Jennifer Lawrence’s Legal Team, Like All Legal Teams, Are Total Assholes

So I got an email today from Jennifer Lawrence’s lawyer and I also stepped in poop. The poop thing is obviously much worse, but not really a story.

The email stated that I need to remove a completely censored image of Jennifer, one of the many from her widespread hacked nude photo scandal and also my entire article.

Let me just say that, like my fat cat Raisin (the one whose poop I stepped in), her lawyers are sweet but also completely misguided and derpy. Believing they can actually stop the photos from being shared and seen leads me to believe that – also like Raisin – THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE INTERNET WORKS.  Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence’s Legal Team, Like All Legal Teams, Are Total Assholes”

Fat Lady Dating Website Offering Christina Aguilera $3M Spokeswoman Contract

Whitney Thompson, Winner of America’s Next Top Model cycle 10 and founder of The Big And The Beautiful, is offering $3 million dollars to sexy sausage Christina Aguilera.

Thompson hopes that Aguilera will be the face of the dating website targeted at “men and women of all shapes and sizes.”

Here’s a snippet from the site:

The Big And The Beautiful is the fastest growing relationship service on the Internet for sexy men and women of all shapes and sizes. On our dating site women no longer need to fear the word “fat.”

Continue reading “Fat Lady Dating Website Offering Christina Aguilera $3M Spokeswoman Contract”

If You Can’t Figure Out If He’s ‘Into You’ From These Texts, You’re Beyond Help

HeTexted.com is a website for women that is supposed to help them decipher confusing texts from men.

Visitors can comment on the texts and also vote that he’s “not into you” “into you” or “the verdict is still out.”

The page confirms my already-confirmed fears about both genders: men are extremely aloof and women are extremely blind to their aloofness.

One girl’s text reads “It was cool hanging out,” so he says “Yea if you’re out tonight, bring Ali?” The woman has indicated that her friend and his friend were both there, but now he’s asking specifically to bring this Ali girl…  Continue reading “If You Can’t Figure Out If He’s ‘Into You’ From These Texts, You’re Beyond Help”

The Best Of ‘Dog Shaming,’ On Tumblr

A Tumblr page dedicated to dogs standing next to handwritten confessions (everything from crayon addictions to eating the crotch out of jeans to stealing ice cream from children), is doing well this month.

So well that it spawned a Cat Shaming site, which is not nearly as funny.  Continue reading “The Best Of ‘Dog Shaming,’ On Tumblr”

Meet Hot Cow-Fondlers On FarmersOnly.com

There are all sorts of dating sites – ones for people who met on a plane, dudes nude, “discreet” encounters for married people at Ashley Madison, and then there’s Farmers Only.

Farmers Only has nothing to do with State Farm insurance, as I would have thought.

Instead, it’s a place for singles to mingle with Yosemite Sam and Yosemite Sally types.

The website advertises “good old fashioned values” and says that we city folk aren’t down to earth and “just don’t get it.” There’s even a list of success stories called “The Barnyard Buzz…”

“Met Janet on your site and we hit it off rite away and were making plans. She likes the farm and the animals,” Says Jim.  Continue reading “Meet Hot Cow-Fondlers On FarmersOnly.com”

The Twist Is Hiring! Contributors Wanted

Okay, so “hiring” would suggest that this is a paying job and it wouldn’t be, at least not yet.

I’ve actually been trying to lure people into writing a few posts for me a week for several months now but have had no luck with Craigslist.

The Twist has grown exponentially since it’s launch in August of 2011 with over a million hits total and around 7,000 a day and upwards, at this point. I’m starting to get a little worn down, not that I’d ever stop.

If you constantly find yourself making fun of celebrities, this is the perfect job for you. Express yourself, without being a tired hag who wishes she could suck the youth out of Lady Gaga.

Continue reading “The Twist Is Hiring! Contributors Wanted”

A Dating Website For People Who **** On Planes

Oh you scandalous harlot, I bet you thought the **** stood for “fuck” well it doesn’t, it’s for “meet.” Oh, hell it totally means that too because let’s face it, the plane passengers who are looking for each other totally did that too.

The website in question is WeMetOnAPlane.com, seriously. Here’s their description and steps to using the site…

Continue reading “A Dating Website For People Who **** On Planes”

H&M Confirms Usage Of CGI Model Bodies

The clothing store/label H&M has admitted that the models displayed on their website are computer-generated from the neck down. This after a Norwegian blog noticed something strange about the images. A PR rep for the company said,

It’s not a real body, it is completely virtual and made ​​the computer. We take pictures of the clothes on a doll that stands in the shop, and then create the human appearance with a program on your computer…It’s not about ideals or to show off a perfect body, we are doing this to show off the garments. This is done for all garments, not just underwear. It applies to both women’s and men’s clothing.”

Continue reading “H&M Confirms Usage Of CGI Model Bodies”

Your New Favorite Music Website Is…

Musictonic! It’s already my new favorite site for use during lazy internet couch-potato time. I don’t know much about the company, except that it was created by Lasse Johnsen, a web designer who hails from Barcelona.

What I can tell you is it’s the new Pandora and Last.fm. In fact, it combines Last.Fm’s artist directory with YouTube’s video collection. Musictonic helps you discover new artists by having you type in your favorite band or singer…

Continue reading “Your New Favorite Music Website Is…”