Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby

bill cosby bushBill Cosby’s name is on the tip of everyone’s tongues lately for being the unwanted tongue at the tip of pretty much every woman he ever came in contact with, and we’re all sick of his freedom. Even Whoopi Goldberg, who has famously, stubbornly defended horrible people like Michael Vick and Roman Polanski thinks Cosby should be punished.

The latest person to speak out against Cosby is the king of America, President Obama, who sadly doesn’t have to power to revoke a presidential medal Cosby received in 2002, let alone to speed up the process of him getting DP’d by pudding pops in a federal penitentiary.

Continue reading “Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby”

12 Dead in France Over Anti-Islamic Cartoons

charlie hebdo islam cartoonThe offices of the newspaper Charlie Hebdo came under gunfire earlier today by three masked men who killed 12 and left two critically injured in the worst attack on France since 1995’s Paris train bombing.

The gunman, who wielded assault rifles and a rocket launcher and yelled “Allahu Akbar” (Allah is the greatest) as they stormed the building, have been identified and the youngest attacker, 18-year-old Hamyd Mourad, has turned himself in. Authorities are working hard to locate the other two men.  Continue reading “12 Dead in France Over Anti-Islamic Cartoons”

President Engages in Hand-to-Hand With Gay Cashier

obama gay fistbumpA ballsy man working at Franklin Barbecue in Austin yelled “Equal rights for gay people!” in the vicinity of none other than the president, to which Obama turned and said “Oh, are you gay?”

The man, Daniel Webb, looked at him, cool as a cucumber and responded, “Only when I have sex.”

With even cooler presidential cucumber coolness, Bama held out his fist, knuckles out and said “bump me.”

Michelle Obama Makes an Otherwise Boring Meeting With the Miami Heat Interesting

Everyone knows Ms. Bama and her husband are super active and into basketball, football, hell, all the ball sports, and during a visit with LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Ray Allen, coach Erik Spoelstra, 50-year-old Michelle Obama showed impressive jumping and dunking skills in the background of an otherwise boring talk between Wade, Allen and the coach. The toothy faces her and LeBron make after the dunk might have you wishing for a buddy comedy starring the two of them as boisterous siblings or longtime besties coping with adulthood.

Gahhh. Michelle Obama is so fucking adorable. If she wasn’t so obsessed with abolishing fast food / shoving apple slices in everyone’s mouths I would want her to adopt me.

A [Very] Brief History of Obama Selfies

Obama funeral selfieEven though people have been twerking and taking selfies since before the invention MTV and polaroid cameras, 2013 was the year we gave these occurrences a title that even your most out-of-touch relative might causally drop into a sentence.

Just the other day Obama was called out for taking a “selfie,” (a “self-portrait photograph, typically taken with a hand-held digital camera or camera phone” according to Wiki), at a funeral.

Not just a funeral, but the funeral of Africa’s most beloved icon of peace, equality and freedom: Nelson Mandela.

The Obamas are as American as a family can get, one that often partakes in selfie-taking. For instance, here is one of Michelle with her and Barack’s Portuguese Water Dog Bo…  Continue reading “A [Very] Brief History of Obama Selfies”

Michelle Obama to Appear in Health-Conscious Hip Hop Videos

A slightly misleading but still incredible NME article says “US First Lady Michelle Obama to release hip-hop album.” Don’t get your hopes up too high, internet…

Mich O. won’t actually be singing on said album, she’s just organizing it for educational purposes. You know her deal, getting kids to replace delicious fried food with food that is good for you and tastes like unseasoned gelatinous hippie pit sweat (but at least makes you poop consistently).

Artists included on the compilation Songs For A Healthier America are Darryl ‘DMC’ McDaniels, Travis Barker, Ashanti, Doug E. Fresh, Jordin Sparks and Matisyahu.

