Kourtney Kardashian did the Naked Pregnancy Photo Thing

Kourtney kardashian dujour 2Kourtney Kardashian – my favorite, because she’s grumpy, throws the most shade at Kim and loves white meat even though it’s highly frowned upon in her family – is about to pop out another baby and figured she’d preserve the moment in time forever by showing her blown-up pregnancy belly and surprisingly not blown-up bosoms to the world via a naked Dujour magazine spread. (Scroll down for slightly NSFW photo.)

In their profile, Dujour calls Kourtney the “pacifying, nurturing one,” but you kind of have to be a little nurturing and patient when you have two little ones running around plus a Scott Disick AND, like all of us, you live in the constant cold shadow of Kim’s ass.  Continue reading “Kourtney Kardashian did the Naked Pregnancy Photo Thing”

Mila Kunis Wants Expectant Fathers to Shut Up About Being ‘Pregnant’

A very pregnant, very angry Mila Kunis has an important message for all men [besides that one pregnant man]: unless you’re a seahorse, don’t pat your baby mama’s stomach and say “We’re pregnant!” with a big stupid grin on your face.

Soon, Kunis and the eight ice cream-holding women who joined her will be delivering more than just a touching monologue about the difficulties of men taking credit for nothing…
   
Something watermelon-sized that kicks and screams and projectile craps in your eye.

“When you wake up and throw up is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila. Do you know how many shots of tequila we had?? None. Because we can’t have shots of tequila! We can’t have anything.”

Read: Mila on Pregnancy Cravings: Ashton ‘Stocked Our Fridge With Weird Food’

Shotgun Wedding for Mila and Ashton?

Mila kunis pregnant clippers gameRecently engaged Mila Kunis will not be able to enjoy all the free bottles of bourbon that her latest gig as the face of Jim Beam will earn her, if she is actually pregnant, as E! is reporting.

Maybe Ashton can hand them out to Bruce Willis and Laura Prepon in the hospital waiting room? Or the expecting father could use them to numb the trauma of watching his boo push an enormous him-sized baby out her tiny Ukrainian vajay.

Kunis is pregnant with the couple’s first child, a source confirms exclusively to E! News just weeks after being first to report that the former That ’70s Show co-stars were planning to tie the knot.

The Ted star was even recently spotted attending a prenatal yoga class in Hollywood. 

Continue reading “Shotgun Wedding for Mila and Ashton?”

Scarlett Johansson PREGNANT With a Half-French Baby

Scarlett Johansson baby daddyHot off a sort of win-by-association at the Oscars (Spike Jonze, Best Original Screenplay, for Her), it was announced today that former Woody Allen muse Scarlett Johansson will give birth later this year.

The sperm, injected roughly five months ago, belongs to Frenchman Romain Dauriac, a journalist who she has been dating since at least 2012.

I bet you all cannot wait to begin cringing and/or not caring when Kim Kardashian comes to her defense on Twitter after the paparazzi send unflattering photos of “fat” Scarlett to Star magazine.

(Tiny ex-flame Sean Penn masked his pain by diving headfirst into Charlize Theron’s tonsils.)

JWoww At Four Months Pregnant Looks Like JWoww At No Months Pregnant

jwoww four months pregnantJersey Shore‘s “smartest” survivor Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who predictably found out she was pregnant while she was at a tanning convention, somehow looks fit as a mofo at four months.

After taking several tests and repeatedly seeing only a blurry line, JWoww landed in Nashville and had her manager get her a “stupid proof” test that spelled out the word pregnant. From jennifarley.com:

I cried and Roger looked like he was going to pass out! Hahaha. That day in Nashville I was on cloud nine.

And keep in mind that the baby will look like her BEFORE the plastic surgery. And by “like her before the plastic surgery” I mean “better.” (Snooki’s godchild also has a 90% chance of having a crazy name.)

Megan Fox Pregnant AGAIN, Taking Another Hiatus From Acting?

Megan Fox April teenage mutant setMegan Fox is pregnant again. Just had her last churren less than a year ago, precisely 10 months and it’s like… why Megan, why!!? Do you want to pop ’em out quick so they can be close-in-age and relate to each other?

Was it kind of an accident like maybe you weren’t trying but you weren’t not trying and David Silver’s sperm is just really potent like fresh French cheese?

It’s fine. I ain’t mad atcha. But maybe next time, after the 12 months pass and the paparazzi are kind of over it and you have some semblance of privacy and the little guy or girl is done gnawing on your tits, you could possibly work on another good comedy like How To Lost Friends and Alienate People, Jennifer’s Body and This is 40, instead of more children? From her rep:

I can confirm Megan is expecting her second child with her husband Brian. They are both very happy.

