feature Tupac and John Denver.

What’s the most interesting about Justin Timberlake these days anyway? That he shares a barber with Brad Pitt or that you could pour syrup in his brow crease without any falling out? 
Read: Michael Jackson Hologram Rocks Billboard Music Awards: Go Behind the Scenes

Video: Eminem “Headlights” Feat. Nate Ruess

The most mother-hating man of all brilliantly released an apology to his Mom on Mother’s Day directed by an Oscar-nominee and featuring everyone’s go-to guest vocalist.

From Eminem, Spike Lee and Nate Ruess from .fun, with love to Debbie Mathers. Your son is all grown up and ready to hate you a little less than he used to…

But what the hell do bad mothers without famous sons have to look forward to? 

Video: The Pretty Reckless – “Heaven Knows”

Interesting things are happening in pop music… Things that have nothing to do with Lady Gaga! Lily Allen wrote an entire song about it, but if you’re looking for the antithesis of Lorde, it’s Taylor Momsen.

She’s an entire year younger than Miley Cyrus, dirtier than Ke$ha and applies eyeliner with a paint roller. I feel the same way about her that some women do about sweaty James Franco selfies. It’s harder to admit that you sometimes find this person attractive than it is to masturbate to American Horror Story: Asylum.
   
This video for “Heaven Knows” is a few months old, but attention-grabbing. I mean, one second she’s harmonizing with a bunch of children and the next she’s ripping her clothes off…  Continue reading “Video: The Pretty Reckless – “Heaven Knows””

Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday”

So many musicians – even those who make stripper pop – are out to impress their ever-disappointed parents, but I believe Katy Perry releases at least one music video per album with the goal of giving her preacher father an aneurysm. Unfortunately, this one doesn’t quite have the nudity to do the trick.

Like Charlize Theron, Perry loves ugling herself up for the sake of her art. She’s also ten million acres of firework and whipped cream trucks out of the league of every guy she dates, but that’s another story.

In the “Birthday” video, a sort of follow-up to “Last Friday Night,” she’s unrecognizable as 4 of the 5 characters of different genders and religions (the Bar Mitzvah DJ is the ultimate f*ck you to daddy) she plays.

Continue reading “Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday””

Video: Lady Gaga – “G.U.Y.”

Lady Gaga‘s self-directed “G.U.Y.” video (with a hint of “Venus”) starts like The Walking Dead and The Hunger Games and ends with gold, and lots of it. Brutal rags to endless riches, with Gaga sporting the longest hair extensions ever and humping the air like a female Bobby Brown, only with more crack.

The queen of pretension (she let someone vomit on her at SXSW in the name of “creative rebellion”) really outdoes herself this time. An 8 minute video with 3 minutes of credits? The sheer laziness of this makes me want to jump into an active volcano.

Did I mention that she brings Michael Jackson, Jesus and Gandhi back from the dead?  Continue reading “Video: Lady Gaga – “G.U.Y.””

Video: Beyoncé – Partition (Explicit)

Beyoncé is a dedicated wife and mother, but in her latest clip, “Partition,” we see her do what she truly thrives at: performing. Do me a favor and read some lyrics before proceeding:

Oh he so horny, yeah he want to f*ck
He popped all my buttons, and he ripped my blouse
He Monica Lewinsky’d all on my gown

Oh there daddy, daddy didn’t bring the towel
Oh baby baby we betta slow it down

(By performing, I mean bedazzling her funbags and wearing floppy hats and elaborate lingerie that could only be undone by a Greek God with an industrial chainsaw. )  Continue reading “Video: Beyoncé – Partition (Explicit)”

Ke$ha Gyrates Lazily in ‘Dirty Love’ Video

Kesha dirty love stillIn a brand new video for “Dirty Love,” everybody’s favorite crusty party girl flashes skin on a stripper stage like a lazy Taylor Momsen or super energized Britney Spears.

In true Ke$ha fashion, she humps the air, covers her face to contain demonic laughter, slurps whip cream cans and balances her drunk self on a chain link fence.

For some reason, Iggy Pop’s random verse about Rick Santorum in a v-neck sweater that was included on her Warrior CD is missing. You know it’s a bad sign when the scraggliest heroin addict in town regrets working with you.

Her vagina is a glitter piñata and her body is 72% vodka. Raise a toast with your tuna martinis (tunatinis?) and try to avoid a fish hangover upon pressing the play button. Continue reading “Ke$ha Gyrates Lazily in ‘Dirty Love’ Video”

Video: Miley Cyrus – “Adore You”

Androgynous rodent Miley Cyrus continues to make us very, very uncomfortable in the “Adore You” video where she expresses how much she misses Liam Hemsworth by caressing her own teeth.

The massive pearly white chompers – along with the nose, shoulders and unhappy trail – are apparently Miley’s erogenous zones. ..The more you know.

Video: Britney Spears – “Perfume”

Britney’s new single almost has better lyrics than “Phonography” from Circus (“I like my bluetooth, buttons comin’ loose”) and “Email My Heart” (self-explanatory) from …Baby One More Time.

In “Perfume” Britney is the other woman, singing “I hope she smells my perfume” and “I want it all over you, I’m gonna mark my territory.” All because of some bitch named Cindy.
Britney Spears Perfume still 1
OF COURSE Britney strips down to sexy granny panties and sprays Fantasy all over her stomach.

Video: Lorde – “Team”

Lorde JUST turned 17, probably wrote the majority of the songs from her debut when she was like 12 because she’s some sort of chart-topping genius and is generally amazing.

“Team” is as good as anything from Pure Heroine, and Lorde (pronounced “Lord,” real name: Ella Yelich-O’Connor) and her friends drink out of milk cartons and bounce around in boat yards in the video.

She’s actually so insanely popular that “Team” crashed the living crap out of YouTube.