Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months For Lying

Jon Stewart Brian Williams quoteNews anchor Brian Williams has been suspended by NBC for 6 months without pay for saying he was in a helicopter that had to make an emergency landing after coming under fire in Iraq.

To add insult to injury, Williams claimed he told the lie because umm, like, a bunch of helicopters crashed that day and stuff and he was in a helicopter but just not one of those helicopters and he forget that that totally didn’t happen to him at all because he’s got a lot going on, like trying to ignore trolls who send him videos of his daughter getting her ass eaten out.

Continue reading “Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months For Lying”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-15-14]

Columbian cycling team naked
Women’s cycling team are blissfully unaware of their seeming naked-ness. (Daily Mail)

Lindsay Lohan may have touched Whitney Houston’s corpse. (TMZ/Jezebel)

15 fun (and scary) things you didn’t know about Friday Night Lights. (Uproxx)

Martha Stewart goes gangster on Gwyneth Paltrow. (Evil Beet Gossip)

And the undisputed BEST SENIOR PHOTO OF ALL TIME goes to…. (Grouchy Muffin)

Tyler, The Creator compares Apple’s “gift” of new U2 album to herpes. (Stereogum)

OITNB writer divorces husband for lady love/OITNB star Samira Wiley. (Vulture)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [7-7-14]


Miley Cyrus and The Flaming Lips make a compelling case for never doing LSD. (RS)

Don’t move to Chicago unless you want bullet holes in your thighs. (Gawker)

Beyonce’s dad is a huge broke horndog with multiple baby mamas. (TMZ)

 Posh Spice shared an awkward glance with Sam Jackson at a tennis match. (BuzzFeed)

Canadian couple too in love to notice hungry tornado behind them. (Yahoo!)

Joan Rivers thinks we all think Michelle Obama is a tranny. (Uproxx)

Taylor Swift’s “family” members look a lot like Emma Stone and Lena Dunham. (Vulture)

 

22 Firefighters Deliver Tourist From Vagina Statue

german vagina statue It took a multitude of completely unamused German firefighters to deliver one teen exchange student from a vagina-shaped sculpture after his friends urged him to climb inside for a photo-op.

No medical attention was needed, as there is no definitive cure for embarrassment. Seriously, this kid is going to be known as “vagina boy” until the end of time.

Girls he dates are going to think he’s one of them, and even after he’s adopted a new identity and is peering over a newspaper in Groucho glasses like someone from a 1950s spy movie, passersby are going to do a double take, pull up this photo from Imgur and chase him down the street yelling “It’s totally you!!!”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [6-9-14]

Iggy Azalea Rita Ora I white chicksRita Ora and Iggy Azalea unknowingly reenact White Chicks. (Uproxx)

Being shunned by Hollywood has been really good for Mel Gibson’s biceps. (TMZ)

Tracy Morgan broke his leg, femur, nose and ribs. Is “more responsive.” (E! Online)

The guy in The Fault in Our Stars DIES. You’re welcome. (NY Daily News)

Olivia Munn is looking for her career in Aaron Rodgers’ mouth. (Radar)

Sneaky guinea pig impregnated 100 females, has more kids than Eddie Murphy. (Jezebel)

31-year-old loves the “natural hang” of his girlfriend’s 91-year-old boobs. (BuzzFeed)

Alabama woman cheats death

22-year-old Lynsey Horne's mugshot
“Very lucky” Auburn woman Lynsey Horne’s mugshot

On Wednesday morning authorities in Auburn, Alabama received several calls from concerned citizens who reported a woman was run over by a train.

Turns out the women fell asleep on the train track and the train passed over her.

When police arrived at the scene, 22-year- old Lynsey Horne was still asleep on the train tracks.

So of course this lady was very intoxicated, according to Auburn police Captain Lorenza Dorsey, but luckily she was uninjured.

“She’s very fortunate that the train went over her and did not strike her,” Dorsey told The Huffington Post on Friday.  Continue reading “Alabama woman cheats death”

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure rudely interrupted

race for the cure seattle 2014During the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure it started to rain, but not the beautiful rain you love to run around in… Instead, it rained cat feces, cat litter, chicken breasts and a green liquid (Nickelodeon slime?). As it turns out, a lady from the fifth floor apartment that the race was going on by was the cause of the cat poop-throwing rage.

The police say that the women was so angry about the noise the race for cancer was making that she flung cat feces and frozen chicken parts. (Kind like angry birds but with cat poop and chicken.)

On Sunday morning, officers reported seeing a “hail of garbage” fall from a fifth story apartment in downtown Seattle.  Continue reading “Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure rudely interrupted”

Two 12-year-old girls stab classmate to prove loyalty to Slenderman

stabbing suspects wisconsinThe title really does say it all. 12-year-old Morgan Geyser and 12-year-old Anissa Weier stabbed a 12-year-old classmate (name has not been released) Saturday morning in Wisconsin. They stabbed the victim 19 times and left her in the woods hoping she would die.

