Justin Bieber Insists He’s Retiring, is a Dirty Liar

Justin bieber squintingFor the first time in his pitiful existence, Justin Bieber is getting our hopes up by mentioning his impending retirement. In the wake of his sh*tty album and sh*tty new movie, Justin has announced that he is “officially retiring.”

(And sh*tty publicity, i.e. driving under the influence of apple juice and chocolate milk God knows what, calling a young girl a “beached whale,” and generally being a manorexic, pedostache-having toolbox with a terribly mismatched 11″ ego and pencil dick.)

Alas, seeing that Justin is a supernatural tween magnet twenty times more powerful than One Direction, ‘N Sync, Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block combined, it is unlikely that this is actually going to happen. I doubt that he can be killed with fire or anything else, and I foresee him coming back like a particularly aggressive case of psoriasis or anal warts.

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Justin Bieber Faints From Exhaustion in London, Should Probably Retire

Justin Bieber shirtless hospital You don’t have to be a psychic to see that Justin Bieber is overworked and overstressed.

Yesterday, during his second to last consecutive show at London’s O2 Arena, he stumbled off stage and collapsed just out of sight of his fans. Like a stubborn injured quarterback, Justin returned to finish his set after being treated with oxygen.

O2 Arena is exactly the same venue he was booed at for showing up at least 40 minutes late because his combination bicep and penis pump broke of “technical difficulties.”

Later he went on Twitter for a meltdown about rumors, God, judgment and his tiny topless body.

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