How to Become One of America’s Least Favorite Actors in Just a Few Weeks, By James Franco

James Franco averageAre you suddenly finding yourself randomly irked and annoyed by James Franco, or am I the only one dumbfounded by the shameful feeling of not “getting” Spring Breakers? Oh, you too? Let’s join hands and vent in unison.

No one can deny that Franco, in his 35 years, has had an impressive career. Since his big break as greasy stoner (the person we all believe him to be in real life) Daniel Desario on Judd Apatow’s comedy goldmine (and NBC’s nightmare) Freaks and Geeks at age 21, he’s kissed Sean Penn, done the five knuckle shuffle while bleeding on a canyon wall, entangled naked Disney stars in his cornrow web of pimped-out lies and terrorized both Spider-Man and the wicked witches of Oz. His greatest triumph of all might be still managing to get work after bombing harder than a grandpa at Okinawa at the 2011 Oscars.

That’s not all. James – who doesn’t seem to have much going on in the motor skills department – often teaches filmmaking classes in both California and New York and still finds the time to write blog posts for the Huffington Post. In a recent post, he copies and pastes a poem he’s written.

The actor that fucks a goat in my film
Was home-schooled because his parents didn’t
Want him to be subjected to drugs, guns and violence.
“And blacks,” I think.
Indian River, the school is called.
Tyrone is his name, a handsome, dumb-faced kid.
There were baby goats; they ran around their pen on stiff, stumpy legs.

James Franco wants us to think he’s a lot smarter than he is. James Franco thinks he’s a lot smarter than James Franco, but James Franco isn’t a secret genius, he’s like every other actor and actress. He needs the fame and the spotlight, but he resents needing it and therefore resents himself, and instead of just taking up golf or buying a motorcycle, he writes goat-fucking poems. I want to reach out and pet him and say, “It’s okay, James. You’re not the only one suffering.”  Continue reading “How to Become One of America’s Least Favorite Actors in Just a Few Weeks, By James Franco”

James Franco Releases “For Your Consideration” Poster for His Role In Spring Breakers

James Franco Sprin BreakersJames Franco wants you to consider some shit. Specifically, he wants your vote for Best Supporting Actor in the next round of Celebrity Circle Jerk Academy Awards.

The recently-roasted actor is featured in a “For Your Consideration” poster holding an Oscar in each hand, with the caption “Consider This Sh*t” at the bottom, a reference to his Riff Raffy Spring Breakers character Alien. It’s one of James Franco’s most interesting and fuckin’ weird roles, but it was lauded by critics as one of his best, and an Oscar nom is certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

The film tells the story of four college whores who rob a bank and use the money to head down to St. Petersburg, FL for the trashiest spring break in history.

In addition to a ton of awesome, nostalgia-inducing partying, the girls eventually meet Alien and get pulled into his gangster life of drug and weapon distribution.  Continue reading “James Franco Releases “For Your Consideration” Poster for His Role In Spring Breakers”

Vanessa Hudgens Sings About ‘Pretty Pretty Packages’

Vanessa Hudgens YLAProfessional Zac Efron merkin Vanessa Hudgens has a new single to go along with her bikini movie. In “$$$ex,” her first song since 2009, Hudgens reminds us what we were missing.

“Can you feel my hot sex, heart stop beating,” sounds suspiciously like “can you feel my heart sex.” (Because who’s going to choose a vag when you could just pummel the four valves?)

Favorite lyric #2: “Pretty pretty packages all in a row, sugar snap firecrack tied up in a bow.”

Favorite lyric #3: “Fifty in his pocket, a condom in his wallet, he’s not gonna sleep tonight.”

Continue reading “Vanessa Hudgens Sings About ‘Pretty Pretty Packages’”

Spring Breakers’ Box Office Bomb: Why Onscreen Butts Don’t Equal Butts in the Seats

Spring Breakers ButtsSpring Breakers‘ $5 million, 6th place weekend box office spot isn’t exactly a loss. The hypersexualized movie, directed by Kids co-writer Harmony Korine, only cost $2 million to make.

It was also surprisingly well-reviewed by some (even Richard Roeper is a perv), with a slightly higher rating on Rotten Tomatoes than The Croods. Others called it “racist” and “thoughtless.”

Five million does however seem very low considering the amount of hype and advertising Spring Breakers received. Sort of reminds me of another flick that promised lots of sexiness and hidden statements about human behavior and culture…  Continue reading “Spring Breakers’ Box Office Bomb: Why Onscreen Butts Don’t Equal Butts in the Seats”

Trailer: Spring Breakers

Last year in September I wrote about the upcoming soon-to-be-forgotten disaster that is Spring Breakers, a movie consisting of half-naked ABC Family and Disney stars like Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Ashley Benson.

James Franco, who once wrote about the difference between fantasy and reality and only working on movies he “cares about,” is a cornrowed nightmare in this, smiling his creepy metal grin at young girls who appear to be the fantasy to his nightmare.  Continue reading “Trailer: Spring Breakers”

‘Spring Breakers’ Was Designed To Make You Feel Old And Perverted

EVEN THOUGH the stars of Spring Breakers (Ashley Benson, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Rachel Korine) are portraying college kids and are not technically minors, you will feel like a dirty pedophile after simply viewing one promotional photo.

Imagine what will happen when you see the movie. You’ll get put on “the list.” You know, the one viewable by location on the Offender Locator app.  Continue reading “‘Spring Breakers’ Was Designed To Make You Feel Old And Perverted”