Tiger Woods Acts a Fool, Turns Into Cross-Eyed Mongoloid With a Wine Cooler Addiction

Tiger Woods drunk faceProfessional ball-slapper Tiger Woods showed the world his drunk face during a Met Gala after-party at the Standard Hotel in New York.

Girlfriend/pro slope hitter Lindsey Vonn looked both amused and embarrassed as she led his wobbly baby deer legs and bouncing pinball eyes through the crowds of press and fellow celebs.

The succession of photos tell a story. First, he realizes he’s lost control of the muscles in his face and body and his last drunken resort is to not change his expression. Eyes and mouth open. Show some teeth. Maybe they won’t notice…

Then he gives up. Everyone knows he’s wasted. The bloodshot eyes and wax figure pose did more than hint at that. They’re onto me. JESUS Lindsey, get me home before Elin sees. 

Continue reading “Tiger Woods Acts a Fool, Turns Into Cross-Eyed Mongoloid With a Wine Cooler Addiction”

Tiger Woods’ 5-Iron Officially Entangled in Lindsey Vonn’s Poles

Tiger Woods Lindsey Vonn facebook Sexting and golf champ Tiger Woods and injury-prone skier Lindsey Vonn confirmed the worst-kept secret that is their relationship by posting joint his and her statements along with a series of cheesy looking-off-into-the-distance photos on best-platform-for-secret-shattering Facebook.

Both made sure to mention that their friendship blossomed into a sporty romance in recent months, possibly because she was still technically married to Thomas Vonn up until January 9.

The couple also clarified that no one is frickin’ allowed to ask them about the intimate details. 

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Skiier Lindsey Vonn Taken Down By Brutal Knee Injury, Airlifted To Hospital

Lindsey Vonn airliftedDecorated American ski champion Lindsey Vonn‘s chances of competing in the near future were frighteningly halted yesterday when she was airlifted to the hospital following a nasty tumble down a mountain at the Alpine world championships in Austria.

The United States team medical director informed news outlets that she had torn two ligaments in her knee and requires reconstructive surgery that will keep her out for the remainder of the season.

It is unlikely that the injury will keep her away from the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.

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Tiger Woods Has A Niece And She’s Good At Golf

Time for some family history. Cheyenne Woods, is Tiger Woods’ niece from his half-brother. Everyone in this family was influenced in some way by Tiger’s grandfather, Earl Sr, who taught Cheyenne to play.

Got it? All you really need to know is that she may be the next golf prodigy. At 21, she has qualified for the U.S. Women’s Open in Wisconsin in July and will participate in her first major in less than a week.

Cheyenne just graduated from Wake Forest University (Maya Angelou is a faculty member and golf legend Arnold Palmer is an alumni) and is the spitting [more attractive] image of her uncle.

I’m not going to pretend to know anything about this sport because I don’t believe that balls and patience go together, but get ready for another decade of Wood(s).  Continue reading “Tiger Woods Has A Niece And She’s Good At Golf”

I Never Felt Sorry For Tiger’s Ex-Wife, But Now I REALLY Don’t

Tiger Woods‘s boring Swedish wife, Elin Nordegren has just reversed any lingering sympathy that people felt for her over the duration of her marriage and divorce in which Tiger cheated on her by sexting various waitresses or promoters or hostesses or whatever they like to be called. They serve you food and get boned by George Clooney, that’s all you need to know.

What did Elin do with her divorce money? She bought a six-bedroom, 9,000 square foot mansion but then decided ‘meh, this house is too low-key for my tastes’ and demolished the whole thing. She obviously took a big loss on the $12 million dollar home, so I kinda hope it was haunted by a billion bloodthirsty ghosts and smelled like rotting flesh.

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Heckler Tosses Disintegrating Hotdog At Tiger Woods

At Tiger Woods’ first tournament in two months, a man ran onto the green and attempted to throw a hotdog at the notorious golfer, then immediately sat down with his hands behind his back looking like “he wanted to be arrested,” as Woods put it.

The random hotdog toss tok place at the Frys.com Open at the CordeValle course in Northern California on the seventh green at the end of Tiger’s final round.

He says he was focusing on his putt when it happened:

”When I looked up, the hot dog was already in the air. The bun was kind of disintegrating.”

The heckler came out hollering, probably something about Tiger’s famous sexting/adultery scandal back in 2009, but Woods hardly saw him approaching…

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