Tim Tebow Cut From Patriots For Sucking at Life

tebow patriotsFormer Gators and Jets maverick Tim Tebow has been cut from his current team, The New England Patriots because he completely failed to impress Bill Belichick with his chesticles and gay bar-friendly face.

The no-trick pony that somehow led the Broncos to the playoffs early last year was not chosen to even be a backup quarterback to the equally good looking and far more gifted Tom Brady.

“I would like to thank Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, Coach McDaniels and the entire Patriots organization for giving me the opportunity to be a part of such a classy organization,” Tebow wrote on Twitter. “I pray for nothing but the best for you all. I will remain in relentless pursuit of continuing my lifelong dream of being an NFL quarterback.”

Some other team will likely pick him up and drop him faster than a baby with a unibrow. I hear the Bengals need a few new cheerleaders…

Tim Tebow To Join Tom Brady and the Patriots as Third-String QB?

Tebow and Brady meme Handsome virgin quarterback Tim Tebow‘s name will likely be slapped on the back of a Patriots jersey for the 2013-14 season.

According to ESPN’s sources, Tebow is expected to arrive at Pats’ minicamp tomorrow morning.

Mike Reiss pointed out that since definite starter Tom Brady is healthy and their backup QB, Ryan Mallett, has two more years on his contract, Tebow may be the team’s last resort third-string option.

Coach Bill Belichick’s past comments on Mallett have been lukewarm, telling NFL owners meeting attendees in March that he “performed well” in 2012-13. “I couldn’t comment on that,” Belichick said in response to trade rumors. “I’m glad he plays for our team.”

I think we can all agree that, with that arm, Tim Tebow barely deserves a spot as a cheerleader for the Lingerie Football League, let alone a spot on any team in the NFL. (Even the 2008 Lions.)

Gisele’s Angry At The Patriot’s Offense

The Brazilian volcano fire finally came out of Tom Brady‘s wife. After the neck-in-neck Patriots loss to the Giants on Sunday Gisele reportedly talked shit about the receivers.

TMZ writes that team members and Pats staff were “disappointed” after Gisele Bundchen said, “My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

I think I’m with Gisele on this one, except I’m glad it happened because I hate New England almost as much as I love blueberry cheesecake, kittens and Britney Spears. Just look at her in that picture, consoling with cold words and whispering false promises of blowjobs.  Continue reading “Gisele’s Angry At The Patriot’s Offense”