The motive of the attackers was to become proxies of Slenderman and to prove he was real. A fictional character created by the internet. Criminal and psychological experts say they’d be surprised if investigators didn’t find evidence of psychological problems in either of them.

(Morgan Geyser long hair, Anissa Weier short hair)

On Monday the two suspect were tried as adults with attempted first degree murder. They are facing up to 60 years in prison. Anissa Weier told the police that she first heard of Slenderman on a website called creepypasta and then introduced the site to Geyser.

A little background on Slenderman, he is depicted as being unnaturally tall, with very long limbs and/or tentacles that he can adjust the length of. Slenderman blends in with trees, and usually hides in plain sight. The more you know about him, the closer he gets.  Continue reading “Two 12-year-old girls stab classmate to prove loyalty to Slenderman”

Why Do People Put Things There?: A Question Not Even ‘Sex Sent Me to the E.R.’ Can Answer

10424107_1553470738213314_972763449_o
Kinky role-playing ends up in the emergency room. There is a television show on TLC called “Sex Sent Me to the E.R.” This episode stuck in my mind because of the previous post from a book titled “Stuck up.” Stories like these make me wonder why people feel the need to put very odd things in places they don’t belong.

A Canadian couple by the name of Jason and Michelle decides to role play. She a princess and he was a fire breathing dragon. Handcuffs were involved in this role playing (I am unsure why a dragon would handcuff a princess), and the keys ended up in her vagina (like you didn’t see that coming). This event ended with them in the emergency room, and MORE bad news.

At first the couple pretended not to know what was wrong hoping the doctor would find through an exam. Whenever something bad happens to me that I’m embarrassed about, I think “it can be worse.”  Continue reading “Why Do People Put Things There?: A Question Not Even ‘Sex Sent Me to the E.R.’ Can Answer”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [5-21-14]

Watch this guy do “Talk Dirty to Me” in 20 distinct musical styles. (Rolling Stone)

Sad Affleck to star in Superman Vs. Batman: Dawn of Justice. (Huffington Post)

Giant sea turtle totally objects to couple’s beach wedding, lays eggs in protest (Viral Nova)

Jada Pinkett and Will Smith under investigation by CPS for a certain photo. (Breit Bart)

La Roux’s “Let Me Down Gently” video is great if you get off on close-ups of hair. (Idolator)

Channing Tatum’s wife thinks he’s addicted to confetti cake and alcohol. (Jezebel)

This female surfer/model has something in common with Aaron Hernandez… (Gawker)

 

Teenage Girl Poisons Grandma’s Collard Greens for Taking her Cell Phone Away

girl who poisoned grandmaIn the news recently, I was unsurprised to learn that a girl in North Carolina dumped poison meant to exterminate termites into her grandmother’s collard greens while she was at church.

It gets worse… This all happened because grandma, one Gaylon Moody of Fayetteville (a dead ringer for Sweet Brown), confiscated her cell phone for a week.

Via CBS:

The seventeen-year-old Fayetteville girl allegedly dumped insecticide and termite killer into a pot of collard greens her grandmother planned on eating for Easter dinner. The station reports Moody cooked the food before attending church for services, and ate the meal when she returned home.

Moody and her friend Clifton Evans both became ill after eating the collard greens, reports the station.

“About an hour and a half later, we started getting sick,” Moody told the station. “My fingers started feeling numb, (and it spread to) my chest, my face, my mouth.”

A friend of Moody’s rushed the two to the hospital, where they were treated and released.

Teens of today care more about technology, and what that technology represents, than family. Not having the thinnest, fastest phone is a social tragedy, and not having a phone at all is like, so much worse than a dead grandma.

Continue reading “Teenage Girl Poisons Grandma’s Collard Greens for Taking her Cell Phone Away”

Stories I’m too Lazy to Write About [4-3-14]

R.I.P. … True Blood is ending after 2014. (Uproxx)

And hereee’s RoboCop eating donuts… (Grouchy Muffin)

 David Letterman retiring in 2015.  (Rolling Stone)

30 people confirmed dead in WA mudslide. (Yahoo!)

Nene Leakes looks contemplative in ’92 mug shot. (ohmyGAHH)

Wayne Gretzky’s daughter did Golf Digest?? (Deadspin)

Shakira lights herself on fire for “Empire” vid. (Idolator)

Cameron Diaz made a sex tape. (ComingSoon)

Rejoice! The Swiss Cheese Pervert is Behind Bars

Swiss cheese pervert mugshotLast weekend we heard about a 40-something man in Philadelphia who was terrorizing women by putting cheese on his penis, driving up to women and asking them to blow and/or handy j him.

This age old story with the added bonus of things we usually put on sandwiches came to a conclusion when Chris Pagano, nicknamed the “Swiss Cheese Pervert” by the press, was arrested this morning in Norristown.

