Tim Tebow Cut From Patriots For Sucking at Life

tebow patriotsFormer Gators and Jets maverick Tim Tebow has been cut from his current team, The New England Patriots because he completely failed to impress Bill Belichick with his chesticles and gay bar-friendly face.

The no-trick pony that somehow led the Broncos to the playoffs early last year was not chosen to even be a backup quarterback to the equally good looking and far more gifted Tom Brady.

“I would like to thank Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, Coach McDaniels and the entire Patriots organization for giving me the opportunity to be a part of such a classy organization,” Tebow wrote on Twitter. “I pray for nothing but the best for you all. I will remain in relentless pursuit of continuing my lifelong dream of being an NFL quarterback.”

Some other team will likely pick him up and drop him faster than a baby with a unibrow. I hear the Bengals need a few new cheerleaders…

Former NE Patriot Aaron Hernandez Pleads Not Guilty to First-Degree Murder

Aaron Hernandez handcuffsNFL star Aaron Hernandez appeared in court today for the suspected murder of his friend, semi-pro Boston football player Odin Lloyd.

Hernandez plead not guilty to charges of first-degree murder and unregistered gun possession.

Massachusetts prosecution and police allege that the ex-Patriot’s tight end (he was let go by the team amid the scandal) either killed Lloyd, who suffered multiple gunshot wounds, or watched him die on June 17 and later destroyed evidence such as his cell phone and home surveillance camera.

Even though Lloyd’s body was found near Hernandez’s home and the two were clearly together on the night of his death, the defense believes the evidence is too weak for their client to be jailed. (The murder weapon has yet to be found.)

As for a motive, it is believed that Hernandez began to feel as if he couldn’t trust Lloyd after he was seen talking to a group of people he “had beef with.” This gang mentality seems to fit with reports that NFL teams and police were concerned about his drug use and “circle of influence” before he was drafted in 2010.

Continue reading “Former NE Patriot Aaron Hernandez Pleads Not Guilty to First-Degree Murder”

Tim Tebow To Join Tom Brady and the Patriots as Third-String QB?

Tebow and Brady meme Handsome virgin quarterback Tim Tebow‘s name will likely be slapped on the back of a Patriots jersey for the 2013-14 season.

According to ESPN’s sources, Tebow is expected to arrive at Pats’ minicamp tomorrow morning.

Mike Reiss pointed out that since definite starter Tom Brady is healthy and their backup QB, Ryan Mallett, has two more years on his contract, Tebow may be the team’s last resort third-string option.

Coach Bill Belichick’s past comments on Mallett have been lukewarm, telling NFL owners meeting attendees in March that he “performed well” in 2012-13. “I couldn’t comment on that,” Belichick said in response to trade rumors. “I’m glad he plays for our team.”

I think we can all agree that, with that arm, Tim Tebow barely deserves a spot as a cheerleader for the Lingerie Football League, let alone a spot on any team in the NFL. (Even the 2008 Lions.)

Gisele’s Angry At The Patriot’s Offense

The Brazilian volcano fire finally came out of Tom Brady‘s wife. After the neck-in-neck Patriots loss to the Giants on Sunday Gisele reportedly talked shit about the receivers.

TMZ writes that team members and Pats staff were “disappointed” after Gisele Bundchen said, “My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

I think I’m with Gisele on this one, except I’m glad it happened because I hate New England almost as much as I love blueberry cheesecake, kittens and Britney Spears. Just look at her in that picture, consoling with cold words and whispering false promises of blowjobs.  Continue reading “Gisele’s Angry At The Patriot’s Offense”

Hey Gamers, Chad Ochocinco Wants To Live With You

Famously eccentric, newly-appointed Patriots wide receiver has made a new and semi-hilarious statement. After being asked about his new-found Boston surroundings he replied casually,

“I’m going to do something different, I’m actually going to stay with a fan for the first two, three weeks of the season,” Chad said after today’s practice. “That should be fun, until I get myself acclimated and learn my way around.”

The lady reporter proceeded to ask him if he was being serious and he responded by saying, “Have I ever lied to you before?”

Then went on to add,

“I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but they have to have Internet and have to have Xbox…That’s about it.”

I think he’s serious and I think he’ll do it, he’s been known to pull crazy stunts for media attention, to expanding the visibility of his brand. This trade to The Patriots obviously isn’t going to make him any tamer, same old Chad Johnson I remember, Twitter-joking, reality-show-having, bull-riding comedian that we all know and love. Or hate? Either way.

Hello roomie, let's play Call of Duty: Black Ops. No I don't have any pants, are you crazy?

 

 

 

 

 

Watch Chad’s interview HERE on ESPN.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Chad Ochocinco Johnson, XBOX Live Gamertag = esteban 85, too bad his friends list is fuller than cannibalistic Kirstie Alley]