Darth Vader, Voldemort and Sally Jessy Raphael React to Kim Kardashian Giving Birth

Voldemort darth vader sally jessy raphael
Kim Kardashian’s vagina became a protractor last night and erupted into full saber-toothed tiger early this morning. I mean, contractions. And labor. Either way, the red priestess gave her a baby 5 weeks early because, you know, sorcery is not an exact science.

Three of the most dreaded villains of all time commented on the news on Twitter.

First, Sith Lord electrocutioner Darth Vader wrote that he is “no longer the worst parent in the universe,” with The Dark Lord Voldemort adding “No word on which ‘K’ name she gave it but I’m hoping for ‘Kreacher.'”

Never one to let her poker buddies have the last word, Skynet Talknet mastermind Sally Jessy Raphael slithered out of an abandoned glory hole and commanded one of her minions to type the above words.

Continue reading “Darth Vader, Voldemort and Sally Jessy Raphael React to Kim Kardashian Giving Birth”

Man Swims Two Miles Just to Catch a Glimpse of Taylor Swift in Her Natural Habitat

Taylor Swift flatteredTMZ reports that a young man swam all of two miles just to spy on Taylor Swift in her oceanfront mansion in Rhode Island. (The one she bought for $17 million cash in April.)

Actually, he swam one mile in the penis-freezing cold of the Atlantic and then swam straight back after he saw her beefy security guards patrolling the area.

Hold the “Looks like she found a new boyfriend” or “Ryan Lochte must be bored” jokes. We shouldn’t make fun of the champion stalker with the bravery of a thousand bayonet-wielding mountain lions.

I mean, that’s dedication. Look up the word in the dictionary and you’ll see a photo of this guy’s mugshot. She should really give him a signed photo or show him half a tit or something.  Continue reading “Man Swims Two Miles Just to Catch a Glimpse of Taylor Swift in Her Natural Habitat”