Turns out, Pagano was also cuffed in 2009.

From PhillyMag.com:

Monday: Court documents revealed that Pagano was arrested in 2009 after he allegedly “removed a large block of cheese from his pocket” and offered a woman on the street “$20 to rub the Swiss cheese on his penis.” Pagano pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, and a solicitation charge against him was dismissed.  Continue reading “Rejoice! The Swiss Cheese Pervert is Behind Bars”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-13-13]

stodden brunetteCourtney Stodden brown hair 2013
Courtney Stodden has brown hair, looks older and more porn-y than usual. (Daily Mail)

Internet goes crazy over 60-year-old girl meme. Tea and arthritis for all. (Grouchy Muffin)

Scientists in Antarctica discover most nipple-chilling place on earth at -136 degrees. (io9)

Mike Tyson’s “mistress” sends batsh*t crazy emails to his wife on a weekly basis. (TMZ)

Fox News lady wants you to know that Jesus and Santa are both white, like her. (Uproxx)

Edge of Tomorrow w/ Emily Blunt unlikely to break Tom Cruise’s crap film streak.  (Deadline)

This guy playing super popular songs of 2013 in 1:00 minute is my new hero. (Gizmodo)

Canadian Mayor Says He Has ‘More Than Enough’ P*ssy to Eat at Home

Rob Ford mayor wifeMarried trainwreck mayor of Toronto Rob Ford stood in front of a room full of press yesterday to deny a whole mess of things, including telling one of his staff members that he wanted to eat her out.

Ford, a notorious partier and admitted crack user said, “I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home. Thank you very much.”

This kind of thing would never fly in America, but if I had to compare his attitude to two people I’d go with Rex Ryan and Vladimir Putin. Amount of f*cks given: 0.0.

Lady Gaga, a Prosthetic Arm, and the Stigma of ‘Gossip’

prosthetic arm lady gaga Lady Gaga is a crazy weird bitch, right? In a good way, mostly. No matter how much she sprawls out naked for Vogue, or Terry Richardson or her performance artist friend’s nonsensical crystal-worshipping Kickstarter campaign, she writes decent music and has always been honest about the negative parts of her past. The only problem actually, besides pretentious crap like this prosthetic arm, is that she’s annoyingly against bullying and negativity.

Now I know you’re going, “Wait a second, bullying is never a good thing, you’re an awful human being for saying that,” but hear me out. Gaga recently ranted against little ol’ websites like mine, writing the following on Facebook and Twitter:

Dont focus on ANY blogger criticism. I have been a producer/songwriter/musician for over 10 years. Trust the artist, bloggers are not critics. The fans + music scholars are the best critics because they know the artist intimately.‪#‎STOPHarassingTheArtist‬ we are here to entertain you.‪ #‎FreeTheArtist‬‪ #‎StopTheDramaStartTheMusic‬

Now I know firsthand that people hate the word “gossip” because it makes them feel dirty. But it’s like sex, we all do it, and we all secretly love it. According to Merriam-Webster, it can simply mean “a chatty talk” or a “rumor or report of an intimate nature.” According to Gaga, it’s all bad:

Let’s make 2013 a year where music/talent/artistry is more important than gossip/fanwars I respect all fanbases 4 their passion 

I like to think of it as the simple sharing of any and all information. Hell, I like to gossip about myself. For years people have been badmouthing gossip bloggers (hypocritical much?). We’re like the new paparazzi: career-ruining assholes who will do anything and everything to put a stick in the wasp nest.

But think about it, when was the last time the paparazzi made you laugh (besides when Kristen Stewart’s telling them they don’t deserve to breathe the same air as her) or shared a good recipe with you? Yeah, some of us leak songs on occasion, but we also promote artists (like Gaga) by constantly talking about their bleached anuses and the golden snot rockets bowls they use as moisturizer.

I’m saying be grateful. A lot of your fans are bloggers. A lot of bloggers (me) overpaid to see you in concert and found the experience generally enjoyable besides that stuff about locking the freaks outside.

Continue reading “Lady Gaga, a Prosthetic Arm, and the Stigma of ‘Gossip’”

Salt Lake Beauty Queen Gets Bored, Throws Bombs

Kendra Gill beauty queen utah bombKendra Gill, aka Miss Riverton 2013, apparently couldn’t handle the boredom of being surrounded by Mormons and decided the best hobby to take up would be terrorism.

The 18-year-old Salt Lake County beauty queen and her three equally blonde deadbeat friends were arrested over the weekend for throwing homemade bombs out of a car at “property and people,” according to authorities.

The good Capt. Clint Mecham, whose team is handling the investigation, wisely pointed out the teens could have blown their extremities and the extremities of others right the fuck off.

“They could have lost their lives, fingers, hands,” Mecham told CNN. “It’s not a very smart thing to do all around.”  Continue reading “Salt Lake Beauty Queen Gets Bored, Throws Bombs”