Continue reading “Megan Fox Pregnant AGAIN, Taking Another Hiatus From Acting?”

Simon Cowell Impregnated The Woman He Sometimes Ogles

Simon Cowell Lauren Silverman boat
Idol/Britain’s Got Talent/X-Factor judge Simon Cowell knocked up his friend’s wife, this kind of Demi Moore-looking woman that he likes to look at through binoculars even though she’s sitting right in front of him.

The baby mama, Lauren Silverman, is being compared to Blake Lively’s character on Gossip Girl because she’s a New York socialite. According to sources, she used his penis to wipe her tears after becoming estranged from her husband, Simon’s past-tense friend. (Who’s the third wheel now, bitch?)  Continue reading “Simon Cowell Impregnated The Woman He Sometimes Ogles”

EXCLUSIVE: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Fetus is Embarrassed by ‘The Client List’

Jennifer Love Hewitt pregnant magazine cover“I can’t believe my mother gets paid to pretend to get paid to give handjobs on television,” the three-month old fetus of Jennifer Love Hewitt exclusively told The Twist.

In all seriousness, Jennifer Love Hewitt is engaged and pregnant and her unborn baby is totally yelling “ADOPT ME” at strangers through the uterine wall. From Us Weekly:

“We’re so thrilled and happy to start a family,” the Client List costars tell Us in a statement. A source says Hewitt is about three months along.

But really, I love her and her entire career including the terrible stuff like Ghost Whisperer. (Heartbreakers with Sigourney Weaver is one of my favorite guilty pleasure comedies.) I think she gets a bad rep that she doesn’t really deserve, like the Tom Cruises, John Travoltas and Tyras of the world.

The dude who put the real-life jizz in her is named Brian Hallisay and plays her skeezy ex-husband on The Client List who totally wants a piece of his wifey’s lubed-up rubdown money.  Continue reading “EXCLUSIVE: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Fetus is Embarrassed by ‘The Client List’”

E! Says Beyonce is, Like, Pregnant Again, For Sure

Beyonce surprise faceE! News’ “most read” article today is, unsurprisingly, one confirming that Beyonce is pregnant with her second child. This means she’ll pop out a beautiful baby (likely the subject of her next HBO special) named Green Violet sometime next winter.

(Hard to be excited for her when SOME people are having their breasts and ovaries removed.)

Clues include a concert cancellation (for dehydration and exhaustion), one stomach-concealing Givenchy dress, and the interviews Beyonce gave right after she gave birth to Blue Ivy. The ones where she said Jay-Z and her weren’t done making sweet unprotected love on a rug made of ground-up Destiny’s Child members. The Hobbit Ring humor Beyonce Single Ladies Beyonce’s “I’m about to have another baby” dance goes something like this...

Pregnancy Gave Drew Barrymore a Red Goatee

Drew Barrymore goatee Are you afraid to have a child because you can’t imagine being able to afford industrial gobs of cocoa butter, therapy, diapers, vaginoplasty and tiny containers of apple sauce? Well, add hair removal to that list. Drew Barrymore grew a beard while she was pregnant with her daughter, and so could you.

“I got a wonderful little goatee, and it was red! I also got hyperpigmentation on my cheeks,” Barrymore told In Touch.

Hair removal and a ton of powder for when your face turns into a poppy seed muffin. Good luck passing the drug test.

Is Halle Berry Too Old For Pregnancy, at 46? [POLL]

Halle Berry baby bumpHalle Berry’s rep confirmed on Friday that she was pregnant with her second child after “sources” leaked the story to TMZ and E! News. The question here seems to be, at age 46, is she “too old?”

I was adopted when my parents were in their early 30’s, which I think is fine.

Commonly, the pro for having a child at a later age is financial security. Plus you’ve had more time to grow as a person, which makes you less likely to “accidentally” flush your baby down the toilet or burn it in the microwave.

Sadly, she’ll be 64 when her son turns 18, around 70 when he graduates from college (assuming he goes right after high school) and dead 92 when he’s 46.  Continue reading “Is Halle Berry Too Old For Pregnancy, at 46? [POLL]”

Hilaria Thomas Screamed Bloody Murder Over Positive Pregnancy Test

Hilaria Thomas pregnantBig dreamin’ yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas confirmed the strength of high-end Baldwin sperm during an airing of Extra. It’s less the baby and more the sound she made when she found out that I’m interested in.

Alec explains that he heard his wife yowling in the bathroom and ran in to save her from an imminent death that actually turned out to be her reaction to double lines on the pregnancy test.

“There’s a scream I heard, which is a scream normally reserved for if there’s a spider in the house, not exaggerating,” Baldwin said. “So then I hear that scream again, but it was not a spider.”

