Chris Brown Sentenced to Jail Time That he Won’t Really Have to Serve

Chris Brown court 2014Le sigh. All-around sh*tty human being Chris Brown was just sentenced to 131 days, but due to overcrowding and confusing legal logistics, his lawyer thinks he’ll be out by Monday.

Brown pleaded guilty to violating his probation to speed up the process of being a free man who will most definitely continue to assault men and women and basically all living things.

He seems like the type to pull the wings off butterflies and dropkick newborn pandas, but judges and juries can’t be bothered with such things. Judges and juries care about what kind of sandwiches they’ll be able to eat on break and getting off work ASAP so they can go home and fall asleep to Dog the Bounty Hunter marathons. Via CNN:

“I would expect that Chris should be out of jail before the weekend’s up or before Monday,” Geragos said after the hearing. “If he isn’t out by Monday, then I would expect he’s getting special treatment. He’s got over 230 days credit on a 365 and generally the sheriff is releasing on a lot less than that.”

Brown’s probation for the 2009 beating of ex-girlfriend Rihanna was revoked after his arrest in connection to a misdemeanor assault charge out of Washington

Dream-shatterers! My vision of him being taken from behind by a man with a hairy back isn’t being realized. I haven’t felt this empty since grocery stores stopped carrying New York Seltzer and Orange Slice…

Infamous Nude Cell Phone Hacker Put Behind Bars

Christopher Chaney, the man responsible for leaking Scarlett Johansson’s nude pictures was arrested  in Jacksonville, Florida by the FBI for crimes that include wiretapping and identity theft.

Chaney, 35, gained access to the phones and emails of not only Johansson but also Christina Aguilera, Kreayshawn, Vanessa Hudgens, Mila Kunis (though all he found were penises) and many others.

The hacker was put in jail but isn’t there anymore. He was released on a $10,000 bond and ordered avoid computers and stay at his parent’s home…

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Petey Pablo Sentenced To Three Years In Jail

Hip-Hop artist Petey Pablo has been sentenced to 35 months in prison in North Carolina, the state he was born and raised in. Pablo aka Moses Barrett III plead guilty to the charges in March, for possession of a stolen firearm.

Barrett was at Raleight-Durham International Airport in NC on September 11th, 2010 when security found a semi-automatic 9 mm pistol (that was loaded) in his bag.

On top of that, authorities realized that the weapon was stolen in a home burglary in CA in 2005. He will begin his sentence in December…

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