Unlucky Asian Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’

phuc dat bich passportThis Vietnamese man is so phucking tired of having his social media accounts deleted by biches who doubt the legitimacy of his name.

That’s right, 23-year-old Australia-native Phuc Dat Bich (pronounced “Phoo Da Bic”) posted a photo of his passport to prove once and for all that he is not playing a prank on Facebook.

Bich says administrators have suspended his account multiple times due to their policy of users registering under their legal names, suggesting that it’s “because he’s Asian.”  Continue reading “Unlucky Asian Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’”

Awesome Honest Valentine’s Cards Will Help Keep Your Heart Frozen

honest funny valentine's card 3

Resist the urge to give Hallmark your hard-earned money with these totally honest Valentine’s Cards. For that person in your life that you’re not sure about at all but were thinking about sending flowers to because you don’t want to be alone…  Continue reading “Awesome Honest Valentine’s Cards Will Help Keep Your Heart Frozen”

Stories I’m Too Lazy to Write About [1-28-15]

Paris Hilton monkey whacking it gif

 No man or monkey is immune to Paris Hilton‘s feminine charms. (Uproxx)

Amada Peet (wife of creator David Benioff) hates Game of Thrones(Gawker)

33% increase in people being idiots with guns at the airport since 2013. (Mental Floss)

Eat as much fat as you can because it‘s delicious keeps you young. (MaxWorkouts)

Woman born with adactylia talks pros and cons of Freakshow’s Lobster Boy. (Jezebel)

One of Blink 182‘s lead singers is still in the band but refuses to tour or record. (Spin)

Football-playing children will grow up braindead. Might I suggest ballet? (Time)

The new Ghostbusters movie is basically Bridesmaids 2 with ghosts. (CinemaBlend)

Video: Woman Keeps an Arsenal of Useful Items in Her Bra

Some women keep money in their bras, or weed, like my best friend. Others take it to another level… Watch this magician in action as she pulls a flash, a fifth of vodka and a whole bunch of keys out from under her boob like it’s nothing.
woman pulling things out of bra  woman keys and vodka in bra
Couldn’t even tell any of that stuff was in there, could you? (Via Grouchy Muffin)

The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes

Jessica Chastain goldeng globesWhen it came to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Bill Cosby joke at the Golden Globes, you were either laughing hysterically (Lena Dunham) or completely losing your sh*t (Jessica Chastain). So fun seeing harmless Clooney’s-wife-could-do-better and Meryl Streep-has-a-million-awards jokes turn into I PUT THE PILLS IN THE PEOPLE.

There were of course other funny moments from the monologue which are being a tad overshadowed…

1. Amy, to Frances McDormand: Frances, I love you. Can I just say you’re the only person in this room that I would save in a fire?

2. Tina: George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.

3. Amy: I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape, I don’t want to just see myself up there on the screen.

4. Amy, on Reese Witherspoon in Wild: She did all of her own walking … Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.  Continue reading “The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes”

Dismantling Someone Else’s Armor and Weapons in Destiny is the Sweetest, Nerdiest Revenge


Did you happen to recently catch your boyfriend or girlfriend in bed with the neighbor? Does your bf/gf yell at you for no reason or spend outlandish amounts of money at the Cheesecake Factory? If the person who has wronged is also addicted to the game Destiny, don’t waste time trying to dump sugar in their gas tank…

Getting legendary and exotic weapons and armor in Destiny is HUGE pain. It takes forever to get them, while dismantling them takes only seconds.

1. Once you’ve loaded their character, press the start button to access inventory, select items and hold the “X” button on Xbox or the square on PS3 or PS4 to dismantle them.

Or you could just erase their entire hard drive.

(System settings: storage: games and apps: DELETE.)

This is pretty much the worst thing you can do to your console-playing girl/boy/regular friend, like the nerd equivalent of burning a house to the ground.  Continue reading “Dismantling Someone Else’s Armor and Weapons in Destiny is the Sweetest, Nerdiest Revenge”

Hasbro to Make Kid’s Cake Decorating Tool less Penis-y

play doh penisHasbro toys are addressing parent’s concerns about their totally dong-shaped frosting tool by replacing it with something less phallic after concerned mothers contacted the company and posted humorous pictures pointing out the similarities on Facebook after gifting it to their children for the holidays. (One grandmother even mistook it for an actual sex toy.)

Hasbro said in a recent statement that they are “in the process of updating all future Play-Doh products with a different tool.”

Replacement Hasbro cake decorating toy is ribbed for her pleasure comes in regular and magnum sizes. Free easy bake meth kit upon purchase for a limited time only.

Here’s what Jon Hamm, Justin Bieber and Blake Lively look like as Average Americans

Blake lively planet hiltronJustin Bieber planet hiltronJon Hamm planet hiltron
Danny Evans – creator of Planet Hiltron, a site that shares photos of photoshopped celebrities looking like average to below average housewifes and blue collar husbands in small town America (basically, people who don’t know that feathered hair isn’t in style anymore) – is back, with renditions of Jon Hamm, Blake Lively and Justin Bieber + Selena Gomez.

Cameron Diaz and Lana Del Rey were also included in the exclusive collection. Would these not make amazing trading cards? The dumpier the celeb, the higher the value…

 

Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash

Justin bieber four wheelerLast week, wittle baby Justin Bieber climbed up on a big bad four wheeler and hurt his itsy bitsy wrist. Did I mention he was arrested, or that Selena Gomez was there?

A photographer in a minivan reportedly caused the ATV crash in Ontario, but it’s more probable that he sprained his wrist texting, shaking his fist at the paparazzo he got in a fight with or whacking off to pictures of himself.

The weirdest part is that noted lawyer Gloria Allred is getting involved, and at first I thought she was repping Bieber (which would make sense since she’s all about protecting women’s rights), but she’s on team paparazzi, looking to imprison the Biebs in rusty shackles somewhere comparable to where Bane sent Batman, I hope.  Continue reading “Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash”

Mila Kunis Wants Expectant Fathers to Shut Up About Being ‘Pregnant’

A very pregnant, very angry Mila Kunis has an important message for all men [besides that one pregnant man]: unless you’re a seahorse, don’t pat your baby mama’s stomach and say “We’re pregnant!” with a big stupid grin on your face.

Soon, Kunis and the eight ice cream-holding women who joined her will be delivering more than just a touching monologue about the difficulties of men taking credit for nothing…
   
Something watermelon-sized that kicks and screams and projectile craps in your eye.

“When you wake up and throw up is it because you’re nurturing a human life? No. It’s because you had too many shots of tequila. Do you know how many shots of tequila we had?? None. Because we can’t have shots of tequila! We can’t have anything.”

Read: Mila on Pregnancy Cravings: Ashton ‘Stocked Our Fridge With Weird Food’

Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted

Brad Pitt was punched in the face at the Los Angeles premiere of Maleficent (which is, let’s face it, Snow White and the Huntsman with a different cast) and his real-life evil wife did nothing to stop it.

Angelina Jolie was reportedly “busy signing autographs in another section” when the attacker jumped over a barrier and lunged at Pitt, but I believe she hired the man to punch her husband so other women would find him less desirable even though most of us haven’t desired him since Troy. (Ten years ago? Eek, I feel old.)

The assailant is notorious prankster Vitalii Sediuk, the very same who kissed Will Smith at the Men in Black III premiere and stole Adele’s award at the 2013 Grammys.

 
Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is rejoicing…  Continue reading “Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted”

This Gamer’s Reaction to Losing at Resident Evil is PRICELESS

 After just finishing a boss battle with only 10 minutes remaining in the game and being watched by hundreds of viewers during a speed run of the original Resident Evil on the PS Vita, Twitch.TV user Carcinogen made a fatal mistake and prematurely game over-ed.

With no save file in sight, his reaction was absolutely perfect. Instead of throwing the Vita against the wall, yelling, crying or suddenly cutting off his camera in shame, he simply slumped straight down in his chair with a look of  embarrassment and surprise until he was completely out of frame.

To see the full chain of events with gameplay footage, head over to Imgur.

Sofia Vergara, Emma Stone, Jeremy Piven Read Mean Tweets

Julia Roberts mean tweetIn Jimmy Kimmal’s latest edition of celebs reading outrageous tweets about themsevles, Courtney Cox gets called a “p*ssy hoe” while Kit Harrington is a “big bitch” and Julia Roberts simply has gaping lips that swallow 10,000-pound African land mammals whole.

Users also wonder why Sofia Vergara talks “like she has a d*ck in her mouth” and say they hope Jeremy Piven’s falls off in public, so I was thinking to save time his d*ck could fall off and land in Sofia Vergara’s mouth during the day on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while Emma Stone, who reeks of cat piss, videotapes it and Gary Oldman narrates.  Continue reading “Sofia Vergara, Emma Stone, Jeremy Piven Read Mean Tweets”

How to Become One of America’s Least Favorite Actors in Just a Few Weeks, By James Franco

James Franco averageAre you suddenly finding yourself randomly irked and annoyed by James Franco, or am I the only one dumbfounded by the shameful feeling of not “getting” Spring Breakers? Oh, you too? Let’s join hands and vent in unison.

No one can deny that Franco, in his 35 years, has had an impressive career. Since his big break as greasy stoner (the person we all believe him to be in real life) Daniel Desario on Judd Apatow’s comedy goldmine (and NBC’s nightmare) Freaks and Geeks at age 21, he’s kissed Sean Penn, done the five knuckle shuffle while bleeding on a canyon wall, entangled naked Disney stars in his cornrow web of pimped-out lies and terrorized both Spider-Man and the wicked witches of Oz. His greatest triumph of all might be still managing to get work after bombing harder than a grandpa at Okinawa at the 2011 Oscars.

That’s not all. James – who doesn’t seem to have much going on in the motor skills department – often teaches filmmaking classes in both California and New York and still finds the time to write blog posts for the Huffington Post. In a recent post, he copies and pastes a poem he’s written.

The actor that fucks a goat in my film
Was home-schooled because his parents didn’t
Want him to be subjected to drugs, guns and violence.
“And blacks,” I think.
Indian River, the school is called.
Tyrone is his name, a handsome, dumb-faced kid.
There were baby goats; they ran around their pen on stiff, stumpy legs.

James Franco wants us to think he’s a lot smarter than he is. James Franco thinks he’s a lot smarter than James Franco, but James Franco isn’t a secret genius, he’s like every other actor and actress. He needs the fame and the spotlight, but he resents needing it and therefore resents himself, and instead of just taking up golf or buying a motorcycle, he writes goat-fucking poems. I want to reach out and pet him and say, “It’s okay, James. You’re not the only one suffering.”  Continue reading “How to Become One of America’s Least Favorite Actors in Just a Few Weeks, By James Franco”

Some Guy Almost Fell Over to Take a Selfie With Kim Kardashian

guy taking selfie with Kim Kardashian A picture is worth a thousand words, or in Kim Kardashian and the paparazzi’s case, a thousand dollars and up. This random lad from the street literally bent over backwards to pose with the star of American Horror Story: Armenian for a photo that is worth nothing unless he expects to get poon by Catfishing girls into believing he knows Kim.

Skateboard-holding white boy in Converse could pass for a hoodlum friend of her brother, Rob Kardashian, but we all know that Rob ate all his friends along with his feelings, his step-dad’s balls and his little sister’s humility.  Continue reading “Some Guy Almost Fell Over to Take a Selfie With Kim Kardashian”

Amy Schumer is Blowing the F*ck Up

Amy Schumer has been all over the place lately. It wasn’t after I found out that the show she’d been gifted by Comedy Central, Inside Amy Schumer, had exceptionally good ratings, or when a story she told that seemed to only be about a drunken college encounter with a man who basically fell asleep with his head inside her vagina turned into a surprisingly empowering speech about self-worth made her a headline on every pop culture website, OR even when I heard that she had written a movie with the help of non-other than Judd Apatow that I realized how famous she’d become…

It took my brother uttering her name at an early Mother’s Day celebration dinner for me to finally understand exactly how gigantically popular and successful Amy Schumer is. I can’t even escape Schumer when I’m spending time with my Mom and brother, two of the most outdoorsy, least TV-watching people who have always cared more about dehydrating papayas and getting a good deal at Goodwill than celebrities.

Continue reading “Amy Schumer is Blowing the F*ck Up”

New Derpy Ninja Turtles Would Definitely Have Been Bullied in High School

new Donatello Anyone who grew up with the original Ninja Turtles remembers how “cool” they were. They somehow managed to be super relatable despite being of the reptile persuasion, which was part of the allure along with how well the turtles were marketed to my generation.

I would have traded my soul and the souls of my family for a bucket of those action figures.

A bunch of young, fun-loving superheroes with a rat mentor and human love interest? Their species didn’t matter. In their heyday, they could have been the Teenage Mutant Ninja Alligators or Dogs, but now my memories are being desecrated by CGI monstrosities who look too stupid to not be extinct. In the new Ninja Turtle movie, Donatello is a derpy frog professor with progeria and Michelangelo wears puka shells.

Even after being handed a few million dollars to pretend like this is all okay, Megan Fox is like:
Megan fox april sees turtles for first time I can’t blame that guy who’s pretending to direct when we all know these warped clichés and awkward special effects reak of Michael Bay. The new teenage turtles are so much more mutant than ninja, “the smart one” has to have buckteeth and tape on his glasses and “the cool one” smells of such desperation, you wouldn’t even hang out with him if he handed you a bag of weed and the keys to his car.  Continue reading “New Derpy Ninja Turtles Would Definitely Have Been Bullied in High School”