Can you imagine a world where women become pregnant after spotting those little eight-eyed bastards?

Continue reading “Hilaria Thomas Screamed Bloody Murder Over Positive Pregnancy Test”

AHOY! Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump Spotted Beneath Patterned Shawl

princess kate baby bumpDon’t you just get a kick out of how obsessed Americans are with Kate Middleton‘s baby? You know they’re all just pervs hoping for another William or Harry to gawk at (or a Diana, for the sake of Hollywood martyrdom).

The Princess is still a public figure, and her every waking move has become that much more scrutinized now that she’s pregnant. A walk around London turns into the resurrection of John Lennon. (I guess the Queen unshackled her following that whole morning sickness hospital trip/house arrest thing.)

One avid Duchess of Cambridge idolizer wrote: “Oh my gosh it makes me so excited for when the baby comes.” But why? I mean what are you planning to do with it? Toss her in a cell until she confesses!

2013 is About Kim Kardashian’s Baby and Nothing Else

Kim and Kanye new yearsI can tell from scrolling through every salacious website ever created that this is not in fact the year of the snake, but the year of the thing inside of Kim Kardashian. Let’s get our binoculars out and perv on some headlines…

Kanye As A Dad: What His Music Tells Us About His Parenting Style (Huffington PostHuffPo plops the lyrics to “New Day” off Watch The Throne in front of analytical readers. In the song with fellow rap papa Jay-Z, Kanye basically says that his son will be a half-Armenian replica of Steve Urkel (no ego, no strip clubs, no fun).

KIM & KANYE: We Don’t Want Any SEX SURPRISES (TMZ)
They don’t want to know the sex of the baby. Whatever. I’m sure TMZ will take do a secret, high-tech ultrasound (using some sort of wand) from outside Kim’s window and fax the results to her right before they post it on their website.

KIM K. PREGNANT Baby Conceived … NEAR VATICAN (TMZ)
A source seems pretty sure the pancake batter that knocked up Kim was injected sometime in Rome, possibly inside the Sistine Chapel or on top of the pope’s robes.  Continue reading “2013 is About Kim Kardashian’s Baby and Nothing Else”

Jessica Simpson Poses in the Bathroom Mirror After Drinking too Much Beer

Jessica Simpson pregnant bikiniI like to think of this photo of Jessica Simpson as a sequel to the one of her on the toilet.

You all know how I feel about pregnant women, and this one, a bikini-clad Jessica in the mirror pursing her lips together like she’s about to blow 5,0000 candles out on a cake that happens to be inside a paper mill, is no exception.

And even though I know I could fit a cup of Chili and a Frosty from Wendy’s inside that belly button, I’m not going to say anything mean. Anything else that’s mean.

I’d be just as annoyed if it were a partially naked non-pregnant woman taking her own picture with a bejeweled iPhone in the bathroom (no I wouldn’t).

Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, I REPEAT, Kim Kardashian is PREGNANT!

Kim and Kanye happyTwo and a half months ago, give or take a few days, Zeus tossed a lightning bolt to earth straight through Kanye West and into Kim Kardashian‘s uterus. Yeah, I learned about pregnancy by reading D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths, but that’s not the point.

Stay focused and say it with me: KIM KARDASHIAN IS PREGNANT. (Listen closely and you can hear the sound of infertile Khloe’s teeth grinding themselves into oblivion.)

The most famous, self-absorbed woman with no particular talent and the most self-absorbed rapper (together since April) are having a baby and I think the due date is sometime in mid August, or possibly July? It’s been established that I’m not good with this counting, brain-using stuff.  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian is Pregnant, I REPEAT, Kim Kardashian is PREGNANT!”

Rob Kardashian Gets Into Crazy Twitter Battle With Ex Rita Ora

Rob Kardashian Rita Ora black and whiteThe least valuable Kardashian got into it on Twitter with his ex-girlfriend, British pop star Rita Ora (often compared to Rihanna), calling her a a dirty two-cent sperm depository (paraphrasing).

On Monday, Rob Kardashian deleted a sting of nasty digs directed at Ora.“She cheated on me with nearly 20 dudes while we were together… But I mean 20?!!!!” he wrote. He later added that he was “disgusted” and wondered how a woman so busy starting her career could “have time to be with so many dudes while in a relationship.”

To make matters worse, someone on a fake Rita Ora account threw out the message “Rob’s dick was wack, I had to go get it somewhere else,” which he retweeted with the response “So you let me get you pregnant and you let others hit raw?”  Continue reading “Rob Kardashian Gets Into Crazy Twitter Battle With Ex Rita Ora”