Tori Spelling’s Sex Tape Will Never Be Seen (Because There is a God?)

Some PEOPLE hate Tori Spelling for being the perfect mix between a goldfish and a horse, but not me. I hate, no, “dislike” Tori because she’s always managed to keep a fraction of herself in the spotlight even though she’s lacking in the… everything department. Daddy gave her a free ride, life skipped the lemons and handed her lemonade, etc.

Beauty is not exactly a talent, but if it was, it would certainly not be in Tori Spelling’s possession, and she never developed a good personality despite never having to hire a bodyguard to keep strangers from groping her ass (like Kim Kardashian).

She is neither beautiful nor talented, and the recent news of her sex tape alarmed me until I learned that it would [probably] never see the light of day. From Radar Online:

Luke Perry Would Hypothetically Marry Donna, Shag Kelly and Kill Brenda

Beverly Hills 90210 memeIf you were ever wondering which Beverly Hills 90210 cast members Luke Perry would put a ring on, bone and murder, the answers are here.

Perry visited Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday when a caller presented him with the question and options.

“I’d marry Tori because I told her dad I’d look out for her,” Perry chivalrously replied. “That’s the best way for me to do that. I’d kill Shannen, because she’d want me to. And that’s the only reason.”

Then he grinned and asked “What was the other one?” fully knowing that he wanted to make Jennie Garth forget about Peter Facinelli by hypnotizing her with his forehead and penis wrinkles.

I assume talented, real-life and onscreen witch Shannen would “want” Luke to kill her because the hatred is mutual, and marriage or sex with him would melt her skin like a bucket filled with black licorice, Chris Brown and a Cabin in the Woods DVD would melt mine.

Tori Spelling’s Sanity Shrinks As Her Litter Expands

Tori Spelling is pregnant with not her second or third child but her fourth, and here’s the kicker, it’s been a mere five months since she popped out her last churren, in October. This reminds me of a quote from Friends,

“It’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!”

Spelling announced her pregnancy yesterday on her website. “Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way! We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us.” 

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‘Accidental’ Tori Spelling Knockers Via Twitter (NSFW)

NORMALLY “accidental” Tweets of everything from impulsive anger to nudity to Ashton Kutcher opposing Penn State’s firing of Joe Paterno are welcomed but in this case, not so much.

Dean McDermott (no relation to Dylan McDermott) Tweeted a photo of his wife’s cans in a seemingly harmless series of pictures with/for their son Liam. The photos before this one were called “dough head” and “pot head,” starring a lonely and silly Dean, all cross-eyed and autistic. The third photo, “pin head,” is a close-up of Liam’s circular face.

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