Michelle will only be appearing in videos for songs like “U R What You Eat,” “Veggie Luv” and “Everybody” (download for free HERE if you dare and/or care), but I still keep imagining them turning out like this: (Take it away, Mary Sue / Let his love bust a cap in your butt and say HALLELUJAH!) Or this: Continue reading “Michelle Obama to Appear in Health-Conscious Hip Hop Videos”

Obama: “Trayvon Martin Could Have Been Me”

obama trayvon martin 1On Friday Obama gave a very personal and heartfelt speech about the shooting of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman’s not guilty verdict, which caused outrage across America in the form of protests large enough to shut down freeways in L.A.

“You know, when Trayvon Martin was first shot I said that this could have been my son,” Obama said of the teen who was gunned down by the neighborhood watch captain in Sanford, Florida in 2012. “Another way of saying that is Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago.”

“And when you think about why, in the African-American community at least, there’s a lot of pain around what happened here, I think it’s important to recognize that the African-American community is looking at this issue through a set of experiences and a history that doesn’t go away,” he continued.  Continue reading “Obama: “Trayvon Martin Could Have Been Me””

Check Out Obama’s Groovy Hawaiian Prom Photo

Obama prom picture
Awww. Look at Barry in 1979 all decked out in a lei with his bottle poppin’ best friend and their dates.

With the help of the brunette on his left (Kelli Allman), Time Magazine released two photos of 17-year-old Obama at the dance in honor of the Millions of American teenagers who will go to prom this year.

The guy in the white pants (Greg Orme) was Barack’s basketball teammate at Punahou School in Honolulu and brother from another mother, according to Allman.  CLICK for bonus ’70s fun-time photo

Dennis Rodman Wants Obama and Kim Jong-un to Bond Over Basketball

Dennis Rodman Kim Jong Un drinkingBROMANCE ALERT. Dennis Rodman is back from his trip to North Korea where he and the Harlem Globetrotters were allowed to meet with “lifelong” basketball fan Kim Jong-un, son of former nightmarish dictator (and butt of lesbian jokes) Kim Jong-il.

In an interview with George Stephanopoulos on ABC, Rodman, who seems to have picked up a Barbados accent during his travels, tried his hand at foreign affairs, pleading for the president to have a talk with his new best friend.

“He wants Obama to do one thing: Call him,” the five-time NBA championship ring-holder told Stephanopoulos, adding that Kim does not want to “do war.”  Continue reading “Dennis Rodman Wants Obama and Kim Jong-un to Bond Over Basketball”

Kanye West Poses Semi-Nude With Kim, Disses The President

Kim and Kanye naked Business duo Kardashian and West are leaving new mementos (Kim-friendly translation: Mentos) for their future daughter to turn red over.

Interesting that Jañye would agree to a naked embrace reminiscent of a bargain bin romance novel for the French magazine L’Officiel Hommes after supposedly having too much artistic integrity to appear on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

At a concert in the UK over the weekend, Kanye crapped all over Obama (“I don’t give a f*ck what the president’s got to say”), the Grammys (“The Grammys can suck my d*ck”) and Justin Timberlake (“I ain’t f*ckin’ with that ‘Suit & Tie”).

…Again, a few to many insults from the guy who’s signed on for the long haul with the most shameless woman in Hollywood.

NO ONE Sings The National Anthem Like Beyonce

Beyonce Obama InaugurationBeyonce is garnering perfect reviews across the board after effortlessly performing the National Anthem at Obama’s inauguration earlier today. Gawker described her voice as “more heavenly than a thousand Hallelujah choruses,” and I can’t really disagree.

Her rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” is comparable only to the one that lady sang at the Panthers vs. Patriots Super Bowl in 2004. Oh oh, that was Beyonce too? Never mind.

Singing this is easier for her than talking, addition problems for preschoolers, or stealing sugar-free candy from Paula Deen’s purse while she’s window shopping for butter.  Continue reading “NO ONE Sings The National Anthem Like Beyonce”

Obama Proposes Civilian Assault Weapon Ban and Background Checks For All Firearm Buyers

Obama gun conferenceAfter over a month of depressing post-Sandy Hook gun “solutions” from the NRA, one Piers Morgan deportation petition and a million opinions from every political and non-political corner of the earth, Obama has finally set a plan in motion to combat rampant gun-related homicides in America.

During a press conference on Wednesday morning, Obama proposed legislation that would require criminal background checks for all gun sales and ban assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets to anyone but law enforcement and military officials.

“[Gun violence] has terrible consequence for our society … and if we can only do one thing to stop it, we should all try and do that,” he told a crowd of reporters at the televised event.  Continue reading “Obama Proposes Civilian Assault Weapon Ban and Background Checks For All Firearm Buyers”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-19-12]

Obama SpidermanBarack Obama is Time’s Person of the Year. As if anyone else was considered. (Just Jared)

That video of the eagle trying to take off with a baby in Montreal is FAKE. (Gawker)

Taylor Swift FORCES her boyfriends to get giant arm tattoos. (Huffington Post)

Legs of Hugh Jackman neglected at gym in favor of arms, back and chest. (Celebuzz)

Chord Overstreet strips and jumps in Hurricane Sandy flood waters. (ohmyGAHH!)

The guy who cut Kim Kardashian‘s hair deserves a prize of some sort. (Evil Beet)

Japan has around two gun deaths a year. America has nearly 9,000. Figure it out. (The Atlantic)

Victoria Jackson Found a Way to Relate a ‘Million’ Abortions to Sandy Hook

Victoria Jackson american flagThe tragedy in Newtown has evoked sympathy from around the nation, and with that sympathy comes…. a few extremists who should be disallowed from opinion-sharing, like Westboro Baptist picketers, people who blamed the video game Mass Effect, Louie Gohmert, and Victoria Jackson.

Jackson, a former SNL alum, is now famous for sad but hilarious tea party rants like the one after Obama was re-elected, where she wrote that she couldn’t stop crying because “America died.” Also, Glee turns kids gay.

In her latest, and possibly craziest yet, she compares the child victims at Sandy Hook Elementary to aborted babies. From FacebookContinue reading “Victoria Jackson Found a Way to Relate a ‘Million’ Abortions to Sandy Hook”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-07-12]

Lady Gaga thrilled about Obama, donates $1 million to Hurricane Sandy relief. (Mercury)

British singer Robbie Williams draws criticism for punching old lady in “Candy” video. (ONTD!)

Soulja Boy accidentally posts penis pic on Tumblr, apologizes. (Perez)

Republicans manage to blame Halo 4 for Mitt Romney loss. (Kotaku)

Karl Rove and Donald Trump aren’t the only ones freaking out over the election results. (TMZ)

Nobody can beat Taylor Swift on the charts, like, never ever. (Popdust)

Lindsay Lohan could return to jail for lying to the police about Porsche crash. (L.A. Times)

The most important thing that happened yesterday: Beyonce joined Instagram. (ohmyGAHH!)

Marijuana Legalized In Colorado and Washington, Marriage Equality For Maine and Maryland!

Today was a good day for Democrats. Colorado, Washington, Maine and Maryland made history for their yes votes on marriage equality measures and marijuana legalization, oh, and that Obama guy won.

In spite of Colorado and Washington’s recreational marijuana use laws (Initiative 502 and Amendment 64) passing, the states still have a way to go in terms of actual results, so don’t take your pipe on a walk just yet.

Huffington Post and other websites report that it could take months, possibly even a year, for 21-and-overs to legally buy pot.

Here’s a statement from CO governor John Hickenlooper:  Continue reading “Marijuana Legalized In Colorado and Washington, Marriage Equality For Maine and Maryland!”

Here’s That Lena Dunham ‘First Time’ Video That Everyone Freaked Out Over

Girls creator Lena Dunham released a campaign ad for Barack Obama that playfully compared voting for the first time to losing your virginity and the conservatives who would rather pretend sex doesn’t exist and shove it in a corner like it’s a haunted ventriloquist doll predictably hated it.

“It tickles me to no end that while my twitter feed was blowing up with conservative hate,” Dunham wrote on Twitter. “I was literally hanging out in a pile of bisexuals.”

The most outrageous response to the video came from Ben Shapiro of BigGovernment.com, who said that Obama is exploiting young women.  Continue reading “Here’s That Lena Dunham ‘First Time’ Video That Everyone Freaked